Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Memorial "markers"
We had an appointment yesterday at the cemetary yesterday to pick out a grave marker. It was the two month anniversary of Joshua's birth. We were there on Christmas Eve too which was the one-month anniversary of his birth so I think I may have inadvertently started a trend. I'm taking off on Feb 24th because I'm leaving that day for the women's retreat so I may just go to the cemetary that day too.
The cemetary removed all the flowers (including a wreath that I wished they hadn't) and the funeral home forgot to put the temporary marker up so there was nothing marking the grave except for some straw where they were trying to grow some grass and a small pine tree branch that they put down (which was nice). We called the funeral home to get the temporary marker put up because I think it's going to be a few months before the permanent marker will be done. I resolved to get a wreath or a hanging basket for the next time we go.
The marker is going to have Joshua's name and birth and death dates and a cross and a path and a bible verse (Psalms 71:19-20). We want to other symbols too for resurrection and something to show that we are waiting for heaven. The guy at the cemetary is going to draft something for us to take a look at.
I find myself not saying "Joshua would have been 2 months old yesterday" because we knew he's wasn't going to make it that long from fairly early on. I imagine this is a good thing because I think I read somewhere it's not healthy to think about what life would be like if the person you are grieving over was still there. But sometimes I can't help thinking like that especially when I think about my job and where that's going and when I see pregnant women in the neighborhood and think, oh, Joshua would have had a friend to play with. Thoughts like this can feed bitterness so I don't want to do that but at the same time, because Joshua's life was so short and the memories so few there isn't much to think about when I think of him and I want to think about him so that's a outlet for some thoughts.
I put a picture of Joshua up on my desk at work. It's sad that I will never be able to replace that with an updated picture like I will for Dylan and Lydia. I wonder if I'll still be hanging Joshua's baby picture along side Dylan's and Lydia's high school graduation pictures for instance. It makes me sad to think about not doing that. I'm not sure if these "future" thoughts are any healthier but I think they might be because they show an element of excepting reality. Right now I have a fear of forgetting. Some people say you'll never forget but there will be somethings I will forget (details of Joshua's birth, what it was like when I was pregnant with him). Of course I'll not forget that I had him but I want more than that. Years from now the memories will see so distance. I see before me a lifetime of trying to memorialize our son's brief life. It's one of those labors that is sad but it would be even more sad if we didn't do it. Even if we just think about the anniversaries of his birth and death, it honors Joshua's life. Just like all of those who have passed on before us. For instance, today is the 18th anniversary of my grandfather's death - I've now lived more of my life without my grandfather than I did with him. This is in a sense a marker in my life. It is good to create memorials and markers.
The cemetary removed all the flowers (including a wreath that I wished they hadn't) and the funeral home forgot to put the temporary marker up so there was nothing marking the grave except for some straw where they were trying to grow some grass and a small pine tree branch that they put down (which was nice). We called the funeral home to get the temporary marker put up because I think it's going to be a few months before the permanent marker will be done. I resolved to get a wreath or a hanging basket for the next time we go.
The marker is going to have Joshua's name and birth and death dates and a cross and a path and a bible verse (Psalms 71:19-20). We want to other symbols too for resurrection and something to show that we are waiting for heaven. The guy at the cemetary is going to draft something for us to take a look at.
I find myself not saying "Joshua would have been 2 months old yesterday" because we knew he's wasn't going to make it that long from fairly early on. I imagine this is a good thing because I think I read somewhere it's not healthy to think about what life would be like if the person you are grieving over was still there. But sometimes I can't help thinking like that especially when I think about my job and where that's going and when I see pregnant women in the neighborhood and think, oh, Joshua would have had a friend to play with. Thoughts like this can feed bitterness so I don't want to do that but at the same time, because Joshua's life was so short and the memories so few there isn't much to think about when I think of him and I want to think about him so that's a outlet for some thoughts.
I put a picture of Joshua up on my desk at work. It's sad that I will never be able to replace that with an updated picture like I will for Dylan and Lydia. I wonder if I'll still be hanging Joshua's baby picture along side Dylan's and Lydia's high school graduation pictures for instance. It makes me sad to think about not doing that. I'm not sure if these "future" thoughts are any healthier but I think they might be because they show an element of excepting reality. Right now I have a fear of forgetting. Some people say you'll never forget but there will be somethings I will forget (details of Joshua's birth, what it was like when I was pregnant with him). Of course I'll not forget that I had him but I want more than that. Years from now the memories will see so distance. I see before me a lifetime of trying to memorialize our son's brief life. It's one of those labors that is sad but it would be even more sad if we didn't do it. Even if we just think about the anniversaries of his birth and death, it honors Joshua's life. Just like all of those who have passed on before us. For instance, today is the 18th anniversary of my grandfather's death - I've now lived more of my life without my grandfather than I did with him. This is in a sense a marker in my life. It is good to create memorials and markers.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Lydia Update
Lydia had her *3-year* check up today. She weighs 31 lbs (50th percentile) and is 35 inches tall (10th percentile). She gained 5 lbs and grew 2 inches from last year so the doctor said that's all good. He said she's developing just fine and was impressed with her comprehension and amazed at her fine motor skills. I told him she could write her name and he had her show him. She did it. The doctor asked where the art ability (i.e., good motor skills) is in the family. I guess she inherited it from Uncle Justin.
Lydia is very articulate. There are still a few little cute quirks in her speech though - she pronounces l like y and she calls Lightening McQueen "Yightening DaQueen." At some point during this year she dropped the "no me" and now says "I don't." She gets a lot of what she says, good and bad, from Dylan.
Lydia has learned her letters and knows most of the letter sounds so she and Dylan can pretty much work at the same level when we try to help the kids with pre-reading skills at home. She can write most of the letters too. Lydia can count to about 15 and she plays Uno with the rest of us. She likes to sit at the table and paint or play with playdough or draw. But otherwise her play is all about her big brother. They pretend they are animals and talk about dinosaurs and play cars together. It's sweet for about 10 minutes and then they start the "she hit me/he punched me" stuff. Someone asked me recently about having two kids and was it hard when the younger one started to want to play with the older one's toys. I guess that was an issue for us but it was much worse when the younger one was able to argue with the older one. The fights are much harder to settle at that point. "The sky is blue." "No it's not, it's pink." Okay you're both right!
Lydia is the type of gal who can enjoy herself wherever she goes. She makes a trip to the grocery store fun by picking out apples and making a kite out of the register tape. I feel like Dylan was already into the complaining stage by the time he was this age so I'm appreciating Lydia's easy-going nature at this time. I think Dylan's thing was that he wanted to be around other people, not just Mom. Lydia seems content just hanging out with her family. By the time we sent Dylan to preschool I was saying he soo needs to be in school but with Lydia I think she's going to go to preschool to get used to school and so I'll be able to do my telework hours while they are both in school. We are going to sign her up for two days a week like Dylan did the first year.
Lydia still naps like a champ - 3 hours a day. She would go longer if we let her and she often seems like she could fall asleep for a morning nap too. Since the kids are in one room now it has been harder to get her to fall asleep at night (and sometimes for naps too even when Dylan isn't there). Not sure what's going to happen to the nap when she starts preschool because after preschool we'll have to pick Dylan up from Kindergarten and there won't be time to sleep.
Lydia has been riding a tricycle since last summer. She did pretty well in the pool too. Hoping to do another swim class before the pool opens.
Lydia eats pretty well. She does well with the veggies but doesn't eat much meat. She loves eggs though so we get her her protein that way.
Lydia still gives the best hugs and is still my cuddle buddy. She often just wants me to hold her. I love it and sometimes just want to kiss her cheeks all day.
Lydia is very articulate. There are still a few little cute quirks in her speech though - she pronounces l like y and she calls Lightening McQueen "Yightening DaQueen." At some point during this year she dropped the "no me" and now says "I don't." She gets a lot of what she says, good and bad, from Dylan.
Lydia has learned her letters and knows most of the letter sounds so she and Dylan can pretty much work at the same level when we try to help the kids with pre-reading skills at home. She can write most of the letters too. Lydia can count to about 15 and she plays Uno with the rest of us. She likes to sit at the table and paint or play with playdough or draw. But otherwise her play is all about her big brother. They pretend they are animals and talk about dinosaurs and play cars together. It's sweet for about 10 minutes and then they start the "she hit me/he punched me" stuff. Someone asked me recently about having two kids and was it hard when the younger one started to want to play with the older one's toys. I guess that was an issue for us but it was much worse when the younger one was able to argue with the older one. The fights are much harder to settle at that point. "The sky is blue." "No it's not, it's pink." Okay you're both right!
Lydia is the type of gal who can enjoy herself wherever she goes. She makes a trip to the grocery store fun by picking out apples and making a kite out of the register tape. I feel like Dylan was already into the complaining stage by the time he was this age so I'm appreciating Lydia's easy-going nature at this time. I think Dylan's thing was that he wanted to be around other people, not just Mom. Lydia seems content just hanging out with her family. By the time we sent Dylan to preschool I was saying he soo needs to be in school but with Lydia I think she's going to go to preschool to get used to school and so I'll be able to do my telework hours while they are both in school. We are going to sign her up for two days a week like Dylan did the first year.
Lydia still naps like a champ - 3 hours a day. She would go longer if we let her and she often seems like she could fall asleep for a morning nap too. Since the kids are in one room now it has been harder to get her to fall asleep at night (and sometimes for naps too even when Dylan isn't there). Not sure what's going to happen to the nap when she starts preschool because after preschool we'll have to pick Dylan up from Kindergarten and there won't be time to sleep.
Lydia has been riding a tricycle since last summer. She did pretty well in the pool too. Hoping to do another swim class before the pool opens.
Lydia eats pretty well. She does well with the veggies but doesn't eat much meat. She loves eggs though so we get her her protein that way.
Lydia still gives the best hugs and is still my cuddle buddy. She often just wants me to hold her. I love it and sometimes just want to kiss her cheeks all day.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Back at Work
Turns out I did have to start work to get my class paid for but I'm okay with it. I was able to work from home for three days and then take two more days off and then there was the federal holiday and my normal work from home day yesterday. So today is my first day in the office which is what I had planned on anyway. This was also good because I'm not using up more sick days that I don't have. It will be 7 months before I'm out of the hole assuming I don't take any more sick days during that time.
My two days off last week were supposed to be vacation days and Martin and I were scheduled to go to the cemetery to pick out Joshua's grave marker. But then I got a corneal abrasion and ended up taking sick leave and cancelling the appointment. We rescheduled for next week. My eye is better now but I couldn't see for 2 days.
Coming back into the office was a little hard because the last time I was there I had Joshua with me and he was still alive. I had to change my calendar. Not just flip it but get a whole new one that doesn't have Joshua's birthday and year on it. I also forgot to ask anyone to water my plant so I came in to find brown leaves. I think I can nurse it back though. I also had to fax to HR Joshua's birth certificate which you'll remember has the word "deceased" on it so hopefully no one will ask too many questions. My co-workers were fine though. No one said anything bad and there were only a few awkward moments. Mostly when folks are trying to end the conversation on a positive note. "Well, hopefully now..." Yeah, it's hard to finish that sentence.
I've been doing okay otherwise. I think. I guess I've been feeling kinda numb lately. Not sad. Not really happy. I don't think too much about Joshua and is that because I'm moving on with life or because I'm avoiding grief? It doesn't feel like I'm avoiding anything but I still feel guilty for not sitting around and crying more.
Maybe I am crying more than I think I am. There were two deaths in our church last week. One was a baby (7 months gestation) of friends of ours. I'm thankful I was able to talk to the mom and help her out. Didn't think I'd be helping someone else so soon. But talking to her helps me too and I was able to cry with her. The other person who died was an elder in our church who wasn't much older than our parents. He and his wife were at Joshua's funeral. Martin and I went to the viewing last night and we are going to the funeral tonight. I was fine at the funeral home but got upset after I got home. I feel like that's a common thing - I go through things thinking it won't be a big deal but then it hits me. Like coming back to work.
And like going to my 6 week checkup with my OB. That was on the 6th. I went by myself but later wished I hadn't. I was fine until I pulled into the parking lot. Then the tears came. And I cried with the nurse. And the doctor who delivered Joshua. She said that I'm healing fine. Only restriction is no weight lifting for 3 more months. She also said they recommend not delivering another baby for 2 years after the c-section to allow for healing. That's longer than I was thinking. I'm still thinking about future plans but trying to just be okay with "wait and see" and not have a game plan. I really need to just trust God.
As for my other ranting from a few weeks ago - my health insurance company did pay both of the claims I was disputing so that's good. I still have one more bill that I'm hoping the hospital review and not require me to pay. We were able to submit the claim for life insurance with Martin's work but haven't gotten the payment yet.
So we are doing okay, enjoying time with Dylan and Lydia and getting used to the new normal. Thanks for your continued prayers.
My two days off last week were supposed to be vacation days and Martin and I were scheduled to go to the cemetery to pick out Joshua's grave marker. But then I got a corneal abrasion and ended up taking sick leave and cancelling the appointment. We rescheduled for next week. My eye is better now but I couldn't see for 2 days.
Coming back into the office was a little hard because the last time I was there I had Joshua with me and he was still alive. I had to change my calendar. Not just flip it but get a whole new one that doesn't have Joshua's birthday and year on it. I also forgot to ask anyone to water my plant so I came in to find brown leaves. I think I can nurse it back though. I also had to fax to HR Joshua's birth certificate which you'll remember has the word "deceased" on it so hopefully no one will ask too many questions. My co-workers were fine though. No one said anything bad and there were only a few awkward moments. Mostly when folks are trying to end the conversation on a positive note. "Well, hopefully now..." Yeah, it's hard to finish that sentence.
I've been doing okay otherwise. I think. I guess I've been feeling kinda numb lately. Not sad. Not really happy. I don't think too much about Joshua and is that because I'm moving on with life or because I'm avoiding grief? It doesn't feel like I'm avoiding anything but I still feel guilty for not sitting around and crying more.
Maybe I am crying more than I think I am. There were two deaths in our church last week. One was a baby (7 months gestation) of friends of ours. I'm thankful I was able to talk to the mom and help her out. Didn't think I'd be helping someone else so soon. But talking to her helps me too and I was able to cry with her. The other person who died was an elder in our church who wasn't much older than our parents. He and his wife were at Joshua's funeral. Martin and I went to the viewing last night and we are going to the funeral tonight. I was fine at the funeral home but got upset after I got home. I feel like that's a common thing - I go through things thinking it won't be a big deal but then it hits me. Like coming back to work.
And like going to my 6 week checkup with my OB. That was on the 6th. I went by myself but later wished I hadn't. I was fine until I pulled into the parking lot. Then the tears came. And I cried with the nurse. And the doctor who delivered Joshua. She said that I'm healing fine. Only restriction is no weight lifting for 3 more months. She also said they recommend not delivering another baby for 2 years after the c-section to allow for healing. That's longer than I was thinking. I'm still thinking about future plans but trying to just be okay with "wait and see" and not have a game plan. I really need to just trust God.
As for my other ranting from a few weeks ago - my health insurance company did pay both of the claims I was disputing so that's good. I still have one more bill that I'm hoping the hospital review and not require me to pay. We were able to submit the claim for life insurance with Martin's work but haven't gotten the payment yet.
So we are doing okay, enjoying time with Dylan and Lydia and getting used to the new normal. Thanks for your continued prayers.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Tiny Dancer
Lydia started dance class today. It's a 13-week Mommy and Me class where they learn a little ballet, pretend to be animals, dress up in costumes, and have a lot of fun. I knew we had stepped into "girly" world when we sat down in the class and the first thing the teacher did was give all 6 little girls scented body glitter to wear on their arms and neck while dancing. Lydia has been looking at her reflection in the window in our house and watching herself dance. She really liked the mirrors in dance class. Not sure if this is something we'll continue but at least she seems to really like it now.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Happy Birthday Lydia!
Lydia's birthday was on a Monday but since it was a federal holiday this year we decided to have her party on her birthday. Lydia wanted a "doggie" party so we had many dog decorations; ate hot dogs, puppy chow, and puppy treats; and played hot dog (hot potato), cat cat dog (duck duck goose), and "who let the dogs out?" Lydia will go for her three-year well child check up on the 19th so I'll post an update on Lydia after that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)