Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Our Christmas cards are in the mail - here's what you'll see when they get there. The kids and I will be wearing these same outfits this afternoon at our family service at MPC at 4:30pm.

Trying not to play that card

You know, the my-baby-just-died one. But I've been dealing with some not very helpful people this week from insurance companies and HR. Claims were denied that should not have been, forms we need to fill out aren't there, and I can't get approved for training that I wanted to take because I'm on "extended sick leave" for the first week of a 16 week course. I'm hoping that I don't have to chose between going back to work later or having my work pay for the class.

I've been brewing over this all day. Actually, all week since I found out about the unexpected second denied claim. Here it is 2 days before Christmas and I'm making phone calls and expecting people to deal with me and I'm not in the Christmas spirit. Sure, I can blame grief and excuse myself but maybe it's just that when we're grieving or going through something difficult the things that annoy or upset us now become bigger. Maybe my feelings which haven't manifested themselves in lots of crying come out in different ways - getting frustrated over things I think should be going right, especially now. And maybe these are my idols, things I put too much importance on. Why is it that I can deal with a big thing going wrong but the little things get to me? I'm sad about Joshua dying but what really makes me angry and upset is incompetence, inflexibility, and attitudes of other people.

I know it's good to think through all these things and it shows I'm learning and growing through the experience but still, I need to snap out of this - it's Christmas!

"New" Normal

I was chatting with someone at church who asked me how I was doing and I said that my parents had left the Friday after the funeral and she said oh so now you're trying to figure out what the "new normal" is. This was a perfectly fine thing to say but it did get me thinking. Is my "new" normal that different than the old. For someone who loses someone (like a husband) who was such a presence in that person's life, the new normal is very different. But sadly Joshua never lived with us outside the womb. In a lot of ways, especially compared to a situation where we would have been bringing him home and would have had a newborn to care for, our new normal is very much like the old (except that I'm off of work for a few weeks).


Thinking about this makes me a little sad because it reminds me how little time we had with Joshua and because in some ways I wish my life was changed more by him. We have the memories of the pregnancy and the time in the hospital and some tangible things to help us remember Joshua and I can't imagine a day going by without thinking about him, but on the outside we look a lot like we did last year at this time - we're back to a family of 4 here on earth. But on the inside, the new normal is new. Grieving and loss are very new. My day to day life may be the same as before in a lot of ways but the ways I've seen God work and love that people have shown us has changed my relationships and my outlook. I also feel like I have a new identity of a mom who has lost a child.


There has been some outward "newness" too. I was thrilled at the grocery store the other day to be able to talk about my 3 kids without the cashier asking enough questions to learn that one of my children is deceased. (I said something about how all my kids were born within a day of a holiday - Halloween, New Years, and Thanksgiving.) It was great to be able to talk about my "new" situation (having 3 kids) without going into the whole story. Part of the new normal that is different will be figuring out how to answer the "how many kids do you have?" question. Being someone who likes to give precise answers and who, like most moms, doesn't want to ever gloss over the existence of my child in heaven, I don't think it will be easy to just say 2. I'm sure the answer will depend on the person, the situation, and my mood at the time.

How we are doing

If you were going to call to ask me this - please still call! But I will answer the question here too.

Physically, I'm amazed and how quickly I've recovered and how much the recovery has progressed each day. A day after delivering when the nurses told me I had to get up and go to the bathroom by myself I thought they were nuts. I did it but it was hard. The next morning, another nurse told me she was going to try to get me up to take a shower that day. She certainly was nuts. Well, no. I took a shower that day mostly by myself. I couldn't believe what a difference a few hours made. The next day I was walking around and going home. I was still taking pain meds around the clock including some of the strong stuff. On Monday the 28th, I stopped taking the strong pain medication (due to the side effect of constipation which would have put me back in the ER if it weren't for my nurse mother being there) and was just taking Advil. A week later I was down to about 2 doses a day and by the two week mark I was totally off the medication. The numbness and brusing are starting to go away above my incision but now I'm starting to feel soreness in my ab muscles. My bleeding stopped a week after delivery but came back slightly 5 days later but then went away again about a week later. I didn't have real lactation issues either. I felt "let down" (how appropriately named in my case), especially hugging lots of people at the funeral, but never pain. (Need to find something to do with that cabbage that I bought now. :) )

Emotionally, I think I'm doing okay. I could definitely tell there was something hormonal/chemical going on with me that first week but I haven't felt that since. The crying that comes doesn't seem to take me by surprise so much. It's when I'm talking to a friend or sitting quietly and thinking or praying. I still feel like I know nothing about how to grieve though. Someone sent me a link to blog of a gal who lost her 7 week old this summer. While her range of emotions seem to be wider than mine (mostly due to her different circumstances), I related to so much of what she said. So I found that helpful and it gave me a little check on my own feelings. I know I need to talk to people in person too so I'll do that.

The kids seem to be doing fine. They talk about Joshua in a mostly matter-of-fact way. They see me cry and ask if I'm sad. I tell them I just miss Joshua. Often times I cry and laugh together and they seem a little confused by that (to preschoolers, you're either happy or you're sad, you can't be both). But maybe it's good for them to see/learn that joy and sorrow can co-exist.

Martin went back to work on Monday. So we're somewhat getting back our routine except I won't be going back to work for another month or so. I'm back in "planning mode" for some things - signing the kids up for classes at the community center in January, planning Lydia's birthday, and thinking about school for next year (decisions need to be made in January). But thankfully since I'm not going into work but the kids are still going to daycare 3 days a week I still have time to reflect and think about the holidays.

Today was my due date. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since Joshua's birthday. We got his birth certificate in the mail yesterday. We've had the death certificate for 2 weeks. The birth certificate has the word "deceased" under "certificate of live birth" in accordance with VA state law "to prevent the fradulent use of birth certificates of deceased persons." I guess that makes sense but bleh.

Joshua's Burial

Today we had a small burial service for Joshua. Our pastor Butch gave us even more words of comfort from I Thessolonians 4:13-18 and from the Westminster Confession of Faith. We will see Joshua again in heaven God exhorts us in His Word to comfort each other with that fact. The Bible gives specific instructions to us on grieving - comfort each other and do it with the hope of our salvation.

We all laid white roses next to Joshua's tiny casket. It was a lot colder than I thought. I held Lydia to keep warm. Afterwards we were planning on going out to lunch. I told Lydia that it was time to go to lunch at a restaurant. She asked if we could get a high chair for Joshua.

It was hard to leave the cemetary. I felt like we were leaving Joshua. I'm sure that's normal but it shows how important it is to remember the words that Butch reminded us of. For comfort and for joy. I'm also thankful for the many emails and cards that remind us that Joshua is with His Heavenly Father and is experiencing utter bliss as I type.

Joshua's Funeral

Today was Joshua's funeral. I wore a navy blue dress and black flats that I bought the day before Joshua was born thinking that I needed new shoes to wear to the funeral. (Think/Whisper "This is not the way things are supposed to be.") Our family all gathered in the McLean Room before the service with the pastors. We tried to keep Dylan and Lydia content and somewhat quiet. We processed into the sanctuary, sitting in the same seats we would have sat in if it was his baptism instead of his funeral. ("This was not the way things were supposed to be.") His little white casket was up front with flowers all around. The casket (which Dylan called a basket) was closed but I remember thinking this was the first time that our little family was together in the same room.

Two days earlier we spent 3 hours with our pastor planning the service. We chose the songs and the Scripture verses. My only criteria was chosing something appropriate. God did so much more. So many folks came up to us after the service and told us how blessed they were by the service and how it was one of the most worshipful times they have experienced. One of the elders in our church - a tall, military man - weeped as he told us how much he learned from the service and our circumstances. Praise the Lord for already using Joshua's life to further the Kingdom of God.

Martin and I wept through most of the singing. We sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness," "Better is One Day," and "Blessed Be Your Name." If you know those songs, a lot of those lyrics are hard to get through. Dylan and Lydia were with us in the first pew. I can't say they sat because Dylan was climbing or crawling on the floor most of the time and Lydia was in our arms. She hit her head on the pew and started crying. My mom took her out for a minute but then brought her back and Martin held her while she sucked her thumb. It was her naptime. As we walked out, I carried the assortment of toys and purses and headbands that the kids had strewn across the pew. (While all death is "not the way it's supposed to be," especially in our case, there's just something about children and funerals that says "this is not the way it's supposed to be.")

Saying Goodbye

Today we had a small private viewing for Joshua. Earlier, Martin and I took a small blue blanket, a newborn sleeper that Dylan had worn, a little premie shirt with a train on it that my friend Jan picked up for us on Monday, a white premie hat that we recieved in a care package from the hospital, and a cross pin that my mom bought to the funeral home so the folks there could dress him for us. He looked so precious. The blue blanket lay underneath his head and then was wrapped around his whole body. But just enough of his clothes were showing to see the cross pin on his shirt. My in-laws bought a cross pillow with flowers on it that they laid in the tiny white casket too.


Dylan decided not to go to the viewing. He said he wanted to see pictures later. We asked him to pick out a baby toy to give to Joshua that we would leave in the casket. He chose a little stuffed turtle that we kept in the kids' diaper bags for when we needed to occupy them with something quiet. Dylan said he chose it because it was soft.


Lydia decided to give Joshua the bear we got in the care package at the hospital. She said it was Joshua's. (We actually got two bears - Lydia latched onto the one that was in Joshua's bassinet and Dylan got an identical one for him to hold too. So, although she doesn't know it, we had Lydia give Joshua the one that Dylan got and kept the one that was in Joshua's bassinet.) There was a bear that came with Joshua's casket and we told Lydia that Joshua gave her that bear as she gave him the one from the hospital. We let Lydia see Joshua's body in the casket. She said (in that way that 2-3 year olds do when they actually asking for confirmation of what they are saying) that Joshua was sleeping (as Dylan said when he saw my grandfather at his viewing in 2008). We said yes but we also told her that Joshua was in heaven with Jesus and she later repeated that statement to us.

Knowing the truth about Joshua's salvation, I thought that I wouldn't have so much of an attachment to his body but I did. Seeing him for the last time on this earth was extremely difficult as you might imagine, especially since we only had such a short time with him. I wanted to try to memorize every inch of his tiny face. Somehow he had scratch on his cheek from the first time we saw him and both at the hospital on Friday and at the viewing today I would stroke his cheek with my finger where the scratch was. Martin and I "talked" to Joshua a little and told him we loved him and how we would never forget him. I just wanted to hold him and be with him longer. As one of my pastors said on Friday when he visited, that's not strange or denying the truth. His body is where he lived for 8 months and it's something tangible (in a situation where there aren't many tangible things to hold onto). I had been thinking about the kids and their need for something tangible to help their understanding of their brother's birth and death, but I'm also seeing my need for something tangible as well.

Baby News

Joshua Dietrich Etner (yes, a boy!) was born at 11:58pm on Thursday, November 24th (Thanksgiving). He weighed 2lbs, 3 oz and was 14.5 inches long. He went to be the Lord about a half hour after he was born. Martin and I had a sweet time with him in the operating room before his passing. Martin held him most all of his life outside the womb. I held his tiny head in my hand. Martin spoke to him about the people who loved him including his Savior and on cue after Martin finished a sentence, Joshua nodded his head while taking a breath.

The Lord gave us so many blessings in the events surrounding Joshua’s birth. First, since I went into labor on Thanksgiving, my parents were there to take care of Dylan and Lydia so we could leave quickly for the hospital (which we need to do since my water broke – this happened around 9pm). Second, obviously the biggest blessing was that he was born alive and that we got to spend time with him. This may not have occurred if he had not been breech and if we had not being planning to do a c-section. Joshua’s heartbeat started to decrease while we were at the hospital and the c-section kept getting moved up to the point that at the end (after I had gotten the local anesthesia) it became an emergency c-section. It turns out the placenta had come detached (probably starting when my water broke) and I would have had to have had a c-section anyway – but, if we hadn’t started the c-section prep from the time I got to the hospital there may not have been enough to get him out. Third, because the doctor had to hurry up at the end, Joshua was born before midnight, which means his birthday was not the same day he died. This was something that had been a desire of mine which the Lord gave me out of His abundance. We were also richly blessed by our friends and pastor who came to the hospital and were praying in a room down the hall when Joshua was born and the nurses and doctors who cared and supported us in so many ways. The nurse who was my delivery nurse on Thursday night took care of me again on Saturday night and helped me write down some notes on the details of Joshua’s birth story so I wouldn’t forget. She filled in the story from her perspective and helped us see how amazing it was. Praise the Lord.

As one of my friends pointed out, I now have a November child (five years after I thought I would have one) and so my blog will again be appropriately named for when I use it to recall the "Sweet November" memories of our little boy.

Week 37 update

We'll we made it to full term with the pregnancy. In an otherwise tough week I had ten friends take me out on Sunday to celebrate and honor our baby's life. I felt really honored and blessed. I also received a note yesterday from my great aunt in CA. She's someone I haven't seen in 18 years but she took the time to write me and tell me that she is praying for me.

We heard the baby's heartbeat again at the appointment on Tuesday. I've been feeling some movement higher up and was hopeful that she may have turned. They didn't do an ultrasound on Tuesday so we didn't find out if she did. The doctor said from what he could tell from examining me that she had not but he really couldn't say for sure. He said it was unlikely that she would. So we continued to discuss c-section. All the doctors in the practice discussed my case at their Tuesday morning meeting and the doctor that I saw yesterday conveyed to us that the consensus was that since we had gotten this far in the pregnancy, it would be best to minimize the stress on the baby from labor and do a c-section. We agree so assuming she is still breech when I go into labor, I'll be having a c-section. Apparently there is about a 20-30 minute window after the c-section where I wouldn't be able to hold her but she would be in the room and the doctor seemed to think that it would be more likely that I'd have more time with her if I have c-section which would be less stress on her than if I were not to have c-section even given that time window. Obviously there are no assurances and the only information we have to base decisions on is mushy so we need to be leaning on the wisdom, peace, and love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge and understanding.

We got a little bit of certainty in that the doctor asked us to schedule a c-section for 39 weeks (December 7th) in case I have not gone into labor at that time. So that tail of the uncertainty distribution has been cut short at least (my econ and math geek friends will understand how thinking about it in those terms is somewhat of a relief for me).

Martin and I both told our bosses this week and they were supportive. The hard part was asking questions to the HR reps who we don't know for answers to our questions about our very unique circumstances. We think that we will be able to make a claim for a life insurance policy through Martin's work to cover the funeral expenses. We were not able to add any coverage through my work. It's a really difficult time of year to be dealing with this sort of thing too (holidays with people out of the office, open seasons for benefits that confuse matters and have us making other benefit decisions at the same time, etc.).

We also met with the funeral home nearest our home on Tuesday. It was actually a huge relief to talk to them. Apparently the cost of an infant funeral is about a fourth of the cost of an adult funeral. The lady we were working with there also helped us call the cemetaries (something I was dreading doing). We are going to try to get as much planned ahead of time since it looks likely that I'll be in the hospital longer because of the c-section.

Thinking about what's going to happen in the next three weeks in pretty overwhelming. I plan on being in the office next week for 2-3 days and then working from home until the baby is delivered. Going to try to decorate the house for Christmas this Friday and get some pictures taken this weekend to try to make sure our Christmas celebration doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. Shopping and wrapping is probably not going to happen this year except for the kids but I'm guessing our families won't be offended by gift cards this year. Martin, my mom, and I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for 8 - in addition to my parents, my brother and my friend Amy are coming! It's nice not to have to travel.

Even in these circumstances, we are counting our blessings at this Thanksgiving because there are many. In some cases it's because of these circumstances that we have more blessings. We are thankful for our baby's life and the peace we have from God that her life is purposeful and that He will work all things for our good and His Glory. We are thankful for the comfort God has provided through His Word, our friends and family, and our children during this time. And we are thankful for the rich abundance of relationships and provisions that God given us.

Week 36 update

The doctor’s appointment this week was good, but a little hard. The baby’s heartbeat was 155 which was really good. The sonogram showed lots of fluid which was also good. But at the time the baby was breech. (Still no confirmation on boy or girl but we’re going with girl based on the last sonogram.) She’s small and there’s lots of room and fluid for her to move around so she could turn, but we have to be prepared to make a decision about a c-section. A c-section would help the baby's chances and would maybe allow us to see her longer but it's a c-section and I might not be able enjoy my time with her as much. I want to be able to hold her while I can. Given the size of the baby and how easily Lydia came out last time, the doctor said a vaginal breech birth should not be that difficult (he said he's done hundreds of vaginal breech births) but do we take the chance (doctor said it was about 5%) that the baby's arm or something would get stuck.

We saw the lead doctor (Dr. B) at our practice today. He's so nice and I felt very cared for by him. He changed my due date back to what I thought it should be (12/14) and told us he was going to discuss our situation with the rest of the staff so everyone would be ready. So I felt like he was really listening to me and my concern that the baby is coming soon more so than the other doctors (although I like the other ones too). Dr. B was also more (gently) frank with us about the baby’s condition whereas the other doctors may have avoided going into more details. He hugged us and really encouraged us in what we were doing. We discussed doing an amnio with him and he said he was willing to do it but he thought it was moot at this point. If for some reason it’s not a trisomy case, then there’s not anything that they or we could do differently. And the chances that it’s not trisomy are so small.

We've been blessed by the prayers of so many friends and family. I’ve really seen them working. I don’t even remember this but I guess I said I was tired in an email to some friends. I haven’t been noticeably tired since then. Also, we were able to decide on a girl’s name the same week we sent out the email.

We are still praying for the decisions we have to make and that we would wait upon the Lord during this time of uncertainty. I was encouraged by one of my dear friends today that God gives us the grace when we need it and so even though at times I fear the uncertainty of what’s to come, God will provide His comfort and His grace for the moments that I need them. I return to the doctor’s on Tuesday and we are also meeting with a funeral home that day. My parents and my brother are coming to town on Wednesday to spend Thanksgiving with us since I am obviously unable to travel at this point.

Sweet November

Today is the 6th anniversary of me starting my blog. And Sunday is Martin's and my 7th anniversary. While I haven't used this blog as much as I did at one point (blame or thank Facebook among other things), I am so thankful I have this record of my thoughts on career aspirations, my pregnancies, and my children's growth. The baby books may be sitting in my spare bedroom closet empty but at least I have my blog. Thank you all for reading and being involved in my life, especially during this time.

Dylan update

Dylan turned 5 on Sunday. Hard to believe. He has now decided to start calling us "Mom" and "Dad" instead of "Mommy" and "Daddy" proving that he is really a big kid now and in the process making us feel just a little old.

Let's see, big milestones over the past year - writing his name, loving every single day of preschool, moving up to a booster seat, riding a bike without training wheels, sleeping on the top of a bunk bed, hanging out with the neighborhood boys, going to children's church, singing in the choir, going to Vacation Bible School for the first time. It's been a good year. I feel like we've come out of a really hard stage we had with Dylan and he seems to be more compliant and eats better and is more helpful. That makes life a little easier but it's not a measure I necessarily want to use on my child's character or emotional development. Sort of like those stats we get from the doctor for his physical development - speaking of which - 36 lbs 6 oz in weight (25th percentile) and 40 and 3/4 inches in height (10th percentile). The doctor asked us (his parents) our heights and if either of us were late bloomers because according to our heights he should end up at about 5'10''. I'm pretty sure Martin was a late bloomer so we're expecting the same from Dylan. There are kids his age that are a whole head taller at this point but this still hasn't affected Dylan.

Things that have become clear to me about Dylan this year - he is the most extroverted person I know. If we leave him at the table to finish his breakfast while we get ourselves and Lydia dressed he yells from downstairs, "I'm scared to be alone!!" He's not scared scared but just can't stand the thought of being alone. This summer when preschool was out of session he wanted at least one playdate every day. He loves Bible Study and choir and preschool so much because he gets to be with his friends. We have very little privacy in our house (which we don't mind usually). How two, mostly introverted people ended up with Dylan is a mystery to us.

Another thing that I've noticed is that Dylan is all about schedules as I mentioned in the blog before. "What are we going to do today? What are we going to do tomorrow?" He is also very details-oriented too. The doctor even picked up on this at his appointment. The doctor asked him the name of his preschool teacher and he said Ms. Rose and the doctor said Miss Rose and he said no, Ms. Rose. He doesn't like me to refer to his booster seat as a car seat. "It's a booster seat Mom!" He's a fairly serious kid and pretty literal too.

Dylan has a great memory and really makes connections with what he learns, especially things he learns at church and Sunday school. Things we are still working on - counting, fine motor skills, doing all things without complaining, obeying immediately.

I'm looking forward to the next year for Dylan. He will start Kindergarten next year and we are actually going to an open house next week for a private Christian school we are considering. One of his preschool friends might be going there too. Whether we go that route or the public school within walking distance of our house, I'm confident that Dylan will do well. He seems to like the structure that school provides.

While Dylan is not a cuddler, he's still young enough to kiss and hug his mommy and I'm thankful for that. I'm getting all the hugs and kisses I can while he's still willing to provide them.

More recent update(s)

I just posted another update from last month (see the post before last) with some more recent info. I have another sonogram on the 15th and will post a "real time" update after that. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

What's going on with us....

Scroll down three posts to the one that I wrote back in August for a short explanation of a sad family situation. I've tried to tell most of you who read this blog (and I'm sure my number of readers has diminished) but for those I haven't I wanted to let you know what's going on as my due date approaches. I will try to update my blog as I have things to write about but for now not much as changed since August.

30 week update

Here's a picture before my 30-week appointment last week. We had a sonogram that day. The baby has continued to grow and the heartbeat has been strong and normal despite no change in the conditions that the 20 week sonogram showed. The doctors believe that it's Trisomy 18 (I'll let you do your own google search but basically the baby has an extra 18th chromosome and that has cause the abnormalities.)


The problems with the baby haven't caused me any pregnancy problems that a normal pregnancy would have. I'm just dealing with the regular 3rd trimester uncomfortableness and some hip pain that was similar to what I had with Lydia. I'm also having some sciatic nerve issues but again that isn't abnormal for pregnancy.


The sonogram I had was done in the doctors office by one of my obstetricians. He tried to tell us the sex of the baby since the baby's legs were crossed at the 20 week sonogram. He looked between the baby's legs and said, "well, I don't see anything so I'm pretty sure it's a girl." So we're going with girl for now but I'm not 100 percent sure.


At first we were concerned that the Trisomy 18 would cause pre-term labor but as time as gone on we have found that the pregnancy is a waiting game. Thankfully I have been able to feel her move pretty regularly so I haven't been as worried about hearing the baby's heartbeat as I go into my appointments. The baby could still pass away in utero before I'm full term but we are hopeful that she will make it through labor and that we will get to meet her even if it is for a few minutes. Of course nothing is guaranteed.

Emotionally, so much of this really hasn't hit us yet in the sense that the hard part is yet to come. Since we found out the sad news and dealt with the initial shock, life has gotten mostly back to normal except that at least once a week, I tell someone new about the baby. That's where we are right now, just telling people slowly and reading Scripture and books on loss and grief. We'll be meeting with our pastor soon too. As always we appreciate your prayers.

schedule

Back in May, I told you about the calendar I made for Dylan. I finally fixed it, motivated by our new schedule with the new school year so here's the pic. The pencils are for preschool and the kids holding hands are day care days. The music note is choir practice and/or music class. I think Dylan is just now starting to get the days of the week. There are a lot of things that didn't seem to be clicking in his brain for a while that now are. He counted to 30 for the first time this week. (But he's been able to name 30 different dinosaurs for a long time now, go figure.)

Oh the sweet, compassionate sovereignty of God

On Friday we found out through the 20-week ultrasound that our baby is not going to make it. The baby has a number of severe abnormalities and the pronosis is terminal. The doctors suspect it is a chromosonal issue but that has not been confirmed yet.


I've obviously been doing a lot of thinking and praying these past few days and I decided to start typing them out so I would remember the blessings that we have experienced these last few days and to help in the grieving process. If I decide to publish these entries they will be published only after a time lag, mostly because I haven't had a chance to tell people yet.


The biggest blessings have been our doctors at Tepeyac Family Center. They are obviously encouraging us in the decision to carry the baby as long at he or she lives and providing us with perinatal hospice care. Our church family has also been a huge blessing to us, offering us help and inviting us over for meals and such. Our other two children have also been a wonderful blessing. After telling Dylan that the baby will go straight to heaven to be with Jesus, Dylan very easily put two and two together and said "so we'll see the baby when we get there." (I'm learning a lot about the emotional capacity of a 4.5 year old. He doesn't cry about the baby because he knows we'll see him or her in heaven yet he had tears streaming down his face this morning because we ran out of raisens for his cereal.) When we are sad, Dylan preaches to us and reminds us of the joy of our salvation. Lydia (in her 2.5-year old demanding voice) tells me to sing in the car when Dylan's VBS CD is playing (for example "How Great Thou Art" or "He Reigns"). It has been a good reminder for me to make sure I'm singing and talking to the baby in case he or she can hear us since this may be the only chance we get to talk to him or her alive.


Other than these blessings we have also seen the work of God supporting us in all this. From leading us to Tepeyac to giving me the wisdom not to tell work that I was thinking about leaving to giving us two other wonderful children before this loss, God has definitely lessened the blow from this devestating news. I shared this with one of my pastors over the weekend and he said "oh the sweet, compassionate sovereignty of God." Amen. Even last week, I had just read (and posted here on my blog) probably one of the most applicable Bible verses to apply to our situation. The Pharisees ask Jesus why a man was born blind, did he sin or his parents and in John 9:3 Jesus answers them with "this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in his life." I have no desire to ask why. (Maybe why us? but not in the sense of why is God making us suffer but why is God trusting us with helping to display his works.) So I also see God sustaining us with His peace in our hearts at this time.

Far, far above my thoughts

Far, far above your thought his counsel shall appear,
When fully he the work has wrought that caused your needless fear.

-Commit Now All Your Griefs,Words by Paul Gerhardt and John Wesley

The words of this hymn and the following Scripture spoke to me this week:

this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him - John 9:3

In my thinking of the decision about work, while the peace and comfort and security of my family is a reasonable objective, my ultimate goal and prayer should be that "the works of God" would be displayed in my life. And instead of trying to "solve" the problem by analyzing and agonizing over the decision day in and day out, I need to let God "wrought the work" through His counsel which is far, far above my thoughts. This is so hard for me to do.

Week 18 Update

The doctors appointment last week went well. Heartbeat was good. Sonogram is scheduled for the 29th so just 2.5 more weeks and we will hopefully find out if the kids have a little brother or a little sister.

I'm slowly slowly getting more and more energy back. I get tired (and cranky as my husband will tell you) right before meals but I'm not sure that's much different than normal.

I finally told work this week. Everyone said congratulations. I got a less than positive reaction from one co-worker but he has given me less than positive reactions for all three pregnancies so I'm trying to let that slide off my back.

Week 17 Update

I think the Vitamin D supplement helped because I'm not quite as tired. But I still feel pretty tired. Getting up to go to work is hard and commuting home is tough too. I'm wondering if that is adding to my thoughts on quitting. As I mentioned in a comment, I'm thinking about telling work I'm taking 6 months off and then making the final decision when I'm in non-pay status (the last 3 months of that). That way we'll see what it's like trying to live off of one salary. One thing that supports the quitting decision is that I found out that for Dylan to qualify for school aged childcare, I'd have to work 30 hours a week minimum. I've really been feeling that 30 hours is too much and 25 was much better. So that would complicate things.


I've been feeling the baby move and kick a little. That's exciting and helps it feel more real. I still need to tell my boss and make the facebook announcement. I'm thinking I'll do that next week. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I'll get the order for the sonogram so I can schedule. I'm really excited to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We'll have to decide if we are bringing the kids along or not. Dylan didn't come to Lydia's sonogram but he was younger.

Other recent pics of the kids

Cute outfit from FL Grandma with cute shoes from PA Grandma.

Last day of Pre-school

Easter

Week 15 Update

Well, now I'm just tired. Turns out I'm low on vitamin D so that might have something to do with it. Doctor told me to an extra vitamin each day for vitamin D. Hopefully that will help. I seemed to do fine at camp though. I did a lot of walking but felt really good. Can't I go to camp all summer? Dinnertime seems to be the worst.


We heard the baby's heartbeat at the last doctor's appointment. It was in the 150s, same as my other two. Can't wait to find out what we are having. Hopefully I can schedule a sonogram before the end of July.


I feel like this pregnancy is going to go on forever. There's so much to do with the first one so I guess that makes the time go faster. I just feel like it's taking forever and I just want to hold the baby...and quit work. Maybe I'm just impatient about wanting to quit work. But then again I not one to enjoy being pregnant but I do enjoy babies so maybe I'm just not content with being pregnant. It's going to be a long 6 months.


Speaking of the whole work thing, I've been feeling like a need a plan though to keep my skills up and facilitate a reentry at some point. If I don't go out with a plan I might never come back. So I found this website (Flexforce Professionals) that post jobs for people who want to work 15-20 hours from home which would be ideal for me. Most of the postings however seem to be in accounting so I'm thinking of taking the classes I would need to get my CPA. This is still a preliminary idea but I think I would enjoy that type of stuff. I could get hired by a local small business or something. The financial education (teaching people how to budget) route is still open and I could look into financial planning (would require certification) too.



Lydia is practicing potty training more now. We took a potty to daycare for her. She was dry two mornings in a row which was encouraging, but she has had a number of accidents too. I'm getting impatient (hmm, seeing a theme?) about moving her to a big girl bed. I don't want to have to put her down in the crib anymore.


On funny thing about Lydia - she keeps asking how the baby is going to get out of my belly. (How baby get out, mommy?) I told her that Mommy is going to go to the hospital and the doctor will help the baby get out in a very special way. That will satisfy her until the next time she asks. (She asks many of the same questions on a daily basis so it's not just this one that gets repeated.) Dylan did overhear once and followed up with a "How?" In a very special way....

Week 13 update

The first trimester have been all about me but I guess that's the way it was for the other two too. It's just such a drain on the mommy's body. I've been feeling better except for two things - smells that cause me to gag and being really tired. I'm hoping it's going to get better soon especially since I'll be at camp next week.





The sonogram I had went well although I'm not sure it was worth it. Sure it was neat seeing the baby and his/her heartbeat but really there wasn't much to see. Also, the doctor said the baby was measuring a week behind what we had calculated as my due date. She thinks I might have ovulated late but I know I didn't. She pushed my due date back to December 21st (my mom's birthday) but I still think I'll deliver the first week (or first third) of December. And you can quote me on that.





I created a little baby registry/wish list on Amazon. Not much that we need (at least for the baby) but there are some things that we just never got that I figured I'd put up there - like a spout cover for the bathtub.





We got a mini-van a few weeks ago. It's a used silver 2011 Toyota Sienna. We all love it.







I haven't told work that I'm pregnant yet and I'm not going to until I get back from vacation on the 20th. I've actually been able to make it without wearing maturity clothes to work. My shorts and jeans are a different story though. My little belly belt expander thing has come in handy so far. I need to better organize my maternity clothes.




The other things on the pre-baby to do list: book babymoon, potty train Lydia, move Lydia to a big girl bed (starting the process now by not rocking her before bedtime - I know, should have done that a long time ago - she's my baby), run all the plastic baby toys through the dishwasher, get out all the infant stuff we stored, buy bunkbeds, buy a booster seat for Dylan for the car, finish our will.

What the kids have been up to

This spring Lydia took an art class with Abrakadoodle and Dylan did a soccer clinic both at the Vienna Community Center. They both really enjoyed the classes and the added scheduling that was added to our week was minimal although I am a little relived to be done with both.

Speaking of scheduling, I think Dylan has inherited his mother's calendar-driven frame of mind. Dylan always wants to know what we are doing today. He recently told his preschool teacher that his favorite thing to do at preschool is the schedule. (The teacher goes over the day's schedule with the kids each morning - they put the events in order on the feltboard). In light of this, I made Dylan a weekly picture calendar of his own with the days of the week and symbols for the different things we do on those days. It fell apart though so I have to redo it. When I do, I'll post a pic.

The kids seem excited about the baby. They get near my belly and say "hi baby" and whenever one of them is sitting on my lap the other says, "(watch) don't hurt (the) baby." They haven't connected my morning sickness with the baby yet and I've been careful not to tell them that the baby is making me sick. But I think if I did, they still wouldn't feel bad for me, they'd probably still side with the baby. I've showed them what the baby looks like from the development pictures on babycenter.com. They haven't asked too many questions even though we've been pretty open about the whole thing. We've told them they will get bunk beds and Dylan seems excited about that.

The art class really helped Lydia learn her colors and she is getting her shapes and letters too. We've tried to incentize Dylan to learn to count to 100 (he's currently stuck on 13) by telling him we'll get a wii if he can do it. So maybe by Christmas.

Dylan and I go back to camp in 3 weeks. Can't wait. Lydia will hang out with Grandma and Grandpap and her cousins that week. Then we will all go to Kennywood together!

Lydia's language abilities have taken off so well that she can now bicker with her brother (yea). Here are some things heard at the dinner table:

D: I'm right and you're wrong. L: No, I right, you wrong. (Repeat about 532 times.)

D: It's lunch time. L: No, it dinner time. (Repeat.)

D: Ewww, vegetables. L: No say eww dylwin.

Week 10 update

Gosh, am I really doing less for baby #3 already by not blogging about my pregnancy for a whole month? Well, I have some excuses and I will report on the whole month. Excuse number one is that I've been really feeling the morning sickness, i.e., all day sickness. I guess it started around week 7 (last week in April). Then I got strep throat and was out of work for a whole week only to come back to the morning sickness. I've started to feel better this week though. The morning sickness was pretty bad, dry heaves and throwing up although thankfully not at work. I used sea-bands and tums to get me through I guess. But I haven't been taken my prenatals as much as I should and I haven't been eating as well as I should. When nothing sounds appetizing but you know you have to eat to not feel nausous then you go to the junk food. The week I had strep I hardly ate a thing so I don't know how this baby is getting what it needs. I haven't been able to open my (new) refridgerator without gaging (so sad) and I swear there is some weird smell in my kitchen that I can't get rid of so needless to say eating has been a challenge.
My first doctors appointment went well. It was quick. They confirmed the pregnancy and said my bloodwork looked good. I go for a sonogram on Friday. That will be exciting to see the baby this soon.
So with the sickness and the stress over my decisions about work I haven't been as giddy excited about being pregnant as some. But I guess that will come. I am thinking this may be the last time I want to do this. And I told Martin to remind me of that when the "mommy amnesia" sets in. The doctor said she wouldn't treat this pregnancy any differently than my last ones even though I am now (almost) 35. But I am feeling a little of the "I'm too old for this" sentiment. It's probably more the fact that I have two kids while being pregnant.
My feelings on work right now are that I want to quit. I don't foresee any great projects after this year (I actually don't know what I'd be working on now that the crisis is waning). Plus, I'm sort of at a plateau in my career. No real prospects of getting promoted especially if I'm working part-time. So I feel it's a good time to quit. Just found this article today. Wow did I need to hear that.
While I truely believe that God called me to this work up to this time, I think that for the sanity of my family, it's best not to have to commute downtown 3 days a week and put in telework hours during my only free time on the days that I am home. In a lot of ways it's logistics (better if someone is home to pick kids up and get dinner started). Granted we could get a nanny. But that's a lot of work too and she wouldn't be there on my telework days.
And yet I'm torn. There's the financial security and desire to send my kids to private school that may only be able to be fulfilled if I'm working. There's the desire to maintain some sort of career so I can eventually go back full time (in 20 years!). There's the fear that the grass isn't any greener and life is still going to be crazy and I'm not going to get to decorating our house, organizing our family pictures, our office, the kids' baby books (all those things I said I'd do when I started staying home). There's the fear that I still won't be able to (or want to) keep a clean house and will feel like a failure for not being able to do basic housewife things. There's the fear that I won't have the self-discipline to keep with my industry to be able to go back to work. There's the fear that I won't have the self-discipline to do creative, educational, and fun things with my kids and will let them watch too much tv. Part of these last fears is that I'm just tired. I want a break. I think not working will give me that break but I'm going to need to be just as "on" as when I'm working. Then on the other hand, there's the fear that I will end up filling up my time with volunteering that I'll end up avoiding my home and family responsibilities anyway (since maybe I work now in part to avoid doing as much housework). Yet, I know that (at least after the new baby is a few months old) if I'm not working I will be able to make progress and things that I feel are slipping through the cracks won't. It won't be perfect. I'll still forget to send the thank you card or register for whatever by the deadline but it's gotta be better than working on top of that, for me at least.

Week 6 update

I thought that I was starting to get morning sickness and fatigue last week but now I'm chalking it up to my pre-natal vitamins, a cold, and some other weird stomach thing that Dylan and I both got last weekend. I think I'm over the cold and stomach thing now and I'm not really feeling nauseous anymore but I have lost a lot of my appetite. This is probably a good thing since I was overeating so much to begin with. I'm starting this pregnancy 15 lbs heavier than the last two. Yuck.



I made my first doctors appointment last week. They couldn't see me until the 29th so I have to wait a whole other week. But they indicated that I might be getting a sonogram in the first trimester this time which I haven't had before. (The receptionist was surprised I had never had an early one before.) So that's exciting.



I think I'm starting to nest already. What it is is that I know I will get absolutely nothing done once the baby gets here and until the baby is at least 18 months old so I have to do all the things I've been meaning to do and all the things I will want to do in the next two years NOW! Ha ha ha. Well, the other thing is that I got a bonus at work and some inheritance money when my grandmother passed away (incidently a few days after I got pregnant) so we were able to make a few purchases we had been meaning to do - new computer, new refridgerator (been planning that one since we moved in almost two years ago). And I've been eyeing mini-vans on the Internet. Martin had to stop me on that one. I think one more major purchase would have put him over the edge.

Round Three

Today (April 8th) I found out that I'm pregnant!

It's weird even saying that again. I feel like it's been so long since I've been pregnant. I got pregnant with Lydia right after weening Dylan so I guess then I never "got my body back" so it was an easier realization. Plus Dylan was younger so it didn't seem so long since we in the baby stage. This is also the first time getting pregnant in our house so it just seems a little foreign. We had been trying for 4-5 months (also something new).

I'm not really feeling anything yet, maybe just having to go to the bathroom a little more.

So Lord willing, the baby will be due December 14th. So this time we'll probably get that tax deduction, but we'll also have another holiday time birthday. I think I'm going to institute half-birthday celebrations with more gift giving than full birthdays.

This also means, hopefully, more blog entries for those who have been missing my blog. Stay tuned.

Lydia at 2!

I feel like Lydia has grown up so much in the last few months. You may feel the same way after looking at these pictures. She definitely has her own style sometimes. She has become more opinionated on what to where (even to the point of telling me she doesn't want the "big" (cloth) diapers). She wants to wear her "stra-bury cake" necklace and her sunglasses a lot.

Her hair has gotten really long as you can see. Someone commented to me the other day, wow she has a great cut, her hair lays so well in the back. God must be a good stylist because we have never cut her hair (save for the one snip courtesy of our friends' son William :). I recently had to start drying her hair after her bath. It was one of those "wow, I'm really a mom" moments for me. (Yes, I know I have been for 4+ years but sometimes you're just doing what you gotta do and you get so wrapped up that when you actually stop for a second and let reality set in, it's a little crazy.)

Lydia had her two-year checkup January 4th. She was 32 inches tall (10th percentile) and weighed 26 lbs. (48th percentile). Her head circumference was in the 85th percentile (and then you add all that hair on and she looks like she has this grownup head on a little toddling body.

Lydia had her "golden" birthday (she was 2 on the 2nd) this year so we had a golden party complete with gold necklaces, gold coins, golden pineapple, and a gold tiara. Lydia eats pretty well these days. She likes fruit and pasta and soup and chicken nuggets and hot dogs and rice and since turning two we introduced PB&J and 2 percent milk. She'll eat her veggies too. Not much but she does eat them.

Lydia is still "sparkly" shoe girl. As you can see in these pics she currently has gold, silver, and pink sparkly shoes. Between the grandmas and her day care provider Lydia got about 20 dresses for Christmas and her birthday. These pics showcase a few.

I have been rocking her almost to sleep at night and for her naps but lately she's been saying she doesn't want to go to sleep and then I have to end up leaving her in her crib crying for 2 minutes before she goes to sleep. She still sucks her thumb. Her naps at home are usually 3 hours but she's been known to take some 4 hours naps (and some 2 hours ones too). But she has not even attempted to climb out of her crib. I don't even think it has crossed her mind. She is so different from Dylan in this way who was trying to climb out as soon as he could stand up and actually climbing out before he was two. But we still have the Crib Tent II in case we need it.

I'm pretty sure Lydia's eyes are not blue anymore. They are green most of the time, I would say. It's hard to tell since as I mentioned in the last post about her, I think she has her dad's eye color which is mostly green but can look really blue if he is wearing a blue shirt.

Lydia has just started to play some with dolls. This is my Cabbage Patch Premie "Chasity Dot." Lydia likes to hold her and rock her and burp her and go get her more milk out of the faucet in her play kitchen. Lydia has just started to answer no when we ask if she's the baby. She says she's a big girl. I think after meeting her new baby cousin Elias (born 12/17/10) that she realized that she wasn't a baby anymore.

Lydia can tell you that she's 2 and she can put up the right number of fingers. She can also count about just as high as her brother can right now (about 12 - but Dylan actually knows what 12 means rather than just memorizing the order). But unlike Dylan at this age she doesn't recognize her letters yet. She knows some shapes, especially circle. And she's starting to get her colors. She usually guesses (in this order) green, purple, orange, pink when you ask her what color something is.

Lydia learned to speak in full sentences a good deal before her 2nd birthday. She repeats a lot of what Dylan says. She also sometimes combines the object of the sentence with the verb. The classic example is that when she wants to be held she says "mommy holdjew" (hold you). She has learned some songs too - Jesus loves me, twinkle twinkle, God our Father (our dinnertime grace song). Most of the time Lydia can be heard asking "waird mommy go?" or "waird dill go?" even if we are right there. She likes to keep track of all of us.

Lydia is still a really happy and mostly agreeable kid. She still says "MEEE!" when you ask "who wants to..." without finishing the sentence. I'm still enjoying this age since she's talking so much more and you can communicate with her so much better now. She has started the "no" and the hitting at anything when she doesn't get her way but she seems to be getting the "gentle" concept.

Lydia will go pee on the potty if we put her there but she's not telling us when she needs to go and we're not putting underwear on her. I tried one or days and we had one success and two accidents each day. I keep debating whether or not to just do it. I think she could. I need to buy her a potty for day care and I haven't gotten around to that so I'm using that as my excuse for now.