Today was Joshua's funeral. I wore a navy blue dress and black flats that I bought the day before Joshua was born thinking that I needed new shoes to wear to the funeral. (Think/Whisper "This is not the way things are supposed to be.") Our family all gathered in the McLean Room before the service with the pastors. We tried to keep Dylan and Lydia content and somewhat quiet. We processed into the sanctuary, sitting in the same seats we would have sat in if it was his baptism instead of his funeral. ("This was not the way things were supposed to be.") His little white casket was up front with flowers all around. The casket (which Dylan called a basket) was closed but I remember thinking this was the first time that our little family was together in the same room.
Two days earlier we spent 3 hours with our pastor planning the service. We chose the songs and the Scripture verses. My only criteria was chosing something appropriate. God did so much more. So many folks came up to us after the service and told us how blessed they were by the service and how it was one of the most worshipful times they have experienced. One of the elders in our church - a tall, military man - weeped as he told us how much he learned from the service and our circumstances. Praise the Lord for already using Joshua's life to further the Kingdom of God.
Martin and I wept through most of the singing. We sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness," "Better is One Day," and "Blessed Be Your Name." If you know those songs, a lot of those lyrics are hard to get through. Dylan and Lydia were with us in the first pew. I can't say they sat because Dylan was climbing or crawling on the floor most of the time and Lydia was in our arms. She hit her head on the pew and started crying. My mom took her out for a minute but then brought her back and Martin held her while she sucked her thumb. It was her naptime. As we walked out, I carried the assortment of toys and purses and headbands that the kids had strewn across the pew. (While all death is "not the way it's supposed to be," especially in our case, there's just something about children and funerals that says "this is not the way it's supposed to be.")
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saying Goodbye
Today we had a small private viewing for Joshua. Earlier, Martin and I took a small blue blanket, a newborn sleeper that Dylan had worn, a little premie shirt with a train on it that my friend Jan picked up for us on Monday, a white premie hat that we recieved in a care package from the hospital, and a cross pin that my mom bought to the funeral home so the folks there could dress him for us. He looked so precious. The blue blanket lay underneath his head and then was wrapped around his whole body. But just enough of his clothes were showing to see the cross pin on his shirt. My in-laws bought a cross pillow with flowers on it that they laid in the tiny white casket too.
Dylan decided not to go to the viewing. He said he wanted to see pictures later. We asked him to pick out a baby toy to give to Joshua that we would leave in the casket. He chose a little stuffed turtle that we kept in the kids' diaper bags for when we needed to occupy them with something quiet. Dylan said he chose it because it was soft.
Lydia decided to give Joshua the bear we got in the care package at the hospital. She said it was Joshua's. (We actually got two bears - Lydia latched onto the one that was in Joshua's bassinet and Dylan got an identical one for him to hold too. So, although she doesn't know it, we had Lydia give Joshua the one that Dylan got and kept the one that was in Joshua's bassinet.) There was a bear that came with Joshua's casket and we told Lydia that Joshua gave her that bear as she gave him the one from the hospital. We let Lydia see Joshua's body in the casket. She said (in that way that 2-3 year olds do when they actually asking for confirmation of what they are saying) that Joshua was sleeping (as Dylan said when he saw my grandfather at his viewing in 2008). We said yes but we also told her that Joshua was in heaven with Jesus and she later repeated that statement to us.
Knowing the truth about Joshua's salvation, I thought that I wouldn't have so much of an attachment to his body but I did. Seeing him for the last time on this earth was extremely difficult as you might imagine, especially since we only had such a short time with him. I wanted to try to memorize every inch of his tiny face. Somehow he had scratch on his cheek from the first time we saw him and both at the hospital on Friday and at the viewing today I would stroke his cheek with my finger where the scratch was. Martin and I "talked" to Joshua a little and told him we loved him and how we would never forget him. I just wanted to hold him and be with him longer. As one of my pastors said on Friday when he visited, that's not strange or denying the truth. His body is where he lived for 8 months and it's something tangible (in a situation where there aren't many tangible things to hold onto). I had been thinking about the kids and their need for something tangible to help their understanding of their brother's birth and death, but I'm also seeing my need for something tangible as well.
Dylan decided not to go to the viewing. He said he wanted to see pictures later. We asked him to pick out a baby toy to give to Joshua that we would leave in the casket. He chose a little stuffed turtle that we kept in the kids' diaper bags for when we needed to occupy them with something quiet. Dylan said he chose it because it was soft.
Lydia decided to give Joshua the bear we got in the care package at the hospital. She said it was Joshua's. (We actually got two bears - Lydia latched onto the one that was in Joshua's bassinet and Dylan got an identical one for him to hold too. So, although she doesn't know it, we had Lydia give Joshua the one that Dylan got and kept the one that was in Joshua's bassinet.) There was a bear that came with Joshua's casket and we told Lydia that Joshua gave her that bear as she gave him the one from the hospital. We let Lydia see Joshua's body in the casket. She said (in that way that 2-3 year olds do when they actually asking for confirmation of what they are saying) that Joshua was sleeping (as Dylan said when he saw my grandfather at his viewing in 2008). We said yes but we also told her that Joshua was in heaven with Jesus and she later repeated that statement to us.
Knowing the truth about Joshua's salvation, I thought that I wouldn't have so much of an attachment to his body but I did. Seeing him for the last time on this earth was extremely difficult as you might imagine, especially since we only had such a short time with him. I wanted to try to memorize every inch of his tiny face. Somehow he had scratch on his cheek from the first time we saw him and both at the hospital on Friday and at the viewing today I would stroke his cheek with my finger where the scratch was. Martin and I "talked" to Joshua a little and told him we loved him and how we would never forget him. I just wanted to hold him and be with him longer. As one of my pastors said on Friday when he visited, that's not strange or denying the truth. His body is where he lived for 8 months and it's something tangible (in a situation where there aren't many tangible things to hold onto). I had been thinking about the kids and their need for something tangible to help their understanding of their brother's birth and death, but I'm also seeing my need for something tangible as well.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Baby News
Joshua Dietrich Etner (yes, a boy!) was born at 11:58pm on Thursday, November 24th (Thanksgiving). He weighed 2lbs, 3 oz and was 14.5 inches long. He went to be the Lord about a half hour after he was born. Martin and I had a sweet time with him in the operating room before his passing. Martin held him most all of his life outside the womb. I held his tiny head in my hand. Martin spoke to him about the people who loved him including his Savior and on cue after Martin finished a sentence, Joshua nodded his head while taking a breath.
The Lord gave us so many blessings in the events surrounding Joshua’s birth. First, since I went into labor on Thanksgiving, my parents were there to take care of Dylan and Lydia so we could leave quickly for the hospital (which we need to do since my water broke – this happened around 9pm). Second, obviously the biggest blessing was that he was born alive and that we got to spend time with him. This may not have occurred if he had not been breech and if we had not being planning to do a c-section. Joshua’s heartbeat started to decrease while we were at the hospital and the c-section kept getting moved up to the point that at the end (after I had gotten the local anesthesia) it became an emergency c-section. It turns out the placenta had come detached (probably starting when my water broke) and I would have had to have had a c-section anyway – but, if we hadn’t started the c-section prep from the time I got to the hospital there may not have been enough to get him out. Third, because the doctor had to hurry up at the end, Joshua was born before midnight, which means his birthday was not the same day he died. This was something that had been a desire of mine which the Lord gave me out of His abundance. We were also richly blessed by our friends and pastor who came to the hospital and were praying in a room down the hall when Joshua was born and the nurses and doctors who cared and supported us in so many ways. The nurse who was my delivery nurse on Thursday night took care of me again on Saturday night and helped me write down some notes on the details of Joshua’s birth story so I wouldn’t forget. She filled in the story from her perspective and helped us see how amazing it was. Praise the Lord.
As one of my friends pointed out, I now have a November child (five years after I thought I would have one) and so my blog will again be appropriately named for when I use it to recall the "Sweet November" memories of our little boy.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Week 37 update
We'll we made it to full term with the pregnancy. In an otherwise tough week I had ten friends take me out on Sunday to celebrate and honor our baby's life. I felt really honored and blessed. I also received a note yesterday from my great aunt in CA. She's someone I haven't seen in 18 years but she took the time to write me and tell me that she is praying for me.
We heard the baby's heartbeat again at the appointment on Tuesday. I've been feeling some movement higher up and was hopeful that she may have turned. They didn't do an ultrasound on Tuesday so we didn't find out if she did. The doctor said from what he could tell from examining me that she had not but he really couldn't say for sure. He said it was unlikely that she would. So we continued to discuss c-section. All the doctors in the practice discussed my case at their Tuesday morning meeting and the doctor that I saw yesterday conveyed to us that the consensus was that since we had gotten this far in the pregnancy, it would be best to minimize the stress on the baby from labor and do a c-section. We agree so assuming she is still breech when I go into labor, I'll be having a c-section. Apparently there is about a 20-30 minute window after the c-section where I wouldn't be able to hold her but she would be in the room and the doctor seemed to think that it would be more likely that I'd have more time with her if I have c-section which would be less stress on her than if I were not to have c-section even given that time window. Obviously there are no assurances and the only information we have to base decisions on is mushy so we need to be leaning on the wisdom, peace, and love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge and understanding.
We got a little bit of certainty in that the doctor asked us to schedule a c-section for 39 weeks (December 7th) in case I have not gone into labor at that time. So that tail of the uncertainty distribution has been cut short at least (my econ and math geek friends will understand how thinking about it in those terms is somewhat of a relief for me).
Martin and I both told our bosses this week and they were supportive. The hard part was asking questions to the HR reps who we don't know for answers to our questions about our very unique circumstances. We think that we will be able to make a claim for a life insurance policy through Martin's work to cover the funeral expenses. We were not able to add any coverage through my work. It's a really difficult time of year to be dealing with this sort of thing too (holidays with people out of the office, open seasons for benefits that confuse matters and have us making other benefit decisions at the same time, etc.).
We also met with the funeral home nearest our home on Tuesday. It was actually a huge relief to talk to them. Apparently the cost of an infant funeral is about a fourth of the cost of an adult funeral. The lady we were working with there also helped us call the cemetaries (something I was dreading doing). We are going to try to get as much planned ahead of time since it looks likely that I'll be in the hospital longer because of the c-section.
Thinking about what's going to happen in the next three weeks in pretty overwhelming. I plan on being in the office next week for 2-3 days and then working from home until the baby is delivered. Going to try to decorate the house for Christmas this Friday and get some pictures taken this weekend to try to make sure our Christmas celebration doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. Shopping and wrapping is probably not going to happen this year except for the kids but I'm guessing our families won't be offended by gift cards this year. Martin, my mom, and I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for 8 - in addition to my parents, my brother and my friend Amy are coming! It's nice not to have to travel.
Even in these circumstances, we are counting our blessings at this Thanksgiving because there are many. In some cases it's because of these circumstances that we have more blessings. We are thankful for our baby's life and the peace we have from God that her life is purposeful and that He will work all things for our good and His Glory. We are thankful for the comfort God has provided through His Word, our friends and family, and our children during this time. And we are thankful for the rich abundance of relationships and provisions that God given us.
We heard the baby's heartbeat again at the appointment on Tuesday. I've been feeling some movement higher up and was hopeful that she may have turned. They didn't do an ultrasound on Tuesday so we didn't find out if she did. The doctor said from what he could tell from examining me that she had not but he really couldn't say for sure. He said it was unlikely that she would. So we continued to discuss c-section. All the doctors in the practice discussed my case at their Tuesday morning meeting and the doctor that I saw yesterday conveyed to us that the consensus was that since we had gotten this far in the pregnancy, it would be best to minimize the stress on the baby from labor and do a c-section. We agree so assuming she is still breech when I go into labor, I'll be having a c-section. Apparently there is about a 20-30 minute window after the c-section where I wouldn't be able to hold her but she would be in the room and the doctor seemed to think that it would be more likely that I'd have more time with her if I have c-section which would be less stress on her than if I were not to have c-section even given that time window. Obviously there are no assurances and the only information we have to base decisions on is mushy so we need to be leaning on the wisdom, peace, and love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge and understanding.
We got a little bit of certainty in that the doctor asked us to schedule a c-section for 39 weeks (December 7th) in case I have not gone into labor at that time. So that tail of the uncertainty distribution has been cut short at least (my econ and math geek friends will understand how thinking about it in those terms is somewhat of a relief for me).
Martin and I both told our bosses this week and they were supportive. The hard part was asking questions to the HR reps who we don't know for answers to our questions about our very unique circumstances. We think that we will be able to make a claim for a life insurance policy through Martin's work to cover the funeral expenses. We were not able to add any coverage through my work. It's a really difficult time of year to be dealing with this sort of thing too (holidays with people out of the office, open seasons for benefits that confuse matters and have us making other benefit decisions at the same time, etc.).
We also met with the funeral home nearest our home on Tuesday. It was actually a huge relief to talk to them. Apparently the cost of an infant funeral is about a fourth of the cost of an adult funeral. The lady we were working with there also helped us call the cemetaries (something I was dreading doing). We are going to try to get as much planned ahead of time since it looks likely that I'll be in the hospital longer because of the c-section.
Thinking about what's going to happen in the next three weeks in pretty overwhelming. I plan on being in the office next week for 2-3 days and then working from home until the baby is delivered. Going to try to decorate the house for Christmas this Friday and get some pictures taken this weekend to try to make sure our Christmas celebration doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. Shopping and wrapping is probably not going to happen this year except for the kids but I'm guessing our families won't be offended by gift cards this year. Martin, my mom, and I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for 8 - in addition to my parents, my brother and my friend Amy are coming! It's nice not to have to travel.
Even in these circumstances, we are counting our blessings at this Thanksgiving because there are many. In some cases it's because of these circumstances that we have more blessings. We are thankful for our baby's life and the peace we have from God that her life is purposeful and that He will work all things for our good and His Glory. We are thankful for the comfort God has provided through His Word, our friends and family, and our children during this time. And we are thankful for the rich abundance of relationships and provisions that God given us.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Week 36 update
The doctor’s appointment this week was good, but a little hard. The baby’s heartbeat was 155 which was really good. The sonogram showed lots of fluid which was also good. But at the time the baby was breech. (Still no confirmation on boy or girl but we’re going with girl based on the last sonogram.) She’s small and there’s lots of room and fluid for her to move around so she could turn, but we have to be prepared to make a decision about a c-section. A c-section would help the baby's chances and would maybe allow us to see her longer but it's a c-section and I might not be able enjoy my time with her as much. I want to be able to hold her while I can. Given the size of the baby and how easily Lydia came out last time, the doctor said a vaginal breech birth should not be that difficult (he said he's done hundreds of vaginal breech births) but do we take the chance (doctor said it was about 5%) that the baby's arm or something would get stuck.
We saw the lead doctor (Dr. B) at our practice today. He's so nice and I felt very cared for by him. He changed my due date back to what I thought it should be (12/14) and told us he was going to discuss our situation with the rest of the staff so everyone would be ready. So I felt like he was really listening to me and my concern that the baby is coming soon more so than the other doctors (although I like the other ones too). Dr. B was also more (gently) frank with us about the baby’s condition whereas the other doctors may have avoided going into more details. He hugged us and really encouraged us in what we were doing. We discussed doing an amnio with him and he said he was willing to do it but he thought it was moot at this point. If for some reason it’s not a trisomy case, then there’s not anything that they or we could do differently. And the chances that it’s not trisomy are so small.
We've been blessed by the prayers of so many friends and family. I’ve really seen them working. I don’t even remember this but I guess I said I was tired in an email to some friends. I haven’t been noticeably tired since then. Also, we were able to decide on a girl’s name the same week we sent out the email.
We are still praying for the decisions we have to make and that we would wait upon the Lord during this time of uncertainty. I was encouraged by one of my dear friends today that God gives us the grace when we need it and so even though at times I fear the uncertainty of what’s to come, God will provide His comfort and His grace for the moments that I need them. I return to the doctor’s on Tuesday and we are also meeting with a funeral home that day. My parents and my brother are coming to town on Wednesday to spend Thanksgiving with us since I am obviously unable to travel at this point.
We saw the lead doctor (Dr. B) at our practice today. He's so nice and I felt very cared for by him. He changed my due date back to what I thought it should be (12/14) and told us he was going to discuss our situation with the rest of the staff so everyone would be ready. So I felt like he was really listening to me and my concern that the baby is coming soon more so than the other doctors (although I like the other ones too). Dr. B was also more (gently) frank with us about the baby’s condition whereas the other doctors may have avoided going into more details. He hugged us and really encouraged us in what we were doing. We discussed doing an amnio with him and he said he was willing to do it but he thought it was moot at this point. If for some reason it’s not a trisomy case, then there’s not anything that they or we could do differently. And the chances that it’s not trisomy are so small.
We've been blessed by the prayers of so many friends and family. I’ve really seen them working. I don’t even remember this but I guess I said I was tired in an email to some friends. I haven’t been noticeably tired since then. Also, we were able to decide on a girl’s name the same week we sent out the email.
We are still praying for the decisions we have to make and that we would wait upon the Lord during this time of uncertainty. I was encouraged by one of my dear friends today that God gives us the grace when we need it and so even though at times I fear the uncertainty of what’s to come, God will provide His comfort and His grace for the moments that I need them. I return to the doctor’s on Tuesday and we are also meeting with a funeral home that day. My parents and my brother are coming to town on Wednesday to spend Thanksgiving with us since I am obviously unable to travel at this point.
Friday, November 04, 2011
Sweet November
Today is the 6th anniversary of me starting my blog. And Sunday is Martin's and my 7th anniversary. While I haven't used this blog as much as I did at one point (blame or thank Facebook among other things), I am so thankful I have this record of my thoughts on career aspirations, my pregnancies, and my children's growth. The baby books may be sitting in my spare bedroom closet empty but at least I have my blog. Thank you all for reading and being involved in my life, especially during this time.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Dylan update
Dylan turned 5 on Sunday. Hard to believe. He has now decided to start calling us "Mom" and "Dad" instead of "Mommy" and "Daddy" proving that he is really a big kid now and in the process making us feel just a little old.
Let's see, big milestones over the past year - writing his name, loving every single day of preschool, moving up to a booster seat, riding a bike without training wheels, sleeping on the top of a bunk bed, hanging out with the neighborhood boys, going to children's church, singing in the choir, going to Vacation Bible School for the first time. It's been a good year. I feel like we've come out of a really hard stage we had with Dylan and he seems to be more compliant and eats better and is more helpful. That makes life a little easier but it's not a measure I necessarily want to use on my child's character or emotional development. Sort of like those stats we get from the doctor for his physical development - speaking of which - 36 lbs 6 oz in weight (25th percentile) and 40 and 3/4 inches in height (10th percentile). The doctor asked us (his parents) our heights and if either of us were late bloomers because according to our heights he should end up at about 5'10''. I'm pretty sure Martin was a late bloomer so we're expecting the same from Dylan. There are kids his age that are a whole head taller at this point but this still hasn't affected Dylan.
Things that have become clear to me about Dylan this year - he is the most extroverted person I know. If we leave him at the table to finish his breakfast while we get ourselves and Lydia dressed he yells from downstairs, "I'm scared to be alone!!" He's not scared scared but just can't stand the thought of being alone. This summer when preschool was out of session he wanted at least one playdate every day. He loves Bible Study and choir and preschool so much because he gets to be with his friends. We have very little privacy in our house (which we don't mind usually). How two, mostly introverted people ended up with Dylan is a mystery to us.
Another thing that I've noticed is that Dylan is all about schedules as I mentioned in the blog before. "What are we going to do today? What are we going to do tomorrow?" He is also very details-oriented too. The doctor even picked up on this at his appointment. The doctor asked him the name of his preschool teacher and he said Ms. Rose and the doctor said Miss Rose and he said no, Ms. Rose. He doesn't like me to refer to his booster seat as a car seat. "It's a booster seat Mom!" He's a fairly serious kid and pretty literal too.
Dylan has a great memory and really makes connections with what he learns, especially things he learns at church and Sunday school. Things we are still working on - counting, fine motor skills, doing all things without complaining, obeying immediately.
I'm looking forward to the next year for Dylan. He will start Kindergarten next year and we are actually going to an open house next week for a private Christian school we are considering. One of his preschool friends might be going there too. Whether we go that route or the public school within walking distance of our house, I'm confident that Dylan will do well. He seems to like the structure that school provides.
While Dylan is not a cuddler, he's still young enough to kiss and hug his mommy and I'm thankful for that. I'm getting all the hugs and kisses I can while he's still willing to provide them.
Let's see, big milestones over the past year - writing his name, loving every single day of preschool, moving up to a booster seat, riding a bike without training wheels, sleeping on the top of a bunk bed, hanging out with the neighborhood boys, going to children's church, singing in the choir, going to Vacation Bible School for the first time. It's been a good year. I feel like we've come out of a really hard stage we had with Dylan and he seems to be more compliant and eats better and is more helpful. That makes life a little easier but it's not a measure I necessarily want to use on my child's character or emotional development. Sort of like those stats we get from the doctor for his physical development - speaking of which - 36 lbs 6 oz in weight (25th percentile) and 40 and 3/4 inches in height (10th percentile). The doctor asked us (his parents) our heights and if either of us were late bloomers because according to our heights he should end up at about 5'10''. I'm pretty sure Martin was a late bloomer so we're expecting the same from Dylan. There are kids his age that are a whole head taller at this point but this still hasn't affected Dylan.
Things that have become clear to me about Dylan this year - he is the most extroverted person I know. If we leave him at the table to finish his breakfast while we get ourselves and Lydia dressed he yells from downstairs, "I'm scared to be alone!!" He's not scared scared but just can't stand the thought of being alone. This summer when preschool was out of session he wanted at least one playdate every day. He loves Bible Study and choir and preschool so much because he gets to be with his friends. We have very little privacy in our house (which we don't mind usually). How two, mostly introverted people ended up with Dylan is a mystery to us.
Another thing that I've noticed is that Dylan is all about schedules as I mentioned in the blog before. "What are we going to do today? What are we going to do tomorrow?" He is also very details-oriented too. The doctor even picked up on this at his appointment. The doctor asked him the name of his preschool teacher and he said Ms. Rose and the doctor said Miss Rose and he said no, Ms. Rose. He doesn't like me to refer to his booster seat as a car seat. "It's a booster seat Mom!" He's a fairly serious kid and pretty literal too.
Dylan has a great memory and really makes connections with what he learns, especially things he learns at church and Sunday school. Things we are still working on - counting, fine motor skills, doing all things without complaining, obeying immediately.
I'm looking forward to the next year for Dylan. He will start Kindergarten next year and we are actually going to an open house next week for a private Christian school we are considering. One of his preschool friends might be going there too. Whether we go that route or the public school within walking distance of our house, I'm confident that Dylan will do well. He seems to like the structure that school provides.
While Dylan is not a cuddler, he's still young enough to kiss and hug his mommy and I'm thankful for that. I'm getting all the hugs and kisses I can while he's still willing to provide them.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
More recent update(s)
I just posted another update from last month (see the post before last) with some more recent info. I have another sonogram on the 15th and will post a "real time" update after that. Thank you all for your support and prayers.
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