5 years

Besides being 5 years since Joshua's birth, this year was also special because his birthday fell on Thanksgiving just like the day of his birth.  My parents were in town and we went to church just like the day Joshua was born.  We went to the cemetery after church and then home to get Thanksgiving dinner ready.  Carrie and her family came over too.  I was again adamant about not traveling for Thanksgiving so that we could make Joshua's birthday part of the festivities.  We took balloons to the cemetery and released them after singing Happy Birthday.  And then we laid orange carnations on the grave.  But we forgot the camera.  I went back a few days later with Levi to put up the Christmas decoration on the grave and pick up the carnations.  Since for the last 2 years the fake flower arrangements that I bought disappeared before I could retrieve them (I probably just waiting too long to remove them), I went with a $6 small wreath from Micheal's (as shown above).  

Since it was 5 years, I decided to send an email to friends asking to help us remember Joshua through a donation to Pine Springs Camp.  I was pregnant with Joshua one summer I was there and I always think of Pine Springs as being one of those places that I can say I shared with all my children.  They are running a capital campaign for a new dining hall and will put up a plague if someone donates at least $1000.  Would be great to have a spot there to especially remember Joshua.  Friends of ours also sent us flowers again and my mom brought us 5 roses.

Being pregnant again has given me lots of opportunities to talk about Joshua since so many people ask what number child this is that I'm carrying.  I often answer that question more completely (by mentioning Joshua) than the how many kids do you have question.  I always try to be honest (even if my responses are a little cryptic - I have 3 kids "at home" and one on the way or something to that affect), but being pregnant again makes me more forthright.  I'm sure if we didn't have this baby girl, folks would just assume we had two and then an oops baby later.  But now they may wonder enough what they heck we were thinking that they may ask about the age gap and I'll get to talk more about Joshua.

Being pregnant and thinking about having an infant again also brings some of the fears again but not as much as with Levi, and even with him I was still okay.  I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to manage a baby along with all that we have going on already so I've been thinking a little about what if Joshua had lived.  It's hard to imagine him being 5 and I look at some 5 year olds in our church to think about what that would be like.  He would be starting Kindergarten next fall.  Crazy.

No real profound spiritual insights this year just plugging along in the reality of having one of our children in heaven already and how that continues to shape us now.  By next year, Levi may start to be able to understand about his brother some more and Lord willing we'll have another child on earth to share him with.  The rest of us have been talking some lately about wondering what Joshua is like and looking forward to getting to know him someday.  So that is where we are.            

20 week update

Second trimester so far has been good.  I've had some different pregnancy related health issues this time around (UTI that required 2 rounds of antibiotics, headaches related to my teeth clenching) and some old "favorites" like sciatic pain and hip pain but for the most part after the morning sickness abated, it's been relatively easy.  I started wearing maternity clothes around 14-15 weeks but with the time of year and the long shirt/sweater style that is now "in" I can get away with wearing a lot of non-maternity clothes the new outfit I bought above.  I also bought two other sweaters that aren't as long as this one but longer than the ones I have.  I bought another pair of maternity jeans and my mom bought me a maternity shirt.  I'm kinda dreading packing for our "tour de Christmas" (going to PA and FL in the same trip).  I will probably need to do some laundry before we leave my mom's to go to FL.

The 20-week sonogram was good although there were two minor issues that they need to keep an eye on (so I'm having another sonogram in 4 weeks).  One was that they saw Choroid Plexus Cysts on the baby's brain.  Sounds a hundred times worse than it is.  Most of the time these things resolve/go away and the only reason the doctor may care about these is because there is some correlation between these cysts and trisomy 18 and 13 but since we had the blood test that showed she is very low risk for those and because there weren't any other indications of that on the sonogram, they weren't concerned.  The other thing was that her stomach appeared bloated or enlarged.  It could be that she took a gulp of fluid right before the scan or it could mean that she has some sort of slow drainage issue with her stomach.  So they will look at it again in 4 weeks and we will go from there.  

I feel like this pregnancy is really long but that's probably because we don't have as much to learn/prepare for.  So far, we got a car seat that someone gave us and I have some promises of girl clothes (although I did go buy some stuff at Carter's - including a newborn Easter dress!).  I bought a car seat canopy and a new picture frame to match the other kids'.  Now I think we just need a stroller frame that I'm hoping to get on Craig's list or Vienna Virtual Yard Sale.

I have been able to go back to Jazzercise which has been good.  Hoping to continue that until the baby is born and then I will probably need to cancel my membership.  But I'm thinking I'll swim over the summer and then I'm thinking of doing this mommy boot camp class at the community center when Levi starts pre-school in the fall.  I can bring the baby with me and you only have to pay for a month or so at a time.

I was recently talking to a friend at church who grew up with 4 kids in his family.  I was lamenting about how now we won't all be able to fit in one hotel room or one sedan and he pointed out that when one of his siblings died the rest realized all the benefits of growing up with an even number of kids in the family i.e., two for one deals and even teams for board games.  Might be a few years before we see those benefits but I was glad to have some "pros" to add to my list instead of thinking about the "cons" which seem to take over now, especially when I don't have a cute baby to hold and love on yet.  What I have been thinking about mostly is all the "stuff" that not only another child brings into the house but the delay in getting rid of things I was ready to pass on (maternity clothes, girl clothes, toys, etc.)  I thought this "plan" of downsizing stuff was going to make my life happier.  I'm sure it would but I'm trying to tell myself that not only does God have better things in mind but really I need to declutter even more than just the stuff I was ready to get rid of.  That's a harder job and one that I'm not sure I have the time or energy to do and certainly won't after the baby gets here.  But I'm trying to wrap my head around what it would mean and to get over some of my ridiculous tendencies to not want to throw things away (but the landfills!) and instead find good homes/uses for them.  I have a ridiculous amount of cardboard boxes that I think I'm going to need and the kids have probably 100 coloring books with only a couple pages colored in each.  Those are the first things I want to deal with.