4 months

The four of us went to the cemetery on Saturday, four months after Joshua's birthday. We stopped and got some orange flowers first to put in the hanging pot, which was good because my make-shift hanging pot broke and the evergreen that I had in there was gone. I wasn't able to fix the hanging part of the pot so I just planted the flower that we brought and left the pot sitting there. I'll get something to hang the pot for next time. It was raining while we were there so we didn't stay long. The temporary marker was there (yea, finally). Lydia keeps asking if Joshua crawled down a hole into the ground and Dylan keeps saying that Joshua is in heaven and in the cemetery. He doesn't quite get that Joshua's essence or person is in heaven and it's only is lifeless body that's in the cemetery. Dylan said something like "is this Joshua's first rainy day?" I'm not worried about this type of thinking but it's just an interesting look into what they actually think at this point.

On Thursday I got together with a friend who lost a baby in her 7th month of pregnancy in January. It is always good to talk to her. Much of the same feelings. Definitely don't feel alone in this after talking to her. Along those same lines, someone came up to me at church on Sunday and asked me if I would be interested in attending a 12-week grief support group program. I'm hopeful that that will happen. The program was developed by the same couple that does the retreats for parents who have lost children. I think I'd still like to do the retreat but maybe we can do the support group first.

It was about this time last year that I got pregnant with Joshua. I found out on April 8th which is Easter this year. We are headed to FL from the 4th through the 9th to visit Martin's parents and brother.

We did our taxes last week. Turbo Tax even had a question on losing a child. We clicked yes and the next page that comes up says "sorry for your loss" and then tells you how to claim your child and put "died" where you would put his SS# had he lived. I had Martin finish our taxes and then undo claiming Joshua to see how much he saved us in taxes for his short little 30 minutes of life so we could then decide to do something special with that money. We are thinking about planting a tree, maybe in our yard or a public place where we could put a dedication plaque.

Grave marker design

Here is what we decide for Joshua's grave marker. The verse that is written out is Psalm 71:19-20 (NIV) in case you can't read it from the picture. The pine trees represent us (me, Martin, Dylan, and Lydia) pointing to our hope in heaven. The path represents our lives left to live and the butterfly and the cross represent the resurrected life that Joshua is living now and that we will join him in. I did some research on Christian symbols to come up with all of this. Interestingly, I also found that squirrels represent "a Christian’s busy forethought of eternity or heavenly meditation" which would have been appropriate but a little weird to put four squirrels on there.

It's going to take 4-6 weeks until the stone is placed so hopefully by our April visit it will be there. Going to the cemetary this Saturday and hopefully the temporary marker will be there.

Talking about Normal and Not-so-normal Baby Stuff

I want to talk about Joshua and from what I read on the blogs of other moms who have lost children they want to talk about their children too. So I think it may be safe to generalize a little here and say to those who are around those of us who have lost a dear one lately - don't be afraid to talk to us about them!

The frustrating thing for me (and for people who are trying to talk to me about Joshua) is that I don't know what to say or talk about. I have so many people ask me how I am doing and I say "I'm hanging in there." Since I haven't given them much, they will then usually ask how I am doing physically (which I'm starting to be annoyed by because 1) I don't think they'd be asking a mother of a 3 month old how she was doing physically even if she had a c-section and 2) the emotional pain is so much more than the physical pain that I find it so silly to talk about the physical stuff - but I know people are just trying to find some way to allow me to talk so I can't be upset) or they ask how the kids are doing. I'm longing for someone to ask me how we came up with Joshua's name or if we knew he was going to be a boy. Normal baby stuff.

I want to try to do as much as I can "for Joshua" as I did for Dylan and Lydia. So things like baby books and birth stories and pictures. They help solidify the reality that I do have a third child as just talking about Joshua does.

So I'm going to write some normal baby posts coming up to include Joshua's birth story and where his name comes from, etc. And then there will be the not-so-normal posts about his grave marker, etc. I tend to talk about those not-so-normal things in a matter-of-fact normal way too, much to the shock of some a co-worker and a friend (both men) who had these looks of fear on their faces when I brought up things like the grave marker and the hanging basket for the grave site. Maybe they were afraid they were going to have to say something to comfort me or that I would start crying (at work! oh no! there's no crying at work!). I think these few experiences have held me back a little from just going up to people and start talking about Joshua and how we came up with his name, etc. They shouldn't but it's so hard to gauge how much a person is willing to listen when he/she ask "how are you?"