We went to Joshua's grave site today on our way to our church retreat. I think this might have been the first time we didn't take any pictures. We were all there this time and we sang and prayed.
I'm still seeing my counselor but I only may go one more time to debrief after the retreat that Martin and I are going on next weekend. It's for couples who have lost children. The organizers lost two children. In addition to leading these retreats, they are also connected with Griefshare, the support group at my church. I finished up Griefshare earlier this month.
I told my counselor that I was going to Joshua's grave on the 24th of every month and she said that at some point she hopes that I'm healed enough that I won't have to do that. Not sure how I feel about that. Is that really what healing is? I think I go as a way to honor Joshua's life because it's something I can do. Is that bad, does that mean that I'm not healed? If that's what that means, do I want to be healed? I told her I had only planned on doing that for the first year and she said she thought that was appropriate. Yet, even then I'm still going to have this desire to honor Joshua's life in a tangible way on a regular basis. I feel like I need some sort of prompting like an anniversary to make sure I make it happen because life has a tendency to get away from me pretty quickly. Anything that's not intention is not usually completed aside from checking Facebook. But on the other hand am I going to the cemetery to prove my love for Joshua or to visibly honor his life in front of others, namely my other children. Like most things in life, motive is everything. Am I going because I *need* to go or need to prove something? What exactly are good reasons for going? These are just some things going around in my head these days.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Highlights of our vacation to VT and the Adirondacks
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