10 months

I didn't go to the cemetery today.  Not because of what my counselor said.  This was actually the first time the 24th has fallen on a day of the week that I go into the office.  I could have gone after work but I didn't feel like I needed to.  Plus, we made an unexpected stop at the cemetery on the 15th so I at least went once this month.  We were hiking along the Potomac and the kids were tired so we decided to cut our time a little short.  But I had also wanted to visit a co-worker of mine who just had surgery.  She lives out in Loudon Co. and since we were "out west" already I figured we'd go straight from hiking.  The GPS took I straight down the Fairfax Co. Parkway which comes within a half mile of the cemetery at one point.  So we stopped.  Dylan and Lydia had fallen asleep in the car so we just left them sleep and Martin and I got out of the van and went to the grave.  When we got back in the van, we looked back at Dylan.  He was sleeping with his mouth open.  He looked like Joshua did.  It was such a sweet moment.  Like heaven reaching down so we could connect in a small way with Joshua.  What a blessing.

Last Friday we had family movie night and watched We Bought A Zoo.  In the movie, the mother has died and the dad struggles with his own grief and trying to be a good father.  At a number of points in the movie you see the mom, kinda in the dad's memory shown on screen.  After the movie was over, Dylan and Lydia were asking if she was really dead.  We said yes but that the dad was remembering her in his mind and pretending that she was there that's what we were seeing on the screen.  Dylan then held his arms up like he was rocking a baby and said that he was thinking about Joshua and pretending that he was holding him.  It was so sweet.  I cried then and then later that night after the kids went to bed.  I know that in a sense this whole experience is good for the kids in that he helps them express emotion and learn about things they normally wouldn't but at the same time I'm sad for them and all they have gone through and will continue to go through in their lives.  They don't seem upset or in pain so I shouldn't be concerned but I still feel for them.    
 
I'm still seeing my counselor.  I was going to call it quits after our last session on the 14th but I felt like I don't have any time to sit and process so it would be good for me to continue just to make sure I process and check in.  Life has gotten so busy especially with the kids starting school.  And I have a project that I'm working on for work that has been taking up a lot of time.  In my life even grieving and processing need to be intentionally planned.   

Which is why it was so good for us to go on that retreat for couples who have lost children earlier this month.  It was a sad but good time.  It was comforting to be with people who you know understand.  The stories were heartbreaking though.  Half of the weekend is just listening to the parents tell their stories.  It was also a good time for Martin and I to connect and think about how we are dealing with things as a couple.  We met some great folks from all over the country.  They encouraged us by giving us compliments from a strangers' point of view (like one person said I had an engaging smile and another admired our reliance on Scripture).  They also renewed my hope in the Kingdom - God is doing great things in all our lives in the mist of our pain.  And I know it's the same God working in all our lives because they come to the same conclusions or viewpoint that we do.  While the weekend was emotionally exhausting and we missed Dylan and Lydia, Martin and I felt like we could have spent even more time with this folks.  I've been able to connect on facebook with some of them and hope to keep in touch.   

First day of school pictures

Dylan Kindergarten Lorien Wood 9/5/12

Lydia Preschool Vienna Baptist Children's Center 9/13/12