I was playing dolls with Lydia this morning and just letting her totally direct the play. She got two really cute baby dolls for Christmas that she has hardly played with since she usually just does what Dylan wants to do. She handed me one baby and told me to feed her and then she fed the other baby. I of course start weeping because I had had these dreams/desires of having a real baby and Lydia imitating me caring for our baby through play with her dolls. This was one of the few dreams I had had for Joshua and our family since we knew he wasn't going to make it for most of my pregnancy and I was so focused on me and my career for the beginning part of the pregnancy.
The weird thing is that I treasure these moments, sad as they are. This goes back to what it means to work through grief and heal. I don't want to get to the point when I'm not remembering and thinking about Joshua and not crying. Healing is not forgetting. I hope I have these moments my whole life. Even though they are sad, they are precious and even joyful. Yes, I know I just said something can be sad and joyful at the same time. I believe it can because of the hope and peace I still have in sad moments because of the hope I have in God. Hope in His comfort and salvation. The sadness is only temporary because there will be no sadness in eternity.
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