11 months

I won't be going to the cemetery again today.  Again, just because today was an all day work day and we have Bible Study tonight.  I would like to go on Sunday but if not I'll try to go next weekend. 

I didn't have much to talk with my counselor about last time so I told her I would call her if I needed to see her again but for now I wouldn't schedule anymore appointments.  We'll see how things go with Joshua's birthday and the holidays.  I still feel a heart palpitation here and there but nothing to concern me.  I went to the dentist last week and was reminded that I was having neck and jaw strain 6 months ago too which has now subsided. 

Life is real busy now.  School and activities keep our attention focused on other things rather than our loss.  The kids still talk about Joshua but nothing heart wrenching this month.  The initial "telling our story" that I had to do with some of the new people I've met through the kids' schools seems to be over although this month I did recount our story to a few people who didn't know including some long-time friends who I hadn't seen in 4 year and who didn't get our Christmas card last year.  Sometimes it feels easier.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say.  I feel like I'm dropping a bomb on someone who most of the time has no idea how to respond.  Then I worry about what they think of me that I'm not crying or maybe they think I have a weird smirk because I'm trying to show them I'm okay by smiling but not really.  Not sure I'll ever get this down.  But I do desire that Joshua's story will glorify God so I feel like I should get down what I want to communicate when I talk about Joshua.  


I've actually had some time since work has slowed down to prepare some of the blog entries that I've wanted to write since last year and design these pictures of the kids when they were newborns with their bible verses on them.  All three of them.  I kinda stumbled onto this in the mist of my busyness.  I had some random pictures on Kodak's website which got transferred to Shutterfly this summer (I think Shutterfly bought them out or something).  I got an email from Shutterfly this week and I thought I should try to make sure my pics were there.  After doing that and looking around their website a little, I found that I can do what I wanted to make on their website (I couldn't on Snapfish which is what I usually use).  And they have 20 percent off right now.  And the pictures will be on canvas.  So guess what I stayed up to 11pm doing one night?

I'll post the blog entries as part of Joshua's birthday celebration next month.  Right now I'm thinking that we'll invite some folks to come to the cemetery with us that day and have the kids make something for Joshua.  One suggestion we got from the retreat we went to in September was that we make sure and plan to do something that day and not just let it pass by.  Also, we were told the dread of the day approaching is much worse than the actual day.  I'm not sure I'm dreading that day but just dreading people forgetting or not recognizing our loss after that day.  Like, it's been a year, get over it.  Not that anyone would say that but it's just not going to be something that's on a lot of people's minds.  Joshua will always be on the hearts of our closest friends and family who support us and I guess that's all that matters and all I really expect but as has been the case throughout my whole journey of grief I always seem to be afraid of forgetting.
 
A number of folks though have already been recognizing that we're coming up on one year and I've been thankful for them.  And for our friends who lost their daughter at 28-weeks a few weeks after Joshua was born.  We had lunch with them on Sunday and swapped stories of how we and our other children are continuing to cope.      

One year is a milestone in the journey not the destination, which we won't see until eternity.