How we are doing

If you were going to call to ask me this - please still call! But I will answer the question here too.

Physically, I'm amazed and how quickly I've recovered and how much the recovery has progressed each day. A day after delivering when the nurses told me I had to get up and go to the bathroom by myself I thought they were nuts. I did it but it was hard. The next morning, another nurse told me she was going to try to get me up to take a shower that day. She certainly was nuts. Well, no. I took a shower that day mostly by myself. I couldn't believe what a difference a few hours made. The next day I was walking around and going home. I was still taking pain meds around the clock including some of the strong stuff. On Monday the 28th, I stopped taking the strong pain medication (due to the side effect of constipation which would have put me back in the ER if it weren't for my nurse mother being there) and was just taking Advil. A week later I was down to about 2 doses a day and by the two week mark I was totally off the medication. The numbness and brusing are starting to go away above my incision but now I'm starting to feel soreness in my ab muscles. My bleeding stopped a week after delivery but came back slightly 5 days later but then went away again about a week later. I didn't have real lactation issues either. I felt "let down" (how appropriately named in my case), especially hugging lots of people at the funeral, but never pain. (Need to find something to do with that cabbage that I bought now. :) )

Emotionally, I think I'm doing okay. I could definitely tell there was something hormonal/chemical going on with me that first week but I haven't felt that since. The crying that comes doesn't seem to take me by surprise so much. It's when I'm talking to a friend or sitting quietly and thinking or praying. I still feel like I know nothing about how to grieve though. Someone sent me a link to blog of a gal who lost her 7 week old this summer. While her range of emotions seem to be wider than mine (mostly due to her different circumstances), I related to so much of what she said. So I found that helpful and it gave me a little check on my own feelings. I know I need to talk to people in person too so I'll do that.

The kids seem to be doing fine. They talk about Joshua in a mostly matter-of-fact way. They see me cry and ask if I'm sad. I tell them I just miss Joshua. Often times I cry and laugh together and they seem a little confused by that (to preschoolers, you're either happy or you're sad, you can't be both). But maybe it's good for them to see/learn that joy and sorrow can co-exist.

Martin went back to work on Monday. So we're somewhat getting back our routine except I won't be going back to work for another month or so. I'm back in "planning mode" for some things - signing the kids up for classes at the community center in January, planning Lydia's birthday, and thinking about school for next year (decisions need to be made in January). But thankfully since I'm not going into work but the kids are still going to daycare 3 days a week I still have time to reflect and think about the holidays.

Today was my due date. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since Joshua's birthday. We got his birth certificate in the mail yesterday. We've had the death certificate for 2 weeks. The birth certificate has the word "deceased" under "certificate of live birth" in accordance with VA state law "to prevent the fradulent use of birth certificates of deceased persons." I guess that makes sense but bleh.