Grave marker design

Here is what we decide for Joshua's grave marker. The verse that is written out is Psalm 71:19-20 (NIV) in case you can't read it from the picture. The pine trees represent us (me, Martin, Dylan, and Lydia) pointing to our hope in heaven. The path represents our lives left to live and the butterfly and the cross represent the resurrected life that Joshua is living now and that we will join him in. I did some research on Christian symbols to come up with all of this. Interestingly, I also found that squirrels represent "a Christian’s busy forethought of eternity or heavenly meditation" which would have been appropriate but a little weird to put four squirrels on there.

It's going to take 4-6 weeks until the stone is placed so hopefully by our April visit it will be there. Going to the cemetary this Saturday and hopefully the temporary marker will be there.

Talking about Normal and Not-so-normal Baby Stuff

I want to talk about Joshua and from what I read on the blogs of other moms who have lost children they want to talk about their children too. So I think it may be safe to generalize a little here and say to those who are around those of us who have lost a dear one lately - don't be afraid to talk to us about them!

The frustrating thing for me (and for people who are trying to talk to me about Joshua) is that I don't know what to say or talk about. I have so many people ask me how I am doing and I say "I'm hanging in there." Since I haven't given them much, they will then usually ask how I am doing physically (which I'm starting to be annoyed by because 1) I don't think they'd be asking a mother of a 3 month old how she was doing physically even if she had a c-section and 2) the emotional pain is so much more than the physical pain that I find it so silly to talk about the physical stuff - but I know people are just trying to find some way to allow me to talk so I can't be upset) or they ask how the kids are doing. I'm longing for someone to ask me how we came up with Joshua's name or if we knew he was going to be a boy. Normal baby stuff.

I want to try to do as much as I can "for Joshua" as I did for Dylan and Lydia. So things like baby books and birth stories and pictures. They help solidify the reality that I do have a third child as just talking about Joshua does.

So I'm going to write some normal baby posts coming up to include Joshua's birth story and where his name comes from, etc. And then there will be the not-so-normal posts about his grave marker, etc. I tend to talk about those not-so-normal things in a matter-of-fact normal way too, much to the shock of some a co-worker and a friend (both men) who had these looks of fear on their faces when I brought up things like the grave marker and the hanging basket for the grave site. Maybe they were afraid they were going to have to say something to comfort me or that I would start crying (at work! oh no! there's no crying at work!). I think these few experiences have held me back a little from just going up to people and start talking about Joshua and how we came up with his name, etc. They shouldn't but it's so hard to gauge how much a person is willing to listen when he/she ask "how are you?"

Moments

I was playing dolls with Lydia this morning and just letting her totally direct the play. She got two really cute baby dolls for Christmas that she has hardly played with since she usually just does what Dylan wants to do. She handed me one baby and told me to feed her and then she fed the other baby. I of course start weeping because I had had these dreams/desires of having a real baby and Lydia imitating me caring for our baby through play with her dolls. This was one of the few dreams I had had for Joshua and our family since we knew he wasn't going to make it for most of my pregnancy and I was so focused on me and my career for the beginning part of the pregnancy.

The weird thing is that I treasure these moments, sad as they are. This goes back to what it means to work through grief and heal. I don't want to get to the point when I'm not remembering and thinking about Joshua and not crying. Healing is not forgetting. I hope I have these moments my whole life. Even though they are sad, they are precious and even joyful. Yes, I know I just said something can be sad and joyful at the same time. I believe it can because of the hope and peace I still have in sad moments because of the hope I have in God. Hope in His comfort and salvation. The sadness is only temporary because there will be no sadness in eternity.

Retreat

I had a good time on the retreat. I really enjoyed talking with the friends I drove their with and roomed with. However, it wasn't so much a time of refreshment and renewal as it was evaluating and stirring. You know when you go go go and then you slow down just enough to see that something's not quite right but you're not exactly sure what that is. I'm using my blog here to help me think through what that might be but I could have probably used another 2 days away. On Saturday night I just felt like crying (but that may have been for monthly reasons) but I couldn't really even pinpoint what I was feeling. As far as what I gleened from the retreat, I know I need to be in God's word more and I need to be a better wife to my husband. Again, these are just the vague notions that I see surfacing but much more thinking needs to be done.

Three months

I did go to the cemetary this morning. I ended up taking Lydia with me. We sang Kum Ba Yah and put some fake flowers in the ground and a hanging planter (which I had to make since I couldn't find one in the store this time of year) on a post. The temporary marker still was not there which made me sad but we'll get that taken care of and now that we have some flowers there it won't look like we are neglecting our child....I mean of course his grave but in a way it felt like we were neglecting him.

We are almost ready to order the permanent marker. Going to look at one more draft and then decide. Because we are having a Bible verse engraved on the stone (and not just the reference) the costs are more than we were expecting but as a friend pointed out to me, this is one way you can spend money on Joshua since we obviously didn't and won't have many things to buy "for him" as we do our other children.

Since I've been so busy lately I'm looking forward to the women's retreat this weekend to have some time to grieve and process. I think about Joshua every day and recount his birth and life on most days. But I don't really feel like I'm doing anything intention to heal. I don't want to get the point when I don't think about Joshua and his birth on a daily basis. So I guess what I want is to "heal" from is just the bad feelings I have associated with his existence/birth - like the fact that I can only fit into a small percentage of my pants and skirts and I don't want to be seen in maternity clothes and so I got really upset when the only pair of jeans I have that fit ripped. Losing weight would alleviate this problem but would it really fix it? It's sort of like that things that didn't have so much of an emotional component to them now are big emotional deals when you are grieving. I've also seen this with my feelings about not wasting things. It used to just annoy me when I or someone else in my house wasted something but now it's a big emotional deal. Somehow maybe I'm tying the thing to Joshua and since I don't want his existence to be wasted I don't want other things to be wasted. If Joshua's life has a purpose then so does everything else. So maybe part of healing is untying my loss of Joshua from these other things in life.

Building Museum

I always find February a hard month to find things to do with the kids so I was super excited to find out the National Building Museum downtown was having a Family Day to celebrate National Engineers Week. (And so were a lot of other parents since it was really crowded.) We were there for over an hour and only got around to about 4-5 of the really cool booths they set up. We could have been there all day. Dylan and Lydia made catapults, truss bridges, and Lego towers, and got to meet The Cat in The Hat and Curious George.

This was sort of a Valentines Day trip since Tuesday was kind of a bust. I got sick (something I ate I think) so we didn't go to Cold Stone like we were planning. Martin also didn't get to build me a fire in the fireplace since I just went to bed early so we did that tonight too.

Second Lost Tooth! and Wanting to Drive?

First Tooth Lost and Spunky Girl

Memorial "markers"

We had an appointment yesterday at the cemetary yesterday to pick out a grave marker. It was the two month anniversary of Joshua's birth. We were there on Christmas Eve too which was the one-month anniversary of his birth so I think I may have inadvertently started a trend. I'm taking off on Feb 24th because I'm leaving that day for the women's retreat so I may just go to the cemetary that day too.

The cemetary removed all the flowers (including a wreath that I wished they hadn't) and the funeral home forgot to put the temporary marker up so there was nothing marking the grave except for some straw where they were trying to grow some grass and a small pine tree branch that they put down (which was nice). We called the funeral home to get the temporary marker put up because I think it's going to be a few months before the permanent marker will be done. I resolved to get a wreath or a hanging basket for the next time we go.

The marker is going to have Joshua's name and birth and death dates and a cross and a path and a bible verse (Psalms 71:19-20). We want to other symbols too for resurrection and something to show that we are waiting for heaven. The guy at the cemetary is going to draft something for us to take a look at.

I find myself not saying "Joshua would have been 2 months old yesterday" because we knew he's wasn't going to make it that long from fairly early on. I imagine this is a good thing because I think I read somewhere it's not healthy to think about what life would be like if the person you are grieving over was still there. But sometimes I can't help thinking like that especially when I think about my job and where that's going and when I see pregnant women in the neighborhood and think, oh, Joshua would have had a friend to play with. Thoughts like this can feed bitterness so I don't want to do that but at the same time, because Joshua's life was so short and the memories so few there isn't much to think about when I think of him and I want to think about him so that's a outlet for some thoughts.

I put a picture of Joshua up on my desk at work. It's sad that I will never be able to replace that with an updated picture like I will for Dylan and Lydia. I wonder if I'll still be hanging Joshua's baby picture along side Dylan's and Lydia's high school graduation pictures for instance. It makes me sad to think about not doing that. I'm not sure if these "future" thoughts are any healthier but I think they might be because they show an element of excepting reality. Right now I have a fear of forgetting. Some people say you'll never forget but there will be somethings I will forget (details of Joshua's birth, what it was like when I was pregnant with him). Of course I'll not forget that I had him but I want more than that. Years from now the memories will see so distance. I see before me a lifetime of trying to memorialize our son's brief life. It's one of those labors that is sad but it would be even more sad if we didn't do it. Even if we just think about the anniversaries of his birth and death, it honors Joshua's life. Just like all of those who have passed on before us. For instance, today is the 18th anniversary of my grandfather's death - I've now lived more of my life without my grandfather than I did with him. This is in a sense a marker in my life. It is good to create memorials and markers.

Lydia Update

Lydia had her *3-year* check up today. She weighs 31 lbs (50th percentile) and is 35 inches tall (10th percentile). She gained 5 lbs and grew 2 inches from last year so the doctor said that's all good. He said she's developing just fine and was impressed with her comprehension and amazed at her fine motor skills. I told him she could write her name and he had her show him. She did it. The doctor asked where the art ability (i.e., good motor skills) is in the family. I guess she inherited it from Uncle Justin.

Lydia is very articulate. There are still a few little cute quirks in her speech though - she pronounces l like y and she calls Lightening McQueen "Yightening DaQueen." At some point during this year she dropped the "no me" and now says "I don't." She gets a lot of what she says, good and bad, from Dylan.

Lydia has learned her letters and knows most of the letter sounds so she and Dylan can pretty much work at the same level when we try to help the kids with pre-reading skills at home. She can write most of the letters too. Lydia can count to about 15 and she plays Uno with the rest of us. She likes to sit at the table and paint or play with playdough or draw. But otherwise her play is all about her big brother. They pretend they are animals and talk about dinosaurs and play cars together. It's sweet for about 10 minutes and then they start the "she hit me/he punched me" stuff. Someone asked me recently about having two kids and was it hard when the younger one started to want to play with the older one's toys. I guess that was an issue for us but it was much worse when the younger one was able to argue with the older one. The fights are much harder to settle at that point. "The sky is blue." "No it's not, it's pink." Okay you're both right!

Lydia is the type of gal who can enjoy herself wherever she goes. She makes a trip to the grocery store fun by picking out apples and making a kite out of the register tape. I feel like Dylan was already into the complaining stage by the time he was this age so I'm appreciating Lydia's easy-going nature at this time. I think Dylan's thing was that he wanted to be around other people, not just Mom. Lydia seems content just hanging out with her family. By the time we sent Dylan to preschool I was saying he soo needs to be in school but with Lydia I think she's going to go to preschool to get used to school and so I'll be able to do my telework hours while they are both in school. We are going to sign her up for two days a week like Dylan did the first year.

Lydia still naps like a champ - 3 hours a day. She would go longer if we let her and she often seems like she could fall asleep for a morning nap too. Since the kids are in one room now it has been harder to get her to fall asleep at night (and sometimes for naps too even when Dylan isn't there). Not sure what's going to happen to the nap when she starts preschool because after preschool we'll have to pick Dylan up from Kindergarten and there won't be time to sleep.

Lydia has been riding a tricycle since last summer. She did pretty well in the pool too. Hoping to do another swim class before the pool opens.

Lydia eats pretty well. She does well with the veggies but doesn't eat much meat. She loves eggs though so we get her her protein that way.

Lydia still gives the best hugs and is still my cuddle buddy. She often just wants me to hold her. I love it and sometimes just want to kiss her cheeks all day.

Back at Work

Turns out I did have to start work to get my class paid for but I'm okay with it. I was able to work from home for three days and then take two more days off and then there was the federal holiday and my normal work from home day yesterday. So today is my first day in the office which is what I had planned on anyway. This was also good because I'm not using up more sick days that I don't have. It will be 7 months before I'm out of the hole assuming I don't take any more sick days during that time.


My two days off last week were supposed to be vacation days and Martin and I were scheduled to go to the cemetery to pick out Joshua's grave marker. But then I got a corneal abrasion and ended up taking sick leave and cancelling the appointment. We rescheduled for next week. My eye is better now but I couldn't see for 2 days.


Coming back into the office was a little hard because the last time I was there I had Joshua with me and he was still alive. I had to change my calendar. Not just flip it but get a whole new one that doesn't have Joshua's birthday and year on it. I also forgot to ask anyone to water my plant so I came in to find brown leaves. I think I can nurse it back though. I also had to fax to HR Joshua's birth certificate which you'll remember has the word "deceased" on it so hopefully no one will ask too many questions. My co-workers were fine though. No one said anything bad and there were only a few awkward moments. Mostly when folks are trying to end the conversation on a positive note. "Well, hopefully now..." Yeah, it's hard to finish that sentence.


I've been doing okay otherwise. I think. I guess I've been feeling kinda numb lately. Not sad. Not really happy. I don't think too much about Joshua and is that because I'm moving on with life or because I'm avoiding grief? It doesn't feel like I'm avoiding anything but I still feel guilty for not sitting around and crying more.


Maybe I am crying more than I think I am. There were two deaths in our church last week. One was a baby (7 months gestation) of friends of ours. I'm thankful I was able to talk to the mom and help her out. Didn't think I'd be helping someone else so soon. But talking to her helps me too and I was able to cry with her. The other person who died was an elder in our church who wasn't much older than our parents. He and his wife were at Joshua's funeral. Martin and I went to the viewing last night and we are going to the funeral tonight. I was fine at the funeral home but got upset after I got home. I feel like that's a common thing - I go through things thinking it won't be a big deal but then it hits me. Like coming back to work.


And like going to my 6 week checkup with my OB. That was on the 6th. I went by myself but later wished I hadn't. I was fine until I pulled into the parking lot. Then the tears came. And I cried with the nurse. And the doctor who delivered Joshua. She said that I'm healing fine. Only restriction is no weight lifting for 3 more months. She also said they recommend not delivering another baby for 2 years after the c-section to allow for healing. That's longer than I was thinking. I'm still thinking about future plans but trying to just be okay with "wait and see" and not have a game plan. I really need to just trust God.


As for my other ranting from a few weeks ago - my health insurance company did pay both of the claims I was disputing so that's good. I still have one more bill that I'm hoping the hospital review and not require me to pay. We were able to submit the claim for life insurance with Martin's work but haven't gotten the payment yet.


So we are doing okay, enjoying time with Dylan and Lydia and getting used to the new normal. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Tiny Dancer

Lydia started dance class today. It's a 13-week Mommy and Me class where they learn a little ballet, pretend to be animals, dress up in costumes, and have a lot of fun. I knew we had stepped into "girly" world when we sat down in the class and the first thing the teacher did was give all 6 little girls scented body glitter to wear on their arms and neck while dancing. Lydia has been looking at her reflection in the window in our house and watching herself dance. She really liked the mirrors in dance class. Not sure if this is something we'll continue but at least she seems to really like it now.

Happy Birthday Lydia!

Lydia's birthday was on a Monday but since it was a federal holiday this year we decided to have her party on her birthday. Lydia wanted a "doggie" party so we had many dog decorations; ate hot dogs, puppy chow, and puppy treats; and played hot dog (hot potato), cat cat dog (duck duck goose), and "who let the dogs out?" Lydia will go for her three-year well child check up on the 19th so I'll post an update on Lydia after that.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Our Christmas cards are in the mail - here's what you'll see when they get there. The kids and I will be wearing these same outfits this afternoon at our family service at MPC at 4:30pm.

Trying not to play that card

You know, the my-baby-just-died one. But I've been dealing with some not very helpful people this week from insurance companies and HR. Claims were denied that should not have been, forms we need to fill out aren't there, and I can't get approved for training that I wanted to take because I'm on "extended sick leave" for the first week of a 16 week course. I'm hoping that I don't have to chose between going back to work later or having my work pay for the class.

I've been brewing over this all day. Actually, all week since I found out about the unexpected second denied claim. Here it is 2 days before Christmas and I'm making phone calls and expecting people to deal with me and I'm not in the Christmas spirit. Sure, I can blame grief and excuse myself but maybe it's just that when we're grieving or going through something difficult the things that annoy or upset us now become bigger. Maybe my feelings which haven't manifested themselves in lots of crying come out in different ways - getting frustrated over things I think should be going right, especially now. And maybe these are my idols, things I put too much importance on. Why is it that I can deal with a big thing going wrong but the little things get to me? I'm sad about Joshua dying but what really makes me angry and upset is incompetence, inflexibility, and attitudes of other people.

I know it's good to think through all these things and it shows I'm learning and growing through the experience but still, I need to snap out of this - it's Christmas!

"New" Normal

I was chatting with someone at church who asked me how I was doing and I said that my parents had left the Friday after the funeral and she said oh so now you're trying to figure out what the "new normal" is. This was a perfectly fine thing to say but it did get me thinking. Is my "new" normal that different than the old. For someone who loses someone (like a husband) who was such a presence in that person's life, the new normal is very different. But sadly Joshua never lived with us outside the womb. In a lot of ways, especially compared to a situation where we would have been bringing him home and would have had a newborn to care for, our new normal is very much like the old (except that I'm off of work for a few weeks).


Thinking about this makes me a little sad because it reminds me how little time we had with Joshua and because in some ways I wish my life was changed more by him. We have the memories of the pregnancy and the time in the hospital and some tangible things to help us remember Joshua and I can't imagine a day going by without thinking about him, but on the outside we look a lot like we did last year at this time - we're back to a family of 4 here on earth. But on the inside, the new normal is new. Grieving and loss are very new. My day to day life may be the same as before in a lot of ways but the ways I've seen God work and love that people have shown us has changed my relationships and my outlook. I also feel like I have a new identity of a mom who has lost a child.


There has been some outward "newness" too. I was thrilled at the grocery store the other day to be able to talk about my 3 kids without the cashier asking enough questions to learn that one of my children is deceased. (I said something about how all my kids were born within a day of a holiday - Halloween, New Years, and Thanksgiving.) It was great to be able to talk about my "new" situation (having 3 kids) without going into the whole story. Part of the new normal that is different will be figuring out how to answer the "how many kids do you have?" question. Being someone who likes to give precise answers and who, like most moms, doesn't want to ever gloss over the existence of my child in heaven, I don't think it will be easy to just say 2. I'm sure the answer will depend on the person, the situation, and my mood at the time.

How we are doing

If you were going to call to ask me this - please still call! But I will answer the question here too.

Physically, I'm amazed and how quickly I've recovered and how much the recovery has progressed each day. A day after delivering when the nurses told me I had to get up and go to the bathroom by myself I thought they were nuts. I did it but it was hard. The next morning, another nurse told me she was going to try to get me up to take a shower that day. She certainly was nuts. Well, no. I took a shower that day mostly by myself. I couldn't believe what a difference a few hours made. The next day I was walking around and going home. I was still taking pain meds around the clock including some of the strong stuff. On Monday the 28th, I stopped taking the strong pain medication (due to the side effect of constipation which would have put me back in the ER if it weren't for my nurse mother being there) and was just taking Advil. A week later I was down to about 2 doses a day and by the two week mark I was totally off the medication. The numbness and brusing are starting to go away above my incision but now I'm starting to feel soreness in my ab muscles. My bleeding stopped a week after delivery but came back slightly 5 days later but then went away again about a week later. I didn't have real lactation issues either. I felt "let down" (how appropriately named in my case), especially hugging lots of people at the funeral, but never pain. (Need to find something to do with that cabbage that I bought now. :) )

Emotionally, I think I'm doing okay. I could definitely tell there was something hormonal/chemical going on with me that first week but I haven't felt that since. The crying that comes doesn't seem to take me by surprise so much. It's when I'm talking to a friend or sitting quietly and thinking or praying. I still feel like I know nothing about how to grieve though. Someone sent me a link to blog of a gal who lost her 7 week old this summer. While her range of emotions seem to be wider than mine (mostly due to her different circumstances), I related to so much of what she said. So I found that helpful and it gave me a little check on my own feelings. I know I need to talk to people in person too so I'll do that.

The kids seem to be doing fine. They talk about Joshua in a mostly matter-of-fact way. They see me cry and ask if I'm sad. I tell them I just miss Joshua. Often times I cry and laugh together and they seem a little confused by that (to preschoolers, you're either happy or you're sad, you can't be both). But maybe it's good for them to see/learn that joy and sorrow can co-exist.

Martin went back to work on Monday. So we're somewhat getting back our routine except I won't be going back to work for another month or so. I'm back in "planning mode" for some things - signing the kids up for classes at the community center in January, planning Lydia's birthday, and thinking about school for next year (decisions need to be made in January). But thankfully since I'm not going into work but the kids are still going to daycare 3 days a week I still have time to reflect and think about the holidays.

Today was my due date. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since Joshua's birthday. We got his birth certificate in the mail yesterday. We've had the death certificate for 2 weeks. The birth certificate has the word "deceased" under "certificate of live birth" in accordance with VA state law "to prevent the fradulent use of birth certificates of deceased persons." I guess that makes sense but bleh.

Joshua's Burial

Today we had a small burial service for Joshua. Our pastor Butch gave us even more words of comfort from I Thessolonians 4:13-18 and from the Westminster Confession of Faith. We will see Joshua again in heaven God exhorts us in His Word to comfort each other with that fact. The Bible gives specific instructions to us on grieving - comfort each other and do it with the hope of our salvation.

We all laid white roses next to Joshua's tiny casket. It was a lot colder than I thought. I held Lydia to keep warm. Afterwards we were planning on going out to lunch. I told Lydia that it was time to go to lunch at a restaurant. She asked if we could get a high chair for Joshua.

It was hard to leave the cemetary. I felt like we were leaving Joshua. I'm sure that's normal but it shows how important it is to remember the words that Butch reminded us of. For comfort and for joy. I'm also thankful for the many emails and cards that remind us that Joshua is with His Heavenly Father and is experiencing utter bliss as I type.

Joshua's Funeral

Today was Joshua's funeral. I wore a navy blue dress and black flats that I bought the day before Joshua was born thinking that I needed new shoes to wear to the funeral. (Think/Whisper "This is not the way things are supposed to be.") Our family all gathered in the McLean Room before the service with the pastors. We tried to keep Dylan and Lydia content and somewhat quiet. We processed into the sanctuary, sitting in the same seats we would have sat in if it was his baptism instead of his funeral. ("This was not the way things were supposed to be.") His little white casket was up front with flowers all around. The casket (which Dylan called a basket) was closed but I remember thinking this was the first time that our little family was together in the same room.

Two days earlier we spent 3 hours with our pastor planning the service. We chose the songs and the Scripture verses. My only criteria was chosing something appropriate. God did so much more. So many folks came up to us after the service and told us how blessed they were by the service and how it was one of the most worshipful times they have experienced. One of the elders in our church - a tall, military man - weeped as he told us how much he learned from the service and our circumstances. Praise the Lord for already using Joshua's life to further the Kingdom of God.

Martin and I wept through most of the singing. We sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness," "Better is One Day," and "Blessed Be Your Name." If you know those songs, a lot of those lyrics are hard to get through. Dylan and Lydia were with us in the first pew. I can't say they sat because Dylan was climbing or crawling on the floor most of the time and Lydia was in our arms. She hit her head on the pew and started crying. My mom took her out for a minute but then brought her back and Martin held her while she sucked her thumb. It was her naptime. As we walked out, I carried the assortment of toys and purses and headbands that the kids had strewn across the pew. (While all death is "not the way it's supposed to be," especially in our case, there's just something about children and funerals that says "this is not the way it's supposed to be.")

Saying Goodbye

Today we had a small private viewing for Joshua. Earlier, Martin and I took a small blue blanket, a newborn sleeper that Dylan had worn, a little premie shirt with a train on it that my friend Jan picked up for us on Monday, a white premie hat that we recieved in a care package from the hospital, and a cross pin that my mom bought to the funeral home so the folks there could dress him for us. He looked so precious. The blue blanket lay underneath his head and then was wrapped around his whole body. But just enough of his clothes were showing to see the cross pin on his shirt. My in-laws bought a cross pillow with flowers on it that they laid in the tiny white casket too.


Dylan decided not to go to the viewing. He said he wanted to see pictures later. We asked him to pick out a baby toy to give to Joshua that we would leave in the casket. He chose a little stuffed turtle that we kept in the kids' diaper bags for when we needed to occupy them with something quiet. Dylan said he chose it because it was soft.


Lydia decided to give Joshua the bear we got in the care package at the hospital. She said it was Joshua's. (We actually got two bears - Lydia latched onto the one that was in Joshua's bassinet and Dylan got an identical one for him to hold too. So, although she doesn't know it, we had Lydia give Joshua the one that Dylan got and kept the one that was in Joshua's bassinet.) There was a bear that came with Joshua's casket and we told Lydia that Joshua gave her that bear as she gave him the one from the hospital. We let Lydia see Joshua's body in the casket. She said (in that way that 2-3 year olds do when they actually asking for confirmation of what they are saying) that Joshua was sleeping (as Dylan said when he saw my grandfather at his viewing in 2008). We said yes but we also told her that Joshua was in heaven with Jesus and she later repeated that statement to us.

Knowing the truth about Joshua's salvation, I thought that I wouldn't have so much of an attachment to his body but I did. Seeing him for the last time on this earth was extremely difficult as you might imagine, especially since we only had such a short time with him. I wanted to try to memorize every inch of his tiny face. Somehow he had scratch on his cheek from the first time we saw him and both at the hospital on Friday and at the viewing today I would stroke his cheek with my finger where the scratch was. Martin and I "talked" to Joshua a little and told him we loved him and how we would never forget him. I just wanted to hold him and be with him longer. As one of my pastors said on Friday when he visited, that's not strange or denying the truth. His body is where he lived for 8 months and it's something tangible (in a situation where there aren't many tangible things to hold onto). I had been thinking about the kids and their need for something tangible to help their understanding of their brother's birth and death, but I'm also seeing my need for something tangible as well.