7 months

Went to the cemetery today and the permanent marker was there.  I think it looks very nice.  I looked like a little mud had gotten into the engraving, maybe after the rain.  So next time I'll have to take some water and a rag to clean it up.  I took down the hanging planter and planted the orange flowers in back of the marker.  I left the wooden cross but also took down the green flower holders with the fake flowers.  We'll use those over the winter.  I think next time we'll have to put the flowers in front of the marker though since I think we have more room in front.

We all went to the cemetery this time, including my sister and her three little boys who are living with us.  We sang some songs.  Dylan wanted to sing one of his choir songs (Built on the Rock) so we sang that and Dylan performed the Simon Peter solo for us.  It was a short visit but it was nice to be there with Martin and to show Carrie where the grave site is.    

"Let's Talk about Pine Springs Camp"

That's what we often hear at the dinner table all year long.  I was so happy to take Lydia with us this year.  The picture below was taken about an hour after we got there so as you can see she felt at home immediately.  At one point later in the week, she got up from sitting with me and went and climbed in the lap of a counselor that I didn't even know.  Apparently she and the counselor had bonded while us moms were at our mom time.  Dylan did the super-hero training course (i.e., the confidence course) practically by himself.  At the bottom is a pic of the three of us with our Pine Springs Camp sweatshirts in front of our cabin.  We had a great time and can't wait to go back.

Future Miss America

Here are some pictures of Lydia in a bathing suit I used to wear when I was 2.

Last Day of Preschool

Left:  First day of preschool in September 2010.  Right: Last day of preschool May 24, 2012.  I think his attitude has changed more than anything.  Below:  Dylan with his teachers Ms. Rose and Mrs. Vadala. 

Ronald McDonald Dress

I'm not promoting McDonalds here or anything (since I know some of you have strong feelings against the restaurant) - this just happened to be one of the dresses that my mom kept from my childhood and now Lydia gets to wear it.  I waited a little too long to put her in the dress (I was 2 in the picture and Lydia is 3+) but it was fun to do this little photo session.  We did go to McDonalds afterwards (although I put some pants on her under the dress since it was too short) so we had a fun little outing on one of our last mornings alone together without the D-man (before school was out for him).  I don't think Lydia looks like me in any of these pictures.  But there are other pictures where she does.  I have a picture of her in a "future Miss America" swimsuit that was mine in which I think she looks more like me.  I got her to smile more like me in those pictures.  I'll post those soon.  Here, she's just got that big eyes, cheeky smile. 

6 months

Went to the cemetery on Thursday (the 24th) thinking that the grave marker would be there since on Monday they told me it had arrived but had not been placed yet but would be in the next day or two.  It wasn't, which I would have been fine with except that they told me it would be there and I was expecting it.  Anyway, Lydia and I put in the cross you see here that my mom picked up.  You can see that the grass is growing in now.  I talked to the lady at the cemetery office and she said the marker would be in the next day (Friday) so we went again today with Dylan and Martin but it still wasn't there.  I understand they were busy with Memorial Day and I would have been fine if they said oh we probably won't get to until next week but the fact that they told me it would be there and it wasn't annoys me.  They should know this is an emotional thing and not to tell people it will be there unless they know for sure.  I doubt if we'll be back until June 24th so we'll see it then. 

Matters of the Heart

The doctor checked my heart and said my heart was strong and healthy.  She then asked me what's been going on in my life.  Well....  After I told her about Joshua, she said that the stress and anxiety of losing him is probably causing the heart palpitations.  She suggested that I talk to a licensed counselor.  I have an appointment on Friday.  She did some blood work just to make sure but that came back fine.  So it's grief-related.  I also just started a GriefShare support group at my church so hopefully these things will help keep the palpitations away.  The doctor seemed to think I could get through this without medication.  And so far so good as I haven't had any palpitations in about a week. 

I finished my accounting class and got an A (barely).  Yea!!  I decided not to take another class over the summer because they only offer 8-week classes and that would be too condensed for me since I had a hard time keeping up with my 16-week class.  I'll take another class in the fall.  I have 8 that I have to take in total before I could sit for the CPA exam so it's going to take awhile.

Dylan is taking a swim class twice a week for 8 weeks and I have been swimming while he is in class.  So I'm getting a little exercise.  And I'm hoping to continue swimming when the pool opens in 3 weeks.  

We're going to a memorial service on Saturday night for all the babies that passed away in my OB/GYN's practice.  It's something really great that they do each year. 

While my heart is strong and healthy, it's still healing. 

 

5 months

Lydia and I visited Joshua's grave yesterday.  We went to Home Depot first and got a hanging pot thing but I'm not happy about it because it hangs down too long.  I'm trying to find a small, light-weight hanging potted plant but haven't been able to.  The permanent marker wasn't there yet.  Maybe next time.  We didn't stay long, Lydia had to go potty too.  She did ask again if Joshua crawled into the ground.  But she also often repeats what we've told the kids over and over, "Joshua's soul is in heaven and his body is in the ground."

Here are some pictures of the grave.  Looks like Joshua has one or two new "neighbors" sadly.  There was a temp marker on the grave in front of Joshua's and the one behind looked like it was dug up but there was no marker or flowers.

Recently I'm been experiencing some weird heart palpitations so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out what's going on.  I'm also finishing up my accounting class that I started in January.  I take my final next Saturday.  

4 months

The four of us went to the cemetery on Saturday, four months after Joshua's birthday. We stopped and got some orange flowers first to put in the hanging pot, which was good because my make-shift hanging pot broke and the evergreen that I had in there was gone. I wasn't able to fix the hanging part of the pot so I just planted the flower that we brought and left the pot sitting there. I'll get something to hang the pot for next time. It was raining while we were there so we didn't stay long. The temporary marker was there (yea, finally). Lydia keeps asking if Joshua crawled down a hole into the ground and Dylan keeps saying that Joshua is in heaven and in the cemetery. He doesn't quite get that Joshua's essence or person is in heaven and it's only is lifeless body that's in the cemetery. Dylan said something like "is this Joshua's first rainy day?" I'm not worried about this type of thinking but it's just an interesting look into what they actually think at this point.

On Thursday I got together with a friend who lost a baby in her 7th month of pregnancy in January. It is always good to talk to her. Much of the same feelings. Definitely don't feel alone in this after talking to her. Along those same lines, someone came up to me at church on Sunday and asked me if I would be interested in attending a 12-week grief support group program. I'm hopeful that that will happen. The program was developed by the same couple that does the retreats for parents who have lost children. I think I'd still like to do the retreat but maybe we can do the support group first.

It was about this time last year that I got pregnant with Joshua. I found out on April 8th which is Easter this year. We are headed to FL from the 4th through the 9th to visit Martin's parents and brother.

We did our taxes last week. Turbo Tax even had a question on losing a child. We clicked yes and the next page that comes up says "sorry for your loss" and then tells you how to claim your child and put "died" where you would put his SS# had he lived. I had Martin finish our taxes and then undo claiming Joshua to see how much he saved us in taxes for his short little 30 minutes of life so we could then decide to do something special with that money. We are thinking about planting a tree, maybe in our yard or a public place where we could put a dedication plaque.

Grave marker design

Here is what we decide for Joshua's grave marker. The verse that is written out is Psalm 71:19-20 (NIV) in case you can't read it from the picture. The pine trees represent us (me, Martin, Dylan, and Lydia) pointing to our hope in heaven. The path represents our lives left to live and the butterfly and the cross represent the resurrected life that Joshua is living now and that we will join him in. I did some research on Christian symbols to come up with all of this. Interestingly, I also found that squirrels represent "a Christian’s busy forethought of eternity or heavenly meditation" which would have been appropriate but a little weird to put four squirrels on there.

It's going to take 4-6 weeks until the stone is placed so hopefully by our April visit it will be there. Going to the cemetary this Saturday and hopefully the temporary marker will be there.

Talking about Normal and Not-so-normal Baby Stuff

I want to talk about Joshua and from what I read on the blogs of other moms who have lost children they want to talk about their children too. So I think it may be safe to generalize a little here and say to those who are around those of us who have lost a dear one lately - don't be afraid to talk to us about them!

The frustrating thing for me (and for people who are trying to talk to me about Joshua) is that I don't know what to say or talk about. I have so many people ask me how I am doing and I say "I'm hanging in there." Since I haven't given them much, they will then usually ask how I am doing physically (which I'm starting to be annoyed by because 1) I don't think they'd be asking a mother of a 3 month old how she was doing physically even if she had a c-section and 2) the emotional pain is so much more than the physical pain that I find it so silly to talk about the physical stuff - but I know people are just trying to find some way to allow me to talk so I can't be upset) or they ask how the kids are doing. I'm longing for someone to ask me how we came up with Joshua's name or if we knew he was going to be a boy. Normal baby stuff.

I want to try to do as much as I can "for Joshua" as I did for Dylan and Lydia. So things like baby books and birth stories and pictures. They help solidify the reality that I do have a third child as just talking about Joshua does.

So I'm going to write some normal baby posts coming up to include Joshua's birth story and where his name comes from, etc. And then there will be the not-so-normal posts about his grave marker, etc. I tend to talk about those not-so-normal things in a matter-of-fact normal way too, much to the shock of some a co-worker and a friend (both men) who had these looks of fear on their faces when I brought up things like the grave marker and the hanging basket for the grave site. Maybe they were afraid they were going to have to say something to comfort me or that I would start crying (at work! oh no! there's no crying at work!). I think these few experiences have held me back a little from just going up to people and start talking about Joshua and how we came up with his name, etc. They shouldn't but it's so hard to gauge how much a person is willing to listen when he/she ask "how are you?"

Moments

I was playing dolls with Lydia this morning and just letting her totally direct the play. She got two really cute baby dolls for Christmas that she has hardly played with since she usually just does what Dylan wants to do. She handed me one baby and told me to feed her and then she fed the other baby. I of course start weeping because I had had these dreams/desires of having a real baby and Lydia imitating me caring for our baby through play with her dolls. This was one of the few dreams I had had for Joshua and our family since we knew he wasn't going to make it for most of my pregnancy and I was so focused on me and my career for the beginning part of the pregnancy.

The weird thing is that I treasure these moments, sad as they are. This goes back to what it means to work through grief and heal. I don't want to get to the point when I'm not remembering and thinking about Joshua and not crying. Healing is not forgetting. I hope I have these moments my whole life. Even though they are sad, they are precious and even joyful. Yes, I know I just said something can be sad and joyful at the same time. I believe it can because of the hope and peace I still have in sad moments because of the hope I have in God. Hope in His comfort and salvation. The sadness is only temporary because there will be no sadness in eternity.

Retreat

I had a good time on the retreat. I really enjoyed talking with the friends I drove their with and roomed with. However, it wasn't so much a time of refreshment and renewal as it was evaluating and stirring. You know when you go go go and then you slow down just enough to see that something's not quite right but you're not exactly sure what that is. I'm using my blog here to help me think through what that might be but I could have probably used another 2 days away. On Saturday night I just felt like crying (but that may have been for monthly reasons) but I couldn't really even pinpoint what I was feeling. As far as what I gleened from the retreat, I know I need to be in God's word more and I need to be a better wife to my husband. Again, these are just the vague notions that I see surfacing but much more thinking needs to be done.

Three months

I did go to the cemetary this morning. I ended up taking Lydia with me. We sang Kum Ba Yah and put some fake flowers in the ground and a hanging planter (which I had to make since I couldn't find one in the store this time of year) on a post. The temporary marker still was not there which made me sad but we'll get that taken care of and now that we have some flowers there it won't look like we are neglecting our child....I mean of course his grave but in a way it felt like we were neglecting him.

We are almost ready to order the permanent marker. Going to look at one more draft and then decide. Because we are having a Bible verse engraved on the stone (and not just the reference) the costs are more than we were expecting but as a friend pointed out to me, this is one way you can spend money on Joshua since we obviously didn't and won't have many things to buy "for him" as we do our other children.

Since I've been so busy lately I'm looking forward to the women's retreat this weekend to have some time to grieve and process. I think about Joshua every day and recount his birth and life on most days. But I don't really feel like I'm doing anything intention to heal. I don't want to get the point when I don't think about Joshua and his birth on a daily basis. So I guess what I want is to "heal" from is just the bad feelings I have associated with his existence/birth - like the fact that I can only fit into a small percentage of my pants and skirts and I don't want to be seen in maternity clothes and so I got really upset when the only pair of jeans I have that fit ripped. Losing weight would alleviate this problem but would it really fix it? It's sort of like that things that didn't have so much of an emotional component to them now are big emotional deals when you are grieving. I've also seen this with my feelings about not wasting things. It used to just annoy me when I or someone else in my house wasted something but now it's a big emotional deal. Somehow maybe I'm tying the thing to Joshua and since I don't want his existence to be wasted I don't want other things to be wasted. If Joshua's life has a purpose then so does everything else. So maybe part of healing is untying my loss of Joshua from these other things in life.

Building Museum

I always find February a hard month to find things to do with the kids so I was super excited to find out the National Building Museum downtown was having a Family Day to celebrate National Engineers Week. (And so were a lot of other parents since it was really crowded.) We were there for over an hour and only got around to about 4-5 of the really cool booths they set up. We could have been there all day. Dylan and Lydia made catapults, truss bridges, and Lego towers, and got to meet The Cat in The Hat and Curious George.

This was sort of a Valentines Day trip since Tuesday was kind of a bust. I got sick (something I ate I think) so we didn't go to Cold Stone like we were planning. Martin also didn't get to build me a fire in the fireplace since I just went to bed early so we did that tonight too.

Second Lost Tooth! and Wanting to Drive?

First Tooth Lost and Spunky Girl

Memorial "markers"

We had an appointment yesterday at the cemetary yesterday to pick out a grave marker. It was the two month anniversary of Joshua's birth. We were there on Christmas Eve too which was the one-month anniversary of his birth so I think I may have inadvertently started a trend. I'm taking off on Feb 24th because I'm leaving that day for the women's retreat so I may just go to the cemetary that day too.

The cemetary removed all the flowers (including a wreath that I wished they hadn't) and the funeral home forgot to put the temporary marker up so there was nothing marking the grave except for some straw where they were trying to grow some grass and a small pine tree branch that they put down (which was nice). We called the funeral home to get the temporary marker put up because I think it's going to be a few months before the permanent marker will be done. I resolved to get a wreath or a hanging basket for the next time we go.

The marker is going to have Joshua's name and birth and death dates and a cross and a path and a bible verse (Psalms 71:19-20). We want to other symbols too for resurrection and something to show that we are waiting for heaven. The guy at the cemetary is going to draft something for us to take a look at.

I find myself not saying "Joshua would have been 2 months old yesterday" because we knew he's wasn't going to make it that long from fairly early on. I imagine this is a good thing because I think I read somewhere it's not healthy to think about what life would be like if the person you are grieving over was still there. But sometimes I can't help thinking like that especially when I think about my job and where that's going and when I see pregnant women in the neighborhood and think, oh, Joshua would have had a friend to play with. Thoughts like this can feed bitterness so I don't want to do that but at the same time, because Joshua's life was so short and the memories so few there isn't much to think about when I think of him and I want to think about him so that's a outlet for some thoughts.

I put a picture of Joshua up on my desk at work. It's sad that I will never be able to replace that with an updated picture like I will for Dylan and Lydia. I wonder if I'll still be hanging Joshua's baby picture along side Dylan's and Lydia's high school graduation pictures for instance. It makes me sad to think about not doing that. I'm not sure if these "future" thoughts are any healthier but I think they might be because they show an element of excepting reality. Right now I have a fear of forgetting. Some people say you'll never forget but there will be somethings I will forget (details of Joshua's birth, what it was like when I was pregnant with him). Of course I'll not forget that I had him but I want more than that. Years from now the memories will see so distance. I see before me a lifetime of trying to memorialize our son's brief life. It's one of those labors that is sad but it would be even more sad if we didn't do it. Even if we just think about the anniversaries of his birth and death, it honors Joshua's life. Just like all of those who have passed on before us. For instance, today is the 18th anniversary of my grandfather's death - I've now lived more of my life without my grandfather than I did with him. This is in a sense a marker in my life. It is good to create memorials and markers.

Lydia Update

Lydia had her *3-year* check up today. She weighs 31 lbs (50th percentile) and is 35 inches tall (10th percentile). She gained 5 lbs and grew 2 inches from last year so the doctor said that's all good. He said she's developing just fine and was impressed with her comprehension and amazed at her fine motor skills. I told him she could write her name and he had her show him. She did it. The doctor asked where the art ability (i.e., good motor skills) is in the family. I guess she inherited it from Uncle Justin.

Lydia is very articulate. There are still a few little cute quirks in her speech though - she pronounces l like y and she calls Lightening McQueen "Yightening DaQueen." At some point during this year she dropped the "no me" and now says "I don't." She gets a lot of what she says, good and bad, from Dylan.

Lydia has learned her letters and knows most of the letter sounds so she and Dylan can pretty much work at the same level when we try to help the kids with pre-reading skills at home. She can write most of the letters too. Lydia can count to about 15 and she plays Uno with the rest of us. She likes to sit at the table and paint or play with playdough or draw. But otherwise her play is all about her big brother. They pretend they are animals and talk about dinosaurs and play cars together. It's sweet for about 10 minutes and then they start the "she hit me/he punched me" stuff. Someone asked me recently about having two kids and was it hard when the younger one started to want to play with the older one's toys. I guess that was an issue for us but it was much worse when the younger one was able to argue with the older one. The fights are much harder to settle at that point. "The sky is blue." "No it's not, it's pink." Okay you're both right!

Lydia is the type of gal who can enjoy herself wherever she goes. She makes a trip to the grocery store fun by picking out apples and making a kite out of the register tape. I feel like Dylan was already into the complaining stage by the time he was this age so I'm appreciating Lydia's easy-going nature at this time. I think Dylan's thing was that he wanted to be around other people, not just Mom. Lydia seems content just hanging out with her family. By the time we sent Dylan to preschool I was saying he soo needs to be in school but with Lydia I think she's going to go to preschool to get used to school and so I'll be able to do my telework hours while they are both in school. We are going to sign her up for two days a week like Dylan did the first year.

Lydia still naps like a champ - 3 hours a day. She would go longer if we let her and she often seems like she could fall asleep for a morning nap too. Since the kids are in one room now it has been harder to get her to fall asleep at night (and sometimes for naps too even when Dylan isn't there). Not sure what's going to happen to the nap when she starts preschool because after preschool we'll have to pick Dylan up from Kindergarten and there won't be time to sleep.

Lydia has been riding a tricycle since last summer. She did pretty well in the pool too. Hoping to do another swim class before the pool opens.

Lydia eats pretty well. She does well with the veggies but doesn't eat much meat. She loves eggs though so we get her her protein that way.

Lydia still gives the best hugs and is still my cuddle buddy. She often just wants me to hold her. I love it and sometimes just want to kiss her cheeks all day.

Back at Work

Turns out I did have to start work to get my class paid for but I'm okay with it. I was able to work from home for three days and then take two more days off and then there was the federal holiday and my normal work from home day yesterday. So today is my first day in the office which is what I had planned on anyway. This was also good because I'm not using up more sick days that I don't have. It will be 7 months before I'm out of the hole assuming I don't take any more sick days during that time.


My two days off last week were supposed to be vacation days and Martin and I were scheduled to go to the cemetery to pick out Joshua's grave marker. But then I got a corneal abrasion and ended up taking sick leave and cancelling the appointment. We rescheduled for next week. My eye is better now but I couldn't see for 2 days.


Coming back into the office was a little hard because the last time I was there I had Joshua with me and he was still alive. I had to change my calendar. Not just flip it but get a whole new one that doesn't have Joshua's birthday and year on it. I also forgot to ask anyone to water my plant so I came in to find brown leaves. I think I can nurse it back though. I also had to fax to HR Joshua's birth certificate which you'll remember has the word "deceased" on it so hopefully no one will ask too many questions. My co-workers were fine though. No one said anything bad and there were only a few awkward moments. Mostly when folks are trying to end the conversation on a positive note. "Well, hopefully now..." Yeah, it's hard to finish that sentence.


I've been doing okay otherwise. I think. I guess I've been feeling kinda numb lately. Not sad. Not really happy. I don't think too much about Joshua and is that because I'm moving on with life or because I'm avoiding grief? It doesn't feel like I'm avoiding anything but I still feel guilty for not sitting around and crying more.


Maybe I am crying more than I think I am. There were two deaths in our church last week. One was a baby (7 months gestation) of friends of ours. I'm thankful I was able to talk to the mom and help her out. Didn't think I'd be helping someone else so soon. But talking to her helps me too and I was able to cry with her. The other person who died was an elder in our church who wasn't much older than our parents. He and his wife were at Joshua's funeral. Martin and I went to the viewing last night and we are going to the funeral tonight. I was fine at the funeral home but got upset after I got home. I feel like that's a common thing - I go through things thinking it won't be a big deal but then it hits me. Like coming back to work.


And like going to my 6 week checkup with my OB. That was on the 6th. I went by myself but later wished I hadn't. I was fine until I pulled into the parking lot. Then the tears came. And I cried with the nurse. And the doctor who delivered Joshua. She said that I'm healing fine. Only restriction is no weight lifting for 3 more months. She also said they recommend not delivering another baby for 2 years after the c-section to allow for healing. That's longer than I was thinking. I'm still thinking about future plans but trying to just be okay with "wait and see" and not have a game plan. I really need to just trust God.


As for my other ranting from a few weeks ago - my health insurance company did pay both of the claims I was disputing so that's good. I still have one more bill that I'm hoping the hospital review and not require me to pay. We were able to submit the claim for life insurance with Martin's work but haven't gotten the payment yet.


So we are doing okay, enjoying time with Dylan and Lydia and getting used to the new normal. Thanks for your continued prayers.