10 months

I didn't go to the cemetery today.  Not because of what my counselor said.  This was actually the first time the 24th has fallen on a day of the week that I go into the office.  I could have gone after work but I didn't feel like I needed to.  Plus, we made an unexpected stop at the cemetery on the 15th so I at least went once this month.  We were hiking along the Potomac and the kids were tired so we decided to cut our time a little short.  But I had also wanted to visit a co-worker of mine who just had surgery.  She lives out in Loudon Co. and since we were "out west" already I figured we'd go straight from hiking.  The GPS took I straight down the Fairfax Co. Parkway which comes within a half mile of the cemetery at one point.  So we stopped.  Dylan and Lydia had fallen asleep in the car so we just left them sleep and Martin and I got out of the van and went to the grave.  When we got back in the van, we looked back at Dylan.  He was sleeping with his mouth open.  He looked like Joshua did.  It was such a sweet moment.  Like heaven reaching down so we could connect in a small way with Joshua.  What a blessing.

Last Friday we had family movie night and watched We Bought A Zoo.  In the movie, the mother has died and the dad struggles with his own grief and trying to be a good father.  At a number of points in the movie you see the mom, kinda in the dad's memory shown on screen.  After the movie was over, Dylan and Lydia were asking if she was really dead.  We said yes but that the dad was remembering her in his mind and pretending that she was there that's what we were seeing on the screen.  Dylan then held his arms up like he was rocking a baby and said that he was thinking about Joshua and pretending that he was holding him.  It was so sweet.  I cried then and then later that night after the kids went to bed.  I know that in a sense this whole experience is good for the kids in that he helps them express emotion and learn about things they normally wouldn't but at the same time I'm sad for them and all they have gone through and will continue to go through in their lives.  They don't seem upset or in pain so I shouldn't be concerned but I still feel for them.    
 
I'm still seeing my counselor.  I was going to call it quits after our last session on the 14th but I felt like I don't have any time to sit and process so it would be good for me to continue just to make sure I process and check in.  Life has gotten so busy especially with the kids starting school.  And I have a project that I'm working on for work that has been taking up a lot of time.  In my life even grieving and processing need to be intentionally planned.   

Which is why it was so good for us to go on that retreat for couples who have lost children earlier this month.  It was a sad but good time.  It was comforting to be with people who you know understand.  The stories were heartbreaking though.  Half of the weekend is just listening to the parents tell their stories.  It was also a good time for Martin and I to connect and think about how we are dealing with things as a couple.  We met some great folks from all over the country.  They encouraged us by giving us compliments from a strangers' point of view (like one person said I had an engaging smile and another admired our reliance on Scripture).  They also renewed my hope in the Kingdom - God is doing great things in all our lives in the mist of our pain.  And I know it's the same God working in all our lives because they come to the same conclusions or viewpoint that we do.  While the weekend was emotionally exhausting and we missed Dylan and Lydia, Martin and I felt like we could have spent even more time with this folks.  I've been able to connect on facebook with some of them and hope to keep in touch.   

First day of school pictures

Dylan Kindergarten Lorien Wood 9/5/12

Lydia Preschool Vienna Baptist Children's Center 9/13/12

9 months

We went to Joshua's grave site today on our way to our church retreat.  I think this might have been the first time we didn't take any pictures.  We were all there this time and we sang and prayed.

I'm still seeing my counselor but I only may go one more time to debrief after the retreat that Martin and I are going on next weekend.  It's for couples who have lost children.  The organizers lost two children.  In addition to leading these retreats, they are also connected with Griefshare, the support group at my church.  I  finished up Griefshare earlier this month.

I told my counselor that I was going to Joshua's grave on the 24th of every month and she said that at some point she hopes that I'm healed enough that I won't have to do that.  Not sure how I feel about that.  Is that really what healing is?  I think I go as a way to honor Joshua's life because it's something I can do.  Is that bad, does that mean that I'm not healed?  If that's what that means, do I want to be healed?  I told her I had only planned on doing that for the first year and she said she thought that was appropriate.  Yet, even then I'm still going to have this desire to honor Joshua's life in a tangible way on a regular basis.  I feel like I need some sort of prompting like an anniversary to make sure I make it happen because life has a tendency to get away from me pretty quickly.  Anything that's not intention is not usually completed aside from checking Facebook.  But on the other hand am I going to the cemetery to prove my love for Joshua or to visibly honor his life in front of others, namely my other children.  Like most things in life, motive is everything.  Am I going because I *need* to go or need to prove something?  What exactly are good reasons for going?  These are just some things going around in my head these days.

Highlights of our vacation to VT and the Adirondacks

 Right outside the cabin we stayed in the first two nights.

 My husband's idea of a good hike.

 Farm on Lake Champlain

 Lake Champlain

 Even mountain folk like us hit the beach every once in while.

 Lake Placid

 We exhausted the children on this vacation.

 View of Lake Placid.

 Whiteface Mountain before the clouds completed blocked the view.

Mount Jo.

8 months

It was just me and Dylan and Lydia at the cemetery this month.  Dylan and Lydia sang lots of songs for Joshua.  Complete with hand motions.  They asked me to take a video which I did.  That was a surreal moment - videotaping happy kids singing in a cemetery.  There wasn't anyone around but I still felt a little silly.  Kids can do things that if adults did they might be accused of being disrespectful.  But really, I think they have the right idea.

I think something ate the orange flowers that I planted behind the stone last month.  At least that's what I hoped happened.  The rain must have taken care of the mud on the stone too because it looked better than last time.  I brought water to clean the grooves but it was fine the way it was.  There was another grave added since the last time we were there.  So sad.  Joshua was the 3rd one in this newer infant section and now there are about 6.

Love you bushels Grandma!

My grandmother, Grandma Zackal, passed away on July 6th.  She was my last living grandparent.  We got to see her about a month before she died when we were in PA and took this picture.  My parents said it was one of her last good days.  Her funeral was last Tuesday.  I was struck by the number of people who came up to me at the funeral home and said what a happy, positive, delightful, joyful woman my grandmother was.  It was such a blessing to hear that.  While I wouldn't disagree with those who said that, I often saw my grandmother worrying.  I know that was an outgrowth of her love and care and thoughtfulness of us.  But it was good to have the affirmation of my grandmother's joyous side too.  On of my favorite memories of my grandmother was how she used to tell us that she loved us bushels and bushels and bushels and bushels.  I told Lydia the other night and that I loved her bushels and bushels and without missing a beat she said I love you bushels and bushels back to me.  I don't even think she knows what a bushel is, as I know I didn't when my grandmother first started telling me that, but I think she got the point nonetheless and so did I.

7 months

Went to the cemetery today and the permanent marker was there.  I think it looks very nice.  I looked like a little mud had gotten into the engraving, maybe after the rain.  So next time I'll have to take some water and a rag to clean it up.  I took down the hanging planter and planted the orange flowers in back of the marker.  I left the wooden cross but also took down the green flower holders with the fake flowers.  We'll use those over the winter.  I think next time we'll have to put the flowers in front of the marker though since I think we have more room in front.

We all went to the cemetery this time, including my sister and her three little boys who are living with us.  We sang some songs.  Dylan wanted to sing one of his choir songs (Built on the Rock) so we sang that and Dylan performed the Simon Peter solo for us.  It was a short visit but it was nice to be there with Martin and to show Carrie where the grave site is.    

"Let's Talk about Pine Springs Camp"

That's what we often hear at the dinner table all year long.  I was so happy to take Lydia with us this year.  The picture below was taken about an hour after we got there so as you can see she felt at home immediately.  At one point later in the week, she got up from sitting with me and went and climbed in the lap of a counselor that I didn't even know.  Apparently she and the counselor had bonded while us moms were at our mom time.  Dylan did the super-hero training course (i.e., the confidence course) practically by himself.  At the bottom is a pic of the three of us with our Pine Springs Camp sweatshirts in front of our cabin.  We had a great time and can't wait to go back.

Future Miss America

Here are some pictures of Lydia in a bathing suit I used to wear when I was 2.

Last Day of Preschool

Left:  First day of preschool in September 2010.  Right: Last day of preschool May 24, 2012.  I think his attitude has changed more than anything.  Below:  Dylan with his teachers Ms. Rose and Mrs. Vadala. 

Ronald McDonald Dress

I'm not promoting McDonalds here or anything (since I know some of you have strong feelings against the restaurant) - this just happened to be one of the dresses that my mom kept from my childhood and now Lydia gets to wear it.  I waited a little too long to put her in the dress (I was 2 in the picture and Lydia is 3+) but it was fun to do this little photo session.  We did go to McDonalds afterwards (although I put some pants on her under the dress since it was too short) so we had a fun little outing on one of our last mornings alone together without the D-man (before school was out for him).  I don't think Lydia looks like me in any of these pictures.  But there are other pictures where she does.  I have a picture of her in a "future Miss America" swimsuit that was mine in which I think she looks more like me.  I got her to smile more like me in those pictures.  I'll post those soon.  Here, she's just got that big eyes, cheeky smile. 

6 months

Went to the cemetery on Thursday (the 24th) thinking that the grave marker would be there since on Monday they told me it had arrived but had not been placed yet but would be in the next day or two.  It wasn't, which I would have been fine with except that they told me it would be there and I was expecting it.  Anyway, Lydia and I put in the cross you see here that my mom picked up.  You can see that the grass is growing in now.  I talked to the lady at the cemetery office and she said the marker would be in the next day (Friday) so we went again today with Dylan and Martin but it still wasn't there.  I understand they were busy with Memorial Day and I would have been fine if they said oh we probably won't get to until next week but the fact that they told me it would be there and it wasn't annoys me.  They should know this is an emotional thing and not to tell people it will be there unless they know for sure.  I doubt if we'll be back until June 24th so we'll see it then. 

Matters of the Heart

The doctor checked my heart and said my heart was strong and healthy.  She then asked me what's been going on in my life.  Well....  After I told her about Joshua, she said that the stress and anxiety of losing him is probably causing the heart palpitations.  She suggested that I talk to a licensed counselor.  I have an appointment on Friday.  She did some blood work just to make sure but that came back fine.  So it's grief-related.  I also just started a GriefShare support group at my church so hopefully these things will help keep the palpitations away.  The doctor seemed to think I could get through this without medication.  And so far so good as I haven't had any palpitations in about a week. 

I finished my accounting class and got an A (barely).  Yea!!  I decided not to take another class over the summer because they only offer 8-week classes and that would be too condensed for me since I had a hard time keeping up with my 16-week class.  I'll take another class in the fall.  I have 8 that I have to take in total before I could sit for the CPA exam so it's going to take awhile.

Dylan is taking a swim class twice a week for 8 weeks and I have been swimming while he is in class.  So I'm getting a little exercise.  And I'm hoping to continue swimming when the pool opens in 3 weeks.  

We're going to a memorial service on Saturday night for all the babies that passed away in my OB/GYN's practice.  It's something really great that they do each year. 

While my heart is strong and healthy, it's still healing. 

 

5 months

Lydia and I visited Joshua's grave yesterday.  We went to Home Depot first and got a hanging pot thing but I'm not happy about it because it hangs down too long.  I'm trying to find a small, light-weight hanging potted plant but haven't been able to.  The permanent marker wasn't there yet.  Maybe next time.  We didn't stay long, Lydia had to go potty too.  She did ask again if Joshua crawled into the ground.  But she also often repeats what we've told the kids over and over, "Joshua's soul is in heaven and his body is in the ground."

Here are some pictures of the grave.  Looks like Joshua has one or two new "neighbors" sadly.  There was a temp marker on the grave in front of Joshua's and the one behind looked like it was dug up but there was no marker or flowers.

Recently I'm been experiencing some weird heart palpitations so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out what's going on.  I'm also finishing up my accounting class that I started in January.  I take my final next Saturday.  

4 months

The four of us went to the cemetery on Saturday, four months after Joshua's birthday. We stopped and got some orange flowers first to put in the hanging pot, which was good because my make-shift hanging pot broke and the evergreen that I had in there was gone. I wasn't able to fix the hanging part of the pot so I just planted the flower that we brought and left the pot sitting there. I'll get something to hang the pot for next time. It was raining while we were there so we didn't stay long. The temporary marker was there (yea, finally). Lydia keeps asking if Joshua crawled down a hole into the ground and Dylan keeps saying that Joshua is in heaven and in the cemetery. He doesn't quite get that Joshua's essence or person is in heaven and it's only is lifeless body that's in the cemetery. Dylan said something like "is this Joshua's first rainy day?" I'm not worried about this type of thinking but it's just an interesting look into what they actually think at this point.

On Thursday I got together with a friend who lost a baby in her 7th month of pregnancy in January. It is always good to talk to her. Much of the same feelings. Definitely don't feel alone in this after talking to her. Along those same lines, someone came up to me at church on Sunday and asked me if I would be interested in attending a 12-week grief support group program. I'm hopeful that that will happen. The program was developed by the same couple that does the retreats for parents who have lost children. I think I'd still like to do the retreat but maybe we can do the support group first.

It was about this time last year that I got pregnant with Joshua. I found out on April 8th which is Easter this year. We are headed to FL from the 4th through the 9th to visit Martin's parents and brother.

We did our taxes last week. Turbo Tax even had a question on losing a child. We clicked yes and the next page that comes up says "sorry for your loss" and then tells you how to claim your child and put "died" where you would put his SS# had he lived. I had Martin finish our taxes and then undo claiming Joshua to see how much he saved us in taxes for his short little 30 minutes of life so we could then decide to do something special with that money. We are thinking about planting a tree, maybe in our yard or a public place where we could put a dedication plaque.

Grave marker design

Here is what we decide for Joshua's grave marker. The verse that is written out is Psalm 71:19-20 (NIV) in case you can't read it from the picture. The pine trees represent us (me, Martin, Dylan, and Lydia) pointing to our hope in heaven. The path represents our lives left to live and the butterfly and the cross represent the resurrected life that Joshua is living now and that we will join him in. I did some research on Christian symbols to come up with all of this. Interestingly, I also found that squirrels represent "a Christian’s busy forethought of eternity or heavenly meditation" which would have been appropriate but a little weird to put four squirrels on there.

It's going to take 4-6 weeks until the stone is placed so hopefully by our April visit it will be there. Going to the cemetary this Saturday and hopefully the temporary marker will be there.

Talking about Normal and Not-so-normal Baby Stuff

I want to talk about Joshua and from what I read on the blogs of other moms who have lost children they want to talk about their children too. So I think it may be safe to generalize a little here and say to those who are around those of us who have lost a dear one lately - don't be afraid to talk to us about them!

The frustrating thing for me (and for people who are trying to talk to me about Joshua) is that I don't know what to say or talk about. I have so many people ask me how I am doing and I say "I'm hanging in there." Since I haven't given them much, they will then usually ask how I am doing physically (which I'm starting to be annoyed by because 1) I don't think they'd be asking a mother of a 3 month old how she was doing physically even if she had a c-section and 2) the emotional pain is so much more than the physical pain that I find it so silly to talk about the physical stuff - but I know people are just trying to find some way to allow me to talk so I can't be upset) or they ask how the kids are doing. I'm longing for someone to ask me how we came up with Joshua's name or if we knew he was going to be a boy. Normal baby stuff.

I want to try to do as much as I can "for Joshua" as I did for Dylan and Lydia. So things like baby books and birth stories and pictures. They help solidify the reality that I do have a third child as just talking about Joshua does.

So I'm going to write some normal baby posts coming up to include Joshua's birth story and where his name comes from, etc. And then there will be the not-so-normal posts about his grave marker, etc. I tend to talk about those not-so-normal things in a matter-of-fact normal way too, much to the shock of some a co-worker and a friend (both men) who had these looks of fear on their faces when I brought up things like the grave marker and the hanging basket for the grave site. Maybe they were afraid they were going to have to say something to comfort me or that I would start crying (at work! oh no! there's no crying at work!). I think these few experiences have held me back a little from just going up to people and start talking about Joshua and how we came up with his name, etc. They shouldn't but it's so hard to gauge how much a person is willing to listen when he/she ask "how are you?"

Moments

I was playing dolls with Lydia this morning and just letting her totally direct the play. She got two really cute baby dolls for Christmas that she has hardly played with since she usually just does what Dylan wants to do. She handed me one baby and told me to feed her and then she fed the other baby. I of course start weeping because I had had these dreams/desires of having a real baby and Lydia imitating me caring for our baby through play with her dolls. This was one of the few dreams I had had for Joshua and our family since we knew he wasn't going to make it for most of my pregnancy and I was so focused on me and my career for the beginning part of the pregnancy.

The weird thing is that I treasure these moments, sad as they are. This goes back to what it means to work through grief and heal. I don't want to get to the point when I'm not remembering and thinking about Joshua and not crying. Healing is not forgetting. I hope I have these moments my whole life. Even though they are sad, they are precious and even joyful. Yes, I know I just said something can be sad and joyful at the same time. I believe it can because of the hope and peace I still have in sad moments because of the hope I have in God. Hope in His comfort and salvation. The sadness is only temporary because there will be no sadness in eternity.

Retreat

I had a good time on the retreat. I really enjoyed talking with the friends I drove their with and roomed with. However, it wasn't so much a time of refreshment and renewal as it was evaluating and stirring. You know when you go go go and then you slow down just enough to see that something's not quite right but you're not exactly sure what that is. I'm using my blog here to help me think through what that might be but I could have probably used another 2 days away. On Saturday night I just felt like crying (but that may have been for monthly reasons) but I couldn't really even pinpoint what I was feeling. As far as what I gleened from the retreat, I know I need to be in God's word more and I need to be a better wife to my husband. Again, these are just the vague notions that I see surfacing but much more thinking needs to be done.

Three months

I did go to the cemetary this morning. I ended up taking Lydia with me. We sang Kum Ba Yah and put some fake flowers in the ground and a hanging planter (which I had to make since I couldn't find one in the store this time of year) on a post. The temporary marker still was not there which made me sad but we'll get that taken care of and now that we have some flowers there it won't look like we are neglecting our child....I mean of course his grave but in a way it felt like we were neglecting him.

We are almost ready to order the permanent marker. Going to look at one more draft and then decide. Because we are having a Bible verse engraved on the stone (and not just the reference) the costs are more than we were expecting but as a friend pointed out to me, this is one way you can spend money on Joshua since we obviously didn't and won't have many things to buy "for him" as we do our other children.

Since I've been so busy lately I'm looking forward to the women's retreat this weekend to have some time to grieve and process. I think about Joshua every day and recount his birth and life on most days. But I don't really feel like I'm doing anything intention to heal. I don't want to get the point when I don't think about Joshua and his birth on a daily basis. So I guess what I want is to "heal" from is just the bad feelings I have associated with his existence/birth - like the fact that I can only fit into a small percentage of my pants and skirts and I don't want to be seen in maternity clothes and so I got really upset when the only pair of jeans I have that fit ripped. Losing weight would alleviate this problem but would it really fix it? It's sort of like that things that didn't have so much of an emotional component to them now are big emotional deals when you are grieving. I've also seen this with my feelings about not wasting things. It used to just annoy me when I or someone else in my house wasted something but now it's a big emotional deal. Somehow maybe I'm tying the thing to Joshua and since I don't want his existence to be wasted I don't want other things to be wasted. If Joshua's life has a purpose then so does everything else. So maybe part of healing is untying my loss of Joshua from these other things in life.