"You're making a big mistake!"

Yep, that's what my boss wrote in my going away card.  He also said, "but you'll be welcomed back."  I really need to take stuff like this as a compliment but if people knew how much I question myself, especially on big decisions, they would know this is not a good thing to say to me.  When I left Treasury, I had a co-worker who said that I was making a mistake and he also made it personal, saying I was basically betraying my then boss.  Thankfully, no one has done that yet here.  Oh, and this week my boss also has made more than one reference to indentured servant-hood, bemoaning why it is no longer in existence.  Do you see what I'm dealing with here?  Every day someone tells me "it's not too late to change your mind." 

To be fair and balanced, I also have a number of folks, the ones I truly admire, that have said, good for you, good decision, you'll never regret it, you're really smart for doing this, etc.  And some great friends at work who understand and are celebrating with me.  The gal who is going to bear the brunt of my absence picked out some wonderful going away gifts for me - a DC hikes book, a gift certificate to Sports Authority, family friendly trail mix, tea, a mug that says "you rock," and some spa stuff (soap, nail polish, etc).  She said the hiking gifts were for spending time with my family and the spa gifts were for the "me" time that I will hopefully now have.  So sweet. 

We had a going away lunch today at Old Ebbitt and then cupcakes back at the office when they gave me the gifts and the card.  Yesterday was the 12 year anniversary of the start of my government career.  I feel a completeness at leaving at this time.  One of the major crisis programs that I worked on has no come to an end and I don't feel like I'm leaving mid-project on anything really. 

Only three days left in the office.  I will definitely miss the projects and coming into the city and the friends I have here.  But I'm sure I will be so busy with the kids and using my gifts in other areas of my life that I won't have much time for longing for the old days.  I suppose it is nice to know, however, that if I do decide to change my mind, I'll be welcomed back. 

It's official!

I'm quitting my job.  I told my boss today.  He took it okay.  Basically, he wasn't happy (I'm taking that as a compliment) but he understood.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the nervousness I've been feeling all summer is gone (at least for now until I have to start thinking about starting a business).

I'm sure I'm going to analyze things more (like people's reactions) so I'll post more thoughts later but for now it's off to Pine Springs Camp!

37

AAAAH, it's my birthday again.  How did that happen?

37.  I'm still in my mid-thirties!  I don't feel too old until I see a new mom at the pool or something.  I shouldn't perceive my age relative to my children's but seeing them getting older and more independent makes me feel older.  It brings a little sadness not be in the baby season.  But the seasons are a-changing all around and I'm excited to me moving into the next season of my career and home life.  Martin and I did have the conversation about me quitting and he thinks it's best for our family too so I'm going to quit on September 6th.  I won't tell my boss until August so I guess it's not official yet but I'm feeling good about it and not too afraid of telling him.    

I'm learning that when you have kids, having a birthday on a Saturday (which, by the way, has not happened for me since right before Martin and I started dating) is not the greatest thing.  Dylan was invited to 3 birthday parties tomorrow.  We are only going to one - my nephew's.  I told my sister it was okay to have his party on my birthday because if she would have had it the week before we would have been on vacation and missed it and we said one of the best things about living close was getting to come to each others' kids' birthday parties.  So we are going to my sister's tomorrow, which is good, she has pool and my parents will be there and my brother and his girlfriend so it will be nice for me too.  My coworkers are taking me out for lunch today and Martin and the kids are taking me out for dinner tonight.  My parents were at my house yesterday and they bought me an ice cream cake so we had that after dinner last night.  I kinda did a lot of my birthday traditions in March because of sales and an expiration of a gift card I had for a massage.  Martin bought me a kindle fire then which is my birthday-anniversary-Christmas-valentines day gift-mother's day gift.  My parents got me a case for it which they gave me last night.   So just lots of family time this birthday which is nice. 

I stayed up late last night finishing my book club book so I hoping to sleep in tomorrow and go to bed early.  Maybe watch a movie with my hubby when we get home from my sister's.  Low key but relaxing this year.  I usually take my birthday off from work and have some me time but I feel like I've had enough of that for now - too much thinking lately about my work and plans for setting up a business.  Time to just enjoy the summertime.

New Ambitions Part II

Well, Martin's contract was renewed!  He was finding out as I typed my blog entry on Friday.  I'm still giving him time to celebrate before making the final decision on my job plans.

Those of you who have been with my blog from the beginning know that I started out talking about career and ambition.  (I originally titled this post New Ambition, not even remembering that I had "New Ambitions" from 2005, so I renamed this one New Ambitions Part II.)  I think part of my struggle with quitting my current job (even though I want to) has been that I didn't want to be told I had no ambition.  I know there would be certain people, particularly co-workers from my current and previous jobs, who would say I was giving up a good career.  Oh, she had so much potential if she just would have stuck with it.  Especially, with so many people retiring from the government in the next 5 years.

I'm starting to see the narrow-sightedness of these statements.  First, why was I letting these people define my goals and ambitions for me.  Second, if in fact that's what they would say (considering I am putting words in their mouths) would they even be right?  I've now been around long enough to see so many folks plateau in their careers for years.  And I'm pretty sure that's even the normal scheme of things for 35-50 year-olds.  Third, even if I was promoted, I'd have to work more hours which I know I don't want to do.  Period.  Which takes me back to reason 1).   

Just because I've been on a certain career path for 12 years does not mean that I have to continue on that path.  Many highly successful jump around a lot and do completely different things on their career path.  Granted my jump is somewhat of a step back (less pay, doing something requiring less skill, fewer hours), but if I'm just going to plateau anyway, why not spend those years doing something I enjoy and that will let me be with my family more.  

About a year ago, a dear friend was bragging about me to a couple other women as we all sat in her kitchen.  She told the other women what I planned to do (which included eventually quitting my job) and then said (tongue in cheek) "I don't have over-achieving friends or anything..."  She definitely thought I was being ambitious even though I wasn't continuing up in my field.  What she said reinforced to me that the things I am thinking about doing are highly ambitious (!light bulb!) - taking classes, starting a business, advocating for a culture where part-time work is more accepted, helping those less fortunate through direct financial counseling.  Not to mention my family obligations and pursuits.  So success for me would be doing these things well and who cares if others think I am not ambitious and have a terrible work ethic (btw, when did those two things become the same in my mind....uhhh...) because they are looking at success very narrowly.

I'm sure you can tell through my writing that I'm still trying to convince myself of these things but I can tell you that I know I feeling more confident about it than I did 2 years ago.  Maybe part of that has to do with the fact that it's an easier time to quit since work isn't as busy as it was, but too I'm seeing more opportunities and getting more excited about my dreams outside of my government job.  Plus, with age, I have more feelings of "do it now or you never will and you don't want to miss your chance."

I guess the risk is getting back in if I want.  And I actually want to.  My long-term plan is to get a government job at the end my career to get the benefits (assuming Congress hasn't striped every last one of them away by then).  How long can I be gone and still get back in?  What kind of experience will I need to do in the meantime to allow me get back in as a GS-15?  I half joke that since I had experience from this most recent financial crisis, then I'll be valuable for when the next crisis comes around 15-20 years from now.  I think the important thing is just to do something.  So running a business or doing bookkeeping for a charity is something.     

I had a conversation with a younger family member not too long ago about my plans.  He asked the typical "why are you going to through your education away" type of question.  I know my answer is a good one but it still bothers me that that's a default reaction.  My answer was basically that I've used my degree for 12 years and it has paid off very well.  I keep telling people that I got my dream job pretty much right out of school.  Been there done that, now I'm moving on.  (Maybe it wasn't really my dream job since I want to leave or maybe your dream job just changes as you go.)

Thank you for reading about this topic (again) in my borderline non-coherent free typing blogging.  I'll keep you all updated. 

Just checking in....

Thought I'd just type a "how we are doing" post for those who check in with us through my blog.  The past 2+ months have been busy with the kids' activities - baseball, choir, piano for Dylan and finishing preschool for Lydia.  The kids are excited for their favorite summer activities - Pine Springs Camp and the church retreat, both coming up in August this year.  In two weeks we are going on our family vacation to PA and NY. 

For me, things have been strangely normal.  In contrast, this time last year I was starting counseling and going to the grief support group.  Our loss is not something we are really "dealing" with anymore.  Joshua is always a part of us and will be from now on but his loss is not an in-your-face kinda thing anymore. 

We still go to the cemetery about once a month - usually the 3rd or 4th weekend but not necessarily the 24th or 25th.  The kids still talk about Joshua.  Dylan asks questions and Lydia draws pictures of him.  (This says a lot about my first two children.)  Dylan asked me last week how we know that Joshua is in heaven since he never went to church or was baptized.  How he put that together I have no idea.  Having battled legalism for most of my Christian walk, I know we were careful not to tell our children that going to church or being baptized gets you into heaven.  He came to that on his own and I was quick to remind him that it is Jesus who saves us.

Dylan and Lydia are both really active and talkative these days.  Lydia is even starting to open up more and talking while other adults are around (something she wouldn't even think of doing 6 months ago).  One of Dylan's friends' mom heard Lydia yelling to Dylan the other day after a baseball game and she said "she talks!"  They are playing pretty well together too.

Our big thing now is waiting to see if Martin's company is going to win a new contract for the work that he does.  If they don't, he will need to find a new job within the company which is becoming increasingly difficult with the sequestration.  We hope to hear soon.  Assuming all goes well with Martin's job, I am looking to do something in 3 months I've been thinking about doing for the past 7 years - quit my job.  I'll still be doing something (taking classes and/or starting a business so I may not officially qualify as a stay-at-home-mom) but I'm looking forward to being able to manage our home with a more flexible schedule and hopefully get back into shape.  I also have grand allusions of doing the kids' baby books and organizing my office but I also know how quickly that "spare" time can fill up.  Some people think that I'll get bored if I don't work.  I think I'm at a point in my life that I can fill my time with meaningful and satisfying things without a job.  I'm not sure I could have done that 7 years ago.  I've gained a lot of experience and confidence in those 7 years that I didn't have before.  I'm even to the point where I'm not agonizing over telling my boss that I am quitting AS MUCH.  :)  I just started writing more about this and realized that I have a whole other blog entry worth of stuff to talk about here.  So I'll end now and continue on this last thought later. 

Death following me

On December 1st, I ended my post with a list of people who had died or were given a terminal prognosis.  Since then, a very dear friend's 21-year-old nephew died suddenly, a co-worker's 30-year-old nephew died suddenly, the mother of some friends from camp died, and my baby cousin with the terminal prognosis died.  Then my 42-year old brother-in-law died suddenly.  I had started to think that death was following me in December and by February I was almost paranoid.  I started calculating the major deaths in our family and how they occurred about every 7-8 months (my grandfather May 2008, Martin's grandmother December 2008, (skip), Martin's uncle June 2010, my grandmother March 2011, Joshua November 2011, my other grandmother July 2012,  and Martin's brother February 2013.  My friends from my bible study encouraged me not to think like that and prayed for me.  Maybe I was just noticing death more since I had been through grief (or maybe this is just a consequence of getting older except these weren't old people who were dying!).  Yet I still felt like I was around death more than others.  And I was a little wary of what's or who's next.

This Easter, the words of one song really stuck with me - "Resurrection Hymn (See What a Morning)" - where it says "death is dead."  Death is dead.  It can't come after me.  It can't follow me.  It's dead.  Christ conquered death on the cross and overcame it with His resurrection.  It is Jesus who is alive and who is following/pursuing me.  And He is good and has my best interests in mind.

Of course I will see more death in this life unless Christ returns soon.  But it's not because there is some evil, uninhibited, unyielding force of death smiting out people who know Heather Etner.  Nothing happens that is not controlled by Jesus.  I don't have to look over my shoulder or try to outrun death.  Death is dead.  Boo-yah.  Happy Easter.        

Lydia's first haircut

I started talking about cutting Lydia's hair after her 3rd birthday.  A year later we still hadn't cut it but the tangles were getting unmanageable.  Lydia said she wanted to get it cut.  I knew I wanted to donate her hair so in February I called to make an appointment at the place I had donated my hair 6 years ago right after Dylan was born.  It was a month before they had an open Saturday appointment.  Perfect, a month to prepare.  Well, I still cried at the first snip of the scissors.  Lydia donated 12 inches of hair to Locks of Love.  Here are the pictures from the big event.  

 The night before.

 The shampoo.

 Look at that length.

The first snip. 

Holding her ponytails.

 Super Cute!

 She loves the new do.

Lydia Update

Lydia turned four today.  There's not too much difference between her and Dylan developmentally now.  Lots of differences in personality.  I love being around people who don't know Lydia that well and having them tell me what she seems like to them.  That happened this fall when I visited my long time friend and mentor Lisa in Pittsburgh.  After observing Lydia play at a playground for a while (Dylan wasn't there), she said Lydia is tenacious, balanced, persistent, and determined.  I realized quickly that Lisa was totally right (as she is about most things).  Lydia doesn't give up easily and while she is willing to take risks, she thinks about the risk first.  Lydia also has a great sense of object permanence and knows where things are around the house (more than her father I must say).  She lost a stuffed animal at Sears this year and she still asks about it and whether or not the store is going to call us when they find the stuffed animal.  Lydia loves to be held, which I love.  She still sucks her thumb. We talk about trying to give it up but not taking any real action yet.  Lydia loves to be read to.  Her Sunday school teachers pointed that out to me before I noticed but she is always asking for us to read to her.  She has a few books memorized (like her Clifford book).

Highlights for the past year - taking a dance class (Jan - Mar), starting preschool two days a week (in September), giving up her naps (in August), riding a two-wheeler with training wheels (in September), and taking swimming lessons (in December).  We still haven't cut her hair.  At her doctor's appointment on Thursday we found out she gained 4 lbs (35lbs, 50th percentile) and grew 3 inches (38 inches, 10th percentile) this year.  She is very verbal at home but often gets shy around other adults.  We are working on saying good morning to her teachers when she goes to school.  A few weeks this fall she went through a really shy spell where she wouldn't even let anyone look at her, but I think she's back to just not talking now.  She's given up the "no me's" from last year but she often says "ooowhl but" when we ask her to something she doesn't want to do.    

Lydia has been a real trooper hanging out with me when I have to volunteer at Dylan's school.  We greet the kids as they come to school on Tuesday mornings and then we help in the library and with carpool on Tuesday afternoons.  Usually there is a class in the library while we are in there checking books in so she has be really quiet and she does great with that.

We don't get as much Mommy and Me time as we did earlier in the year before preschool started but we go for walks or to the library to read books while Dylan is at gymnastics.  And Lydia is still the best helper at the grocery store.  She like to help in the kitchen too.  On her birthday we did some baking and she really enjoyed that.

Lydia is really my buddy and my cuddler.  I love kissing her cheeks.  She is very sweet and says thank you without be prompted and sorry when she bumps into you.  Lydia is also very funny.  Sometimes without knowing it.  Many times during the day she will just make these random statements that are so funny.  Like "my pajamas have a button but Dylan's don't" when she not even wearing pajamas.  So that's what you think about huh Lydia.  Lots of times the things she says aren't really funny in themselves but she's got great delivery.  I really enjoy being around her and look forward to how she is going to grow in the coming year.

A week of anniversaries

As we were warned, the anticipation of Joshua's birthday and the anxiety that goes with that anticipation were much worse than the actual day.  In the days leading up to Joshua's birthday I saw the return of some of my grief "symptoms" (heart palpitations, moodiness, anger), but on the actual day we had a sweet time at the cemetery.  God answered my prayers about exactly how I wanted the time to go.  Not everyone came at once so I was able to visit with everyone who came yet there was a point where we had a critical mass so that Martin could speak a little and read Psalm 71 (a portion of which is on Joshua's gravestone) and then our pastor James prayed.  Some friends brought rose petals, one brought baby's breath, and another a wreath.  My friend Laura brought balloons which we released after we sang "Happy Birthday" to Joshua.  The kids asked if Joshua was celebrating in heaven and I said maybe but I think the real party would be the next day - the anniversary of the day he came to heaven.  The kids drew pictures for Joshua which we put in plastic bags and left by the grave.

After the cemetery we took my parents to the Peruvian chicken place by the cemetery (that was an adventure) and then later that night we went to the Walk of Lights at Meadowlark Gardens.  Here is a picture of us there.  It was so cold that day.    

I've been thinking about donating money for a tree at Meadowlark in honor of Joshua and so I may just do that and make the Walk of Lights a tradition for his birthday. 

Yesterday was the anniversary of the funeral so we watch the video.  That was the first time we did that.  It was good to be reminded of Butch's message:  You'll never fully understand why this happened on this side of heaven, God has not forsaken you, and Jesus is your greatest comfort.  It was also fun to watch Dylan playing with the rope on the pew and crawling on the floor the entire service, Lydia bonking her head and then after being comforted by my mom laying on Martin and sucking her thumb the rest of the service, and our friends' son Aidan's reaction to Butch's "you will die" comment.  I remember hearing his gasp and although you can't hear that on the video you can definitely see him abruptly look to his mom to see if that was true. 

Today is the last of the anniversaries.  The day we buried Joshua.  I went with the kids to the cemetery after taking them to a birthday party for one of Dylan's friends.  We sang Kum Ba Yah, which is translated Come by here.  This week I also learned of the death of a mother of 4 shortly after the birth of her son Joshua, my newborn cousin's diagnosis that means she will only be with us for a few weeks, and the death of my next door neighbor.  Oh Lord, Kum Ba Yah.  

Joshua Dietrich

Martin and I hadn't discussed names very much before we got Joshua's diagnosis.  We were waiting to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  But in previous name discussions during my first two pregnancies, Joshua had always come up for a boy name.  We ruled it out because it was too common and didn't want our child in a class with ten other kids with his name.  (The irony is that Dylan has probably encountered more Dylans (with various spellings) his age than Joshuas.)  After we got the diagnosis, we had a number of discussions about girl names but the boy name was easy.  He would be Joshua.  The discussion went something like this:  "I was thinking Joshua for a boy."  "I was thinking the exact same thing."  I think by the time we the discussion, we thought we were having a girl but with the uncertainty we knew we needed a boy name too.

Joshua's middle name came pretty easily too.  Martin had wanted Dylan's name to be Dylan Dietrich.  I vetoed the DD.  Plus, I didn't want to give our child two names that were unique (at least I thought Dylan was at the time) in case he want to use something not so unique later in life.  (Now Dylan actually says he wishes his name was Owen so I have no idea what I thought I was helping there.)  So Dietrich was always a middle name on our short list.  It honors Martin's German heritage and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great Christian theologian and martyr during the time of Nazis.  Again, one of us suggested it and the other agreed immediately.  Of course we ended up coming up with a great girl's name too (Kayla Hope) but that was a lot harder process.    

There was quite a bit of uncertainty as to whether our third child would be a boy or a girl.  Looking back now I see why.  Because of the Trisomy 18 and how that affected his weight and bone structure, it would have been very difficult to see that he was a boy since his body and hips were kinda folded in.  He was clearly a boy, but I don't know if any sonogram could have shown that.  One doctor (not a radiologist) said he couldn't see anything and that most Trisomy babies were girls so that's why we thought the possibility of having a girl was better than 50/50.  Dylan and Lydia protested at first when we told them this because they thought we were having a boy.  Turns out they were right.

I too thought we were having a boy before that doctor told us probably not.  I had what I would call a day-dream that I didn't seem to have total control over.  (Don't want to freak anyone out and say I had a vision.)  It was me imagining a grown man calling me mom.  I guess it was like we were meeting for the first time in heaven.  But why did I imagine a man an not a woman?  I can't tell you.  It was not a conscious decision.  That coupled with the ease of coming up with a boy name and the kids insisting it was a boy made me think/hope we were having a boy. 

Granted there would have been some good things about him being a girl - the bible verse we picked was based on the girls name we finally came up with.  Kayla means "Who is like God?" and that, along with the talk of hope and loving God from the womb, is found in Psalm 71 which we still used as Joshua's verse.  And Kayla would have keep with the trend in our kids of using Ys, Ls, and As in first names.  But I'm so glad we got to name him Joshua which means "the Lord Saves."  As demonstrated especially in Joshua's life, it is the Lord Jesus who saves us, not by any works of our own.  

 

Today we celebrate Joshua's home-going.  Because it is the Lord who saves, we have confidence that Joshua is in heaven with Jesus and thus we can celebrate.         

Joshua's Birth Story

The kids love to hear their birth stories. I told them after Joshua was born that I would have 3 stories to tell them. So now they ask for Joshua's birth story too. I feel like I've told a lot of the story through other posts or emails, and if you were at the funeral you got to read my nurse's recollection of the events. But here is the story in its entirety.

On Thanksgiving Day, we went to church in the morning. My parents and brother were visiting from Pennsylvania and so I sat in the back of the van with my mom and Dylan. When we got home, as I was climbing out of the van, I felt what I thought at the time was a false contraction. I was 37 weeks and 1 day along in the pregnancy at this point. I took it easy for a few minutes and the contraction went away so I started getting Thanksgiving dinner ready with my mom. My friend Amy arrived and we sat down to eat around 1pm. I started to feel something again while we were putting the food on the table but again, I just thought it was the type of thing that when you just sit down for a while it just goes away. We ate our meal and cleaned up, and then I sat in the kitchen talking with Amy for a while. After she left I started feeling more contractions so I said I should take it easy the rest of the day. At about 5pm, I sat down on the couch and didn't get up until my water broke at 9pm. While I was on the couch, I told my parents and Martin that I was feeling something but I was sure it wasn't labor. In my head, I remember being worried that this might lead to me going into labor sooner than expected - maybe the next day or the day after. I remember asking God, please, if we are going to do this soon, let's do it before my parents are in the middle of moving my brother (on Saturday). Well, that was another prayer He answered. I could tell my water was breaking about 3 seconds before it actually happened so I leaped from the couch to the hard wood floor (gotta protect the furniture and carpets!)  I remember almost shaking with fear but tried not to let it show.  I went upstairs to get cleaned up and finish packing my suitcase. We had procrastinated in putting the kids to bed that night so they were still up. We told them goodnight and that we were going to the hospital to have the baby. I asked Dylan to pray for us.

On the way to the hospital we called our friends from our home fellowship group, Krista, Jan, and Lisa. They made some phone calls for us and started praying. Unbeknownst to us at the time, they came to the hospital to pray there and had called our senior pastor who left his family gathering in central VA to come to the hospital too. We arrived at the hospital just before 10pm.

We signed in at the ER and were escorted upstairs.  We saw Dr. Pereira on our way into the triage room.  She joined us after I changed and the nurses (I was introduced to 2 or 3 but Cat was to be "my nurse") got me hooked up to the ultrasound.  The baby was still breech.  Next question:  when was the last time you ate?  I said 7:30pm because I had had a turkey sandwich about that time but I hadn't eaten much.  Supposedly, they want you to wait 6 hours after eating to have surgery because you could aspirate.  I still don't understand all that since I had a spinal and was never "under" but the waiting period became moot anyway.  At that point we were thinking C-section around 1:30am but all the prep needed to start soon.  So they walk me over to room 1, and I go to the bathroom before they start hooking me up to all the machines.  The anesthesiologist comes in to do her pre-op.  I'm still in the bathroom so Martin tries to answer the questions.  I come back out and Cat starts checking heartbeats, some guy comes and takes my blood, I try to call my mom to update her on what's happening, they are bringing Martin his surgery clothes, and another nurse hooks up my IV to the back of my hand which someone told me later was a weird place to put it, but it turns out it was just this nurse's way of doing it.  So a lot is going on.  I didn't realize it at the time but even at this point there was some concern with the baby's heartbeat - dipping low for a minute and then going back up.  The anesthesiologist comes back and I finish answering the questions including telling her my wisdom teeth story about speaking Spanish when I work up (the only time I've been "under" in my life).  I felt another gush and the nurse checked and I was bleeding.  So because of that and the heart rate concerns they decided to move the c-section up.  It was about 11:20pm.

They wheel me into the operating room about 15-20 minutes later but Martin wasn't allowed in yet. I'm wondering where he is because I didn't know he couldn't come in.  I'd never been in an operating room before.  The room was so white and bright with lots of cold, silver metal.  It's time for the local.  (Remember I went through a non-medicated birth with Dylan to avoid this part although I did have an epidural with Lydia.)  There are a bunch of nurses in the room that I don't know and all seem to be working pretty quickly.  One holds me while I'm holding a pillow as the anesthesiologist is doing the local.  Martin wasn't there, and I have never been more scared in all my life.  Not just for what was happening to me but for what was happening to my child.  I knew that even though this was the moment of his/her birth, this also meant the end was near for his/her life.   

After they got the needle in my back, I lay down on the table and there's another surge of blood with clots.  Later we found out that the bleeding was because I had "placental abruption" - basically the placenta broke away from the uterus.  They checked the baby's heartbeat and it was low and not going back up.  Time for the hurry-up offense.  I remember the nurse asking someone "do you want to do [x]" and the answer was "no, just [y]" but I either don't remember or didn't understand what they meant.  I think it might have been that instead of the normal antiseptic, the nurse sprayed my abdomen with something.  After that the curtain went up, Martin came in (he was the only man in the room), and we were just left to wonder what was going on.  I remember telling Martin that it felt so weird.  My lower body was moving from side to side and it felt like the doctor was pushing and pulling roughly but I didn't feel any pain.  I realized my sciatic pain that I had had for weeks was gone.

Next thing we knew someone yells 23-58.  It took me a while to process but I realized that was the time.  My baby was born at 11:58pm.  Martin and I looked over to the table where the doctors were examining our child.  We saw the scale said 2.3 lbs.  The baby doctor and Cat discuss the fact that he was a boy and that we only thought it might be a girl.  Cat tells us its a boy.  Martin says his name - it's Joshua Dietrich.

The baby doctor hands Joshua over to Martin.  The doctor tells us she agrees with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis and that Joshua's apgars were 1 and 2. She asks if we have any questions. I forget everything I wanted to ask. Martin asks how long she thought we had. She says a couple hours, maybe. Cat takes a picture. That will come to be the only picture we have of Joshua alive. It's the one I posted on this blog announcing Joshua's birth.

Martin and I have a sweet time with him in the operating room. Martin held him and I held his tiny head in my hand. Martin spoke to him about the people who loved him including his Savior and on cue after Martin finished a sentence, Joshua nodded his head while taking a breath. Martin told him about Jesus and prayed over him. We told him about his family - his big brother and his big sister, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins. We sang hymns and praise songs.

At about 12:45am as we are leaving the operating room, we realize Joshua hasn't taken a breath in a long time.

We get to the recovery room and Cat tells us about our visitors. She asks how much time we want alone. We say to give us 10 minutes. I call my family to tell them what happened. Our friend Ted and our pastor John walk in. I felt so honored that our senior pastor would be there especially on a holiday and that late at night. John prays for us. Krista, Jan, and Lisa come in. They had been there praying the entire time. Lisa offers to go to our house to stay with the kids so my family can come and see us.

The baby doctor evaluated Joshua at 1:15am and officially pronounces him gone. Cat helped me unwrap Joshua so I could see his entire body. She takes him next door for photos, footprints, and measurements.  I get moved to delivery room 13 instead of a post partum room - this is the room where Dylan was born.  My Mom and Dad and my brother Justin arrive.  Cat brings Joshua back.  John is still there and prays again.  Everyone leaves by 3:30am.  Cat gave us a memory box with the photos and other mementos.  (Cat was such a great nurse.  There are certain nurses at that hospital who volunteer for deliveries like mine.  She had seen this type of thing before and knew exactly what to do and say.  She knew we would want to have as many things as possible to keep from our time with Joshua.)

After that we try to sleep.  We lay Joshua in the bassinet by my bed.  At 6am I wake up and want to hold him.  He's cold.

At 7:30am I get a new nurse - Diana.  She was the perfect person to have that day.  She was a Christian and she was very nice and sympathetic.  She and Cat called the Now I Lay My Down To Sleep photographer who came around 10 or 11am to take pictures.

After the pictures, Martin says it's time.  I say "for what?"  He meant for Joshua's body to go to the morgue.  I was definitely not ready for that.  Diana realized that and allowed us to take our time.  When Martin convinced me it was time, Diana was great and made sure we knew what was going to happen and where his body would be.  To say that seeing him being wheeled out of that room was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life is an understatement.

Later that day, Martin went home and he brought Dylan and Lydia and my mom to visit. One of our other pastors (James) also came to see me.  At 7:30pm when I got my new nurse, she said I had to get up and walk before I went to bed.  The next day, the new nurse said I had to take a shower that day.  I thought they were both crazy.  But strangely I recovered quickly and was able to do both those things.  The third and last night I was there, Cat was back.  She requested to be my nurse again.  (Since I was not moved to the post-partum area, I had labor and delivery nurses my entire 3 day stay.)  That night I asked her to write down how she remembered the events of Joshua's birth because the timing of everything was a blur and I wanted to make sure I remembered as much as I could.  She honored my request and even added a message at the end about how strong she thought I was.

Looking back I can say it was only by the grace of God, poured out to us in a sufficient and great amount measured by the difficulty of our situation, that got us through.  It is by that grace that I will get through today and all the days to come.  

Thanksgiving and Rememberance

While today is not Joshua's birthday, Thanksgiving will always be a day that we remember Joshua and give thanks for his life as well as the many other blessings in our life.

As part of the celebration of Joshua's life that we will be doing this week, I've decided to complete some of my long over due posts including Joshua's birth story and how we picked his name and my thoughts on whether he was going to be a boy or girl.

Thank you all for continuing to walk with us in our journey of grief and supporting us with your prayers.  It means so much to us when someone remembers Joshua especially now as we look back over the events from a year ago.  Blessings to all! 

Dylan update

Dylan turns 6 today.  I think 6 is hitting me harder than 5.  Something about not being 5 and under or being definitely "school-aged" makes it sound so old.  My first born is growing up.  He will now require his own metro pass.

Starting Kindergarten has been the big event in Dylan's life this past year.  He's also lost 4 teeth, grown 2.25  inches (which the doctor said was above average), and gained 2 pounds (below the 5 pound average).  At our annual trip to Kings Dominion in September he got to ride rides with a 44-inch height requirement which included more roller coasters.

In Kindergarten Dylan is mostly working on writing his letters.  He has improved on writing his "y"s and I now see him using more lower-case letters where appropriate.  Kindergarten has been a big adjustment mostly in that Dylan doesn't have as much time to do what he wants as he used to.  He likes Kindergarten when he's there and has made friends and is doing well.  He often says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like the school but I think that is just an outgrowth of the lost sense of freedom.

Dylan also began taking piano lessons this fall.  He knows 5 pieces now.  Practicing is a struggle, I think for the reasons cited above.  But once Dylan gets a composition down, he is so excited.

Dylan has also began gymnastics this year and seems to really like it.  In the spring he went an hour a week and now he's going two hours a week.  He has really good balance and is learning cartwheels and how to swing around the bars.

Dylan took 8 weeks of swim lessons this spring and continued to improve his swimming skills at the pool this summer.  He was able to swim across the the length of the pool without stopping and tread water for 30 seconds which allowed him the privilege of swimming in the deep end and going off the diving board which he was so excited about.  I actually feel more safe with him in the diving pool than I do when he's in the 5 feet deep because in the diving pool he's always closer to an edge or a lifeguard.

I've seen a lot of evidence of strong emotional maturity in Dylan this year.  He often talks freely about his feeling about Joshua's death and about other things that most 6-year-olds don't typically talk about.  He hugs and kisses me and Martin and Lydia when he says bye to us.  When he's angry he says "I'm angry, I feel like breaking something."  While we still have to deal with why he gets so angry so often (like when his sister wants the same thing for breakfast that he does) at least he's making some verbal expression which at least gives us a warning before he goes and does break something.

We got a Wii in April (feels like a lot longer than that) and Dylan plays Mario Kart pretty much every day.  He's pretty much obsessed with it which is something else we are dealing with.  He now has PJs, a backpack, and a lunchbox that are all Mario Kart.

Surprisingly, Dylan is still into Thomas the Train.  There are two Thomas movies that came out in recent years and he's still excited about those.  I even bought him a new train for his birthday.  He also likes being read to, hiking, riding his bike, and having playdates.

Recently Dylan has become more amenable to doing crafts and coloring.  He often draws a picture and then wants tape to hang it on the wall.  It's great to see him have more confidence in more fine motor things.

Dylan loves hanging out with his friends from school and church as well as the kids in the neighborhood.  But its hard for anyone to beat time with his cousins.  That's good because my sister and her family moved to MD this year and Dylan has loved hanging out with them more.  They even lived with us for a few weeks so that was another highlight of Dylan's year.  Steven, Zak, and Eli also joined us on trips to the air and space museum and the zoo.  And Dylan went with them to visit Grandma and Grandpap one weekend (boys weekend!).  Let's just say my parents really missed Lydia.

Our family vacation to VT and NY this year proved that there is no end to Dylan's energy.  We hiked 12 miles over 8 days not including the walking we did when we were site-seeing.  He never complained about being tired.  I figured that was a good test to see how Kindergarten would go.  Still not tired from school either.  Some days he's hard to wake up but after he gets going, it's hard to stop him.   

11 months

I won't be going to the cemetery again today.  Again, just because today was an all day work day and we have Bible Study tonight.  I would like to go on Sunday but if not I'll try to go next weekend. 

I didn't have much to talk with my counselor about last time so I told her I would call her if I needed to see her again but for now I wouldn't schedule anymore appointments.  We'll see how things go with Joshua's birthday and the holidays.  I still feel a heart palpitation here and there but nothing to concern me.  I went to the dentist last week and was reminded that I was having neck and jaw strain 6 months ago too which has now subsided. 

Life is real busy now.  School and activities keep our attention focused on other things rather than our loss.  The kids still talk about Joshua but nothing heart wrenching this month.  The initial "telling our story" that I had to do with some of the new people I've met through the kids' schools seems to be over although this month I did recount our story to a few people who didn't know including some long-time friends who I hadn't seen in 4 year and who didn't get our Christmas card last year.  Sometimes it feels easier.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say.  I feel like I'm dropping a bomb on someone who most of the time has no idea how to respond.  Then I worry about what they think of me that I'm not crying or maybe they think I have a weird smirk because I'm trying to show them I'm okay by smiling but not really.  Not sure I'll ever get this down.  But I do desire that Joshua's story will glorify God so I feel like I should get down what I want to communicate when I talk about Joshua.  


I've actually had some time since work has slowed down to prepare some of the blog entries that I've wanted to write since last year and design these pictures of the kids when they were newborns with their bible verses on them.  All three of them.  I kinda stumbled onto this in the mist of my busyness.  I had some random pictures on Kodak's website which got transferred to Shutterfly this summer (I think Shutterfly bought them out or something).  I got an email from Shutterfly this week and I thought I should try to make sure my pics were there.  After doing that and looking around their website a little, I found that I can do what I wanted to make on their website (I couldn't on Snapfish which is what I usually use).  And they have 20 percent off right now.  And the pictures will be on canvas.  So guess what I stayed up to 11pm doing one night?

I'll post the blog entries as part of Joshua's birthday celebration next month.  Right now I'm thinking that we'll invite some folks to come to the cemetery with us that day and have the kids make something for Joshua.  One suggestion we got from the retreat we went to in September was that we make sure and plan to do something that day and not just let it pass by.  Also, we were told the dread of the day approaching is much worse than the actual day.  I'm not sure I'm dreading that day but just dreading people forgetting or not recognizing our loss after that day.  Like, it's been a year, get over it.  Not that anyone would say that but it's just not going to be something that's on a lot of people's minds.  Joshua will always be on the hearts of our closest friends and family who support us and I guess that's all that matters and all I really expect but as has been the case throughout my whole journey of grief I always seem to be afraid of forgetting.
 
A number of folks though have already been recognizing that we're coming up on one year and I've been thankful for them.  And for our friends who lost their daughter at 28-weeks a few weeks after Joshua was born.  We had lunch with them on Sunday and swapped stories of how we and our other children are continuing to cope.      

One year is a milestone in the journey not the destination, which we won't see until eternity.   

10 months

I didn't go to the cemetery today.  Not because of what my counselor said.  This was actually the first time the 24th has fallen on a day of the week that I go into the office.  I could have gone after work but I didn't feel like I needed to.  Plus, we made an unexpected stop at the cemetery on the 15th so I at least went once this month.  We were hiking along the Potomac and the kids were tired so we decided to cut our time a little short.  But I had also wanted to visit a co-worker of mine who just had surgery.  She lives out in Loudon Co. and since we were "out west" already I figured we'd go straight from hiking.  The GPS took I straight down the Fairfax Co. Parkway which comes within a half mile of the cemetery at one point.  So we stopped.  Dylan and Lydia had fallen asleep in the car so we just left them sleep and Martin and I got out of the van and went to the grave.  When we got back in the van, we looked back at Dylan.  He was sleeping with his mouth open.  He looked like Joshua did.  It was such a sweet moment.  Like heaven reaching down so we could connect in a small way with Joshua.  What a blessing.

Last Friday we had family movie night and watched We Bought A Zoo.  In the movie, the mother has died and the dad struggles with his own grief and trying to be a good father.  At a number of points in the movie you see the mom, kinda in the dad's memory shown on screen.  After the movie was over, Dylan and Lydia were asking if she was really dead.  We said yes but that the dad was remembering her in his mind and pretending that she was there that's what we were seeing on the screen.  Dylan then held his arms up like he was rocking a baby and said that he was thinking about Joshua and pretending that he was holding him.  It was so sweet.  I cried then and then later that night after the kids went to bed.  I know that in a sense this whole experience is good for the kids in that he helps them express emotion and learn about things they normally wouldn't but at the same time I'm sad for them and all they have gone through and will continue to go through in their lives.  They don't seem upset or in pain so I shouldn't be concerned but I still feel for them.    
 
I'm still seeing my counselor.  I was going to call it quits after our last session on the 14th but I felt like I don't have any time to sit and process so it would be good for me to continue just to make sure I process and check in.  Life has gotten so busy especially with the kids starting school.  And I have a project that I'm working on for work that has been taking up a lot of time.  In my life even grieving and processing need to be intentionally planned.   

Which is why it was so good for us to go on that retreat for couples who have lost children earlier this month.  It was a sad but good time.  It was comforting to be with people who you know understand.  The stories were heartbreaking though.  Half of the weekend is just listening to the parents tell their stories.  It was also a good time for Martin and I to connect and think about how we are dealing with things as a couple.  We met some great folks from all over the country.  They encouraged us by giving us compliments from a strangers' point of view (like one person said I had an engaging smile and another admired our reliance on Scripture).  They also renewed my hope in the Kingdom - God is doing great things in all our lives in the mist of our pain.  And I know it's the same God working in all our lives because they come to the same conclusions or viewpoint that we do.  While the weekend was emotionally exhausting and we missed Dylan and Lydia, Martin and I felt like we could have spent even more time with this folks.  I've been able to connect on facebook with some of them and hope to keep in touch.   

First day of school pictures

Dylan Kindergarten Lorien Wood 9/5/12

Lydia Preschool Vienna Baptist Children's Center 9/13/12

9 months

We went to Joshua's grave site today on our way to our church retreat.  I think this might have been the first time we didn't take any pictures.  We were all there this time and we sang and prayed.

I'm still seeing my counselor but I only may go one more time to debrief after the retreat that Martin and I are going on next weekend.  It's for couples who have lost children.  The organizers lost two children.  In addition to leading these retreats, they are also connected with Griefshare, the support group at my church.  I  finished up Griefshare earlier this month.

I told my counselor that I was going to Joshua's grave on the 24th of every month and she said that at some point she hopes that I'm healed enough that I won't have to do that.  Not sure how I feel about that.  Is that really what healing is?  I think I go as a way to honor Joshua's life because it's something I can do.  Is that bad, does that mean that I'm not healed?  If that's what that means, do I want to be healed?  I told her I had only planned on doing that for the first year and she said she thought that was appropriate.  Yet, even then I'm still going to have this desire to honor Joshua's life in a tangible way on a regular basis.  I feel like I need some sort of prompting like an anniversary to make sure I make it happen because life has a tendency to get away from me pretty quickly.  Anything that's not intention is not usually completed aside from checking Facebook.  But on the other hand am I going to the cemetery to prove my love for Joshua or to visibly honor his life in front of others, namely my other children.  Like most things in life, motive is everything.  Am I going because I *need* to go or need to prove something?  What exactly are good reasons for going?  These are just some things going around in my head these days.

Highlights of our vacation to VT and the Adirondacks

 Right outside the cabin we stayed in the first two nights.

 My husband's idea of a good hike.

 Farm on Lake Champlain

 Lake Champlain

 Even mountain folk like us hit the beach every once in while.

 Lake Placid

 We exhausted the children on this vacation.

 View of Lake Placid.

 Whiteface Mountain before the clouds completed blocked the view.

Mount Jo.

8 months

It was just me and Dylan and Lydia at the cemetery this month.  Dylan and Lydia sang lots of songs for Joshua.  Complete with hand motions.  They asked me to take a video which I did.  That was a surreal moment - videotaping happy kids singing in a cemetery.  There wasn't anyone around but I still felt a little silly.  Kids can do things that if adults did they might be accused of being disrespectful.  But really, I think they have the right idea.

I think something ate the orange flowers that I planted behind the stone last month.  At least that's what I hoped happened.  The rain must have taken care of the mud on the stone too because it looked better than last time.  I brought water to clean the grooves but it was fine the way it was.  There was another grave added since the last time we were there.  So sad.  Joshua was the 3rd one in this newer infant section and now there are about 6.

Love you bushels Grandma!

My grandmother, Grandma Zackal, passed away on July 6th.  She was my last living grandparent.  We got to see her about a month before she died when we were in PA and took this picture.  My parents said it was one of her last good days.  Her funeral was last Tuesday.  I was struck by the number of people who came up to me at the funeral home and said what a happy, positive, delightful, joyful woman my grandmother was.  It was such a blessing to hear that.  While I wouldn't disagree with those who said that, I often saw my grandmother worrying.  I know that was an outgrowth of her love and care and thoughtfulness of us.  But it was good to have the affirmation of my grandmother's joyous side too.  On of my favorite memories of my grandmother was how she used to tell us that she loved us bushels and bushels and bushels and bushels.  I told Lydia the other night and that I loved her bushels and bushels and without missing a beat she said I love you bushels and bushels back to me.  I don't even think she knows what a bushel is, as I know I didn't when my grandmother first started telling me that, but I think she got the point nonetheless and so did I.