Week 6 update

Today, November 20th, I had my first doctor's appointment.  I met with the PA and really liked her.  She knew my chart and I didn't have to repeat sad details that she should have known because she was on top of it.

I'm not having too much anxiety about the pregnancy which is good.  I'm a lot healthier than I was going in last time for what that's worth.  But at first I was going to snub all the "rules" (within reason) like no alcohol, no hot tub, no soft cheese, but then that cause some anxious feelings so I'm going to stick to the rules... : )

I still won't have a amnio or a CVS test but there are some blood screens that I could have and it would be nice to get some good results from those before we start telling more people.  I found out more about a new non-evasive genetic blood screen (but it's pretty close to a test) at the appointment today.  They take the mom's blood and can separate out the baby's genetic material to determine if there are any genetic disorders.  With my risk factors (age and previous genetic issue) the insurance should pay for it.  It can be done as early as 9 weeks and it takes 1 week to get the results so it looks like we'll be able to know right before Christmas.  Assuming good results, we'll tell our families and the kids on Christmas.  

I'll go back to the doctor in 2 weeks for an ultrasound.  At this ultrasound, Joshua was measuring really small already (10 or so days behind) so for us, if this baby is measuring on time, we will take that as a very good sign,

I think I started to having a little bit of morning sickness on Saturday.  It started just before and after lunch.  I think I waited too long to eat and then had maybe too much at once.  I remember that happening before.  I felt sick if I didn't eat but then I also felt sick if I did eat.  Need to remember small and frequent meals.  I'm also starting feeling tired earlier than usually (6,7,8 pm instead of 9 or 10 pm).

I've been keeping up with my exercising that I've been doing since I quit work.  Aerobics with some weights twice a week and then swimming once a week.  Hoping to keep that up as long as possible.

On being (mostly) out of the workforce

When most people ask me how my voluntary unemployment is going I say that I like it and I'm still busy.  All true.  But here's the longer answer.

I still base how well my life is going on how many things I'm getting done.  So I keep having to remind myself of all the things I'm doing that aren't on any list to cross off or are less concrete.  I'm exercising again and losing weight (slowly) but more importantly that's keeping me healthy.  I can even put that on a list - a goal list.  Our life is less hectic, particularly during dinnertime (goal, check).  This is the first year that Dylan has had homework and with that and piano lessons/practice, getting home at 6:30pm three days a week and trying to do dinner and getting the kids in bed by 8pm would have been crazy.  Now we have time for family worship after dinner and some wrestling time with daddy.  And Martin is less stressed and doesn't have to cook dinner as much.

I've gotten to do some things that I was never able to do before - take Lydia on playdates with her friends from school, go on the annual trip to Cox farms with Dylan's school, take Lydia to the Frying Pan Park, have time for the kids to just be home and play, be around for Dylan to have playdates with the neighbors, and have time for last minute shopping trips when I forget to get a gift for someone.  Things are a lot less stressful as far as our schedule.  I spend a lot of time at the playground.  My kids are enjoying the outdoors (a priority for our family) and I'm being available to connect with people there.

And as I recently read in Simplicity Parenting, it's this downtime where real connection with your children are made.  These intangibles (being more healthy, more quality time, etc.) are hard things for this to do list person.

I got a bunch of little projects done and even some work on a big project in that first month after I quit.  But life fills up quick and even things that I agree to that I don't think will take much of my time end up do taking time.  Plus, I'm not very disciplined.  If I have 20 minutes before going to pick up the kids, I'm not going to read or clean a bathroom or file papers, I'm going to check facebook.  Some of the best advice I ever got was to chop up every job until 15 minute chunks.  That's the way to get things done.  Then, even when you have a few minutes, you make progress.  

I've decided to inject a little more structure into my 12 hours per week that the kids are in school so that I can see more fruit.  I'm going to take 3 classes in the spring.  So hopefully I will feel more of an urgency to be diligent about my school work.  I think I can handle the load because I've had the prof already and she is easy and the other classes don't have any prereqs and are usually taken as 8 week classes and I'm going to take them as 16 week classes.

But mostly I just need to enjoy this time that I'm in.  And I need to celebrate progress and not focus on what's not done.

I realized that there were a lot of things that I was doing at work and know I have to do them at home so I didn't gain quite as much time as I thought I might.  And I do miss work and the issues and the people.  I went to a meeting for something at Dylan's school and I was so into it and feeling like I was back in the game again.  So it's hard when you like both (or many) things, determining how to spend your time.  If I could do work for 15 hours per week, when I wanted to do that work (no set hours), I'd be working now.  The 30 hours per week scheduled work hours was too much but I'd love to find another arrangement to get back in the game.  All in good time.  Just going to enjoy this season for now.  It's a good one.  

Baby #4 due to arrive in July

I found out today (November 6th, our anniversary) that I'm pregnant with our fourth child.  Yea!!!  So excited.  Happy anniversary to us!  Sweet November!

You won't be reading this until January because we decided not to tell the kids until Christmas.  Well, we decide not to tell our families until Christmas and you can't tell a 7 year old and 4 year old a secret.

This is the first time I've really felt the profoundness of the decision we made to have a child.  Dylan wasn't planned and the decisions to have Lydia and Joshua were just sort of what came next.  This time we had to think hard about whether we wanted another child.  God is sovereign but I still I felt the weight of the decision in the sense that we would be changing the course of our lives forever.  That's exciting and weighty to me.

So the due date is July 16th and since all the rest of our kids were born within a day of a holiday and were early I'm expecting this little on on July 5th.  God's timing is great.  The big kids will be out of school and done with most of their activities for the summer and I won't have too much on my plate with school stuff.  I'm taking classes in the spring semester but they will be done in early May.  Still hoping to go to Moms and Tots at Pine Springs Camp in early/mid June but that might be pushing it.  And of course I couldn't go through a pregnancy with how it affects my work schedule so I'm hoping that the contract work I was hoping to do with the FDIC is still doable.  It is nice to not be working and not have that stress of going to work with morning sickness or telling the boss.  Also, having done this before a few times, it's nice to be able to just focus on praying for my child and dreaming about having a newborn rather than the other concerns that I thought about the other times (like what can/can't I do/eat/etc, planning, shopping, and work issues).  

I'm exciting about bringing a baby home to this house.  THEN it will be our house.

Another thing I'm excited about is that I think having another child after losing one is going to give me more opportunities to talk about Joshua which I love.  People tend to ask pregnant women more questions about their families (what number is this?  how were your other pregnancies? etc.) so I'll get opportunities to honor my third child as well and be excited for the new baby.  And at church the announcement will say "expecting their fourth child."  

I'm excited that Lydia will be home with me on Fridays next school year (K is only 4 days a week at their school) so I can get those special times of me taking care the baby and she helping or mimicking me by caring for her dolls.

And I get to finish the LHOTP series!  I read the first 3 books to Dylan and the second 3 books to Lydia so I need to finish the last 3.  And I'm excited to have a baby close in age to some friends who have had babies recently.

I'm also excited for the challenge of caring for a newborn and having two school-aged kids with all their running around and activities.  Given the high priority I place on breastfeeding and sleep (for the child) this is certainly a challenge.

Going to try to keep up with the blogging every week or every other week throughout the pregnancy.

Meet the newest members of the Etner Clan

Dylan Jr. and Delta.

We got out of the pet store without too much damage.  We contemplated a guinea pig but it would have been a lot of expense and work and so we were fortunate that Dylan was glad to get some fish.

Seven Years Old!

Happy Birthday to our first-born! Dylan has had many accomplishments this year.  The highlight was playing on a baseball team for the first time.  Dylan continues to practice baseball in the back yard even now in the off season. Dylan also performed in his first piano recital with gusto!  He played one of the hardest pieces that he learned all year and played it with authority.  He has a really good ear and picks up most pieces by ear fairly quickly.  But don't ask him if he likes piano.

Another major accomplishment was learning how to read.  Dylan is pretty proficient but still prefers me to read to him at night.  Over the summer he participated in the county library's reading program and had added incentive from Daddy - read 100 books and you can go to an amusement park!  Dylan went above and beyond that incentive.  His favorites were Hi Fly Guy and Don't let the Pigeon Drive the Bus.  Dylan had a really smooth transition to 1st grade and the 5 day school week.  First grade brought home work for the first time as well as spelling tests.  In a class of 80 percent boys, he enjoys going to school each day and says that school is easy.  We have yet to find an end to his energy and recently Martin explained to someone that Dylan is just so much of an extrovert that he gets more energized by going to school and being around people so school doesn't tire him out.

I know Dylan has grow a bunch this year since he is eating more and his pants don't fit (lengthwise, of course) but we won't get the official measurement until December when he goes for his check up (I called a month in advance and still had to take an appointment 6 weeks after his birthday.)

Dylan has now lost a total of 8 teeth so four more since his birthday last year.  He was without his front teeth for most of the holiday season last year.  He still has two holes on top waiting for the other two top teeth to come in.  

Dylan is still very much into Wii and the Skylanders game that he got last birthday.  He and his friends often pretend play Skylanders.  Dylan has also taken to building things with wood in the back yard and still enjoys climbing trees.  He's all boy.

Last year Dylan asked for a pet.  I told him we could get one when he's seven.  Well, he hasn't forgotten so tonight after dinner at Chipotle (his pick) we will head over to Petco in search of a family pet.  I'm hoping we find something that's not too much work.  Thinking like a fish or water frog or maybe a gerbil or a lizard.  Stay tuned.

License to Consult

I'm officially a business.  I obtained my business license from the town this week.  (Don't get me started on the ridiculousness of the bureaucracy, but I have to mention that I had to get an occupancy permit to sit at my personal computer in my personal house and earn money.)  The license says "consulting."  So feel free to consult me on anything you'd like...:)  I guess I put too many things on the application...wedding coordinating, government contracting, bookkeeping.  I may not be doing as much bookkeeping as soon as I hoped.  I found out recently that I need the equivalent of one year full time experience working in accounting before I can get my CPA license.  And working for yourself does not count.  I need to get that experience in a maximum time period of three years.  In other words, I can't work 10 hours per week for 4 years.  But I may be able to do 10 hours per week for 2 years and then 20 hours per week for 1 year.  So if I'm going to need to do that I'm not sure I can also run a bookkeeping business on the side.  But I'm still feeling like there are lots of opportunities out there.  I may just take a client or two to get my feet wet and then go work for someone else for a while.  But now I have the license to do that.

Of course I may go to work for my former employer for a while too.  My former boss called me about a week ago.  He asked me how I was liking staying home.  After I told him I was enjoying myself, he said, I was afraid of that.  But as long as I have a task that I can do from home I may start contracting back to them next year.  Or I might start getting my experience for the CPA.  Still lots of opportunities.
I'm not bored at home though.  That's for sure.  I've been exercising consistently for about 2 week which is great.  Then I have my class work and volunteering and between those and just the normal day to day stuff, which includes lots of playground time with the kids these days, I barely have time for the projects I've been hoping to get done.  But I do have a little time each week, I just need to be diligent about it.

Experiencing redemption

In my walk with grief, I've found that hearing tearful but joyful stories of God's redemption are really good for my soul.  This has led me to become more involved in a ministry to the unborn at Assist Crisis Pregnancy Center.  On Thursday October 3rd, Assist will have their annual banquet and the speaker will be my OB/GYN Dr. John Bruchalski.  Dr. B founded the Tepeyac Family Center, an OB/GYN practice that assists women in crisis pregnancies or those with financial difficulties, a lack of health insurance, or other special circumstances, providing them with access to the same excellent medical services that are available to their other patients.  In addition, Tepeyac provides hospice care for unborn children with terminal prognoses like Joshua.  After losing Joshua, I have a renewed heart for the women facing crisis pregnancies of all kinds and their babies.  In a small way, I've been there.  Hearing the stories of lives saved and women restored is so encouraging to me now and if you are in the area, I would like to invite you come with me to the banquet.  There is no cost to attend the banquet but an offering will be taken.  Click here to register or contact me directly.  You can also check out Assist's website here.

What a great week!

My first week of unemployment has been great!  Even that first Saturday was good because I didn't feel like I need to get everything done that day before the week started again.  On Monday I took Lydia to the teddy bear festival on the town green and we met up with some preschool friends there and had lunch at Whole Foods.  It was great talking to the mom and just feeling like I could be present without worrying about getting back to get my work hours in.  Lydia came home and at one point we were dancing and twirling in the kitchen and just having fun.  There were so many of those little moments this week.  Like seeing Dylan right when he comes home from school and just coming home after school and not running to do other things.  I read a book to the kids when Dylan came home and we practiced piano before dinner, which I made.  I also did a lot of little chores that I never seemed to have time for.  AND that was just the first day.  Later in the week I was able to call a friend who just had a baby just to check on how she was doing and I was available for another friend who wanted to bounce an idea off of me and felt like she was more free to call me now that she knows I wasn't working.  Our dinner time is not as rushed and we actually had some family worship time while the kids were finishing eating.  Even Martin said, "I feel like I should be doing something" one day when he came home but there was nothing else that he needed to do except play with the kids.  We just have some much more time now.  I'm sure it will fill up but for now I'm just going to enjoy this new pace.

I only had a tinge of "what is my purpose/value?" thinking. And maybe a tiny worry when I realized that every single car expense we have other than gas hits in the month of October, my first month without a paycheck.  Oh, and I realized that the mommy guilt really doesn't go away because now I just feel guilty for letting my kids watch TV or for checking facebook when they are awake.

So, on balance, just a great week and feeling so blessed that I am able to do this.  

Last Day

Today's my last day at the FDIC.  Lots of mixed emotions.  I'm definitely happy and excited and a number of people have told me how happy I look.  I'm also nervous and a little sad.  Sad to be saying goodbye to my co-workers and my projects.  Nervous about future decisions and being able to get a job again.  I'm been trying to firm up some connections and opportunities before I go so that has me thinking about the future and that brings the anxiety.  So I have new opportunities to trust God with the future. 

It's also hard to leave the stuff I've worked on for so many years.  Some of my research never amounted to much policy-wise and tossing so many papers acknowledges that.  But I did pass on a lot of my files to my co-worker, in case the issues ever come up again.  I have some of those "did it really matter?" feelings. 

One of my co-workers said I looked like I just graduated high school.  A clear plate and nothing but the future to gaze upon.  But of course life still goes on and in the mist of this monumental day I'm also dealing with car repairs and schedules and phone calls for this and that.  So that makes it a little less anti-climatic. 

But next week when I don't have to into work or put in my hours on my computer at home I'll be thankful for the freedom and the time to spend with the kids and Martin.  Right now it's still sinking in and I'm not enjoying the benefits yet, like the whole new slower rhythm of life.  Can't wait!

"You're making a big mistake!"

Yep, that's what my boss wrote in my going away card.  He also said, "but you'll be welcomed back."  I really need to take stuff like this as a compliment but if people knew how much I question myself, especially on big decisions, they would know this is not a good thing to say to me.  When I left Treasury, I had a co-worker who said that I was making a mistake and he also made it personal, saying I was basically betraying my then boss.  Thankfully, no one has done that yet here.  Oh, and this week my boss also has made more than one reference to indentured servant-hood, bemoaning why it is no longer in existence.  Do you see what I'm dealing with here?  Every day someone tells me "it's not too late to change your mind." 

To be fair and balanced, I also have a number of folks, the ones I truly admire, that have said, good for you, good decision, you'll never regret it, you're really smart for doing this, etc.  And some great friends at work who understand and are celebrating with me.  The gal who is going to bear the brunt of my absence picked out some wonderful going away gifts for me - a DC hikes book, a gift certificate to Sports Authority, family friendly trail mix, tea, a mug that says "you rock," and some spa stuff (soap, nail polish, etc).  She said the hiking gifts were for spending time with my family and the spa gifts were for the "me" time that I will hopefully now have.  So sweet. 

We had a going away lunch today at Old Ebbitt and then cupcakes back at the office when they gave me the gifts and the card.  Yesterday was the 12 year anniversary of the start of my government career.  I feel a completeness at leaving at this time.  One of the major crisis programs that I worked on has no come to an end and I don't feel like I'm leaving mid-project on anything really. 

Only three days left in the office.  I will definitely miss the projects and coming into the city and the friends I have here.  But I'm sure I will be so busy with the kids and using my gifts in other areas of my life that I won't have much time for longing for the old days.  I suppose it is nice to know, however, that if I do decide to change my mind, I'll be welcomed back. 

It's official!

I'm quitting my job.  I told my boss today.  He took it okay.  Basically, he wasn't happy (I'm taking that as a compliment) but he understood.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the nervousness I've been feeling all summer is gone (at least for now until I have to start thinking about starting a business).

I'm sure I'm going to analyze things more (like people's reactions) so I'll post more thoughts later but for now it's off to Pine Springs Camp!

37

AAAAH, it's my birthday again.  How did that happen?

37.  I'm still in my mid-thirties!  I don't feel too old until I see a new mom at the pool or something.  I shouldn't perceive my age relative to my children's but seeing them getting older and more independent makes me feel older.  It brings a little sadness not be in the baby season.  But the seasons are a-changing all around and I'm excited to me moving into the next season of my career and home life.  Martin and I did have the conversation about me quitting and he thinks it's best for our family too so I'm going to quit on September 6th.  I won't tell my boss until August so I guess it's not official yet but I'm feeling good about it and not too afraid of telling him.    

I'm learning that when you have kids, having a birthday on a Saturday (which, by the way, has not happened for me since right before Martin and I started dating) is not the greatest thing.  Dylan was invited to 3 birthday parties tomorrow.  We are only going to one - my nephew's.  I told my sister it was okay to have his party on my birthday because if she would have had it the week before we would have been on vacation and missed it and we said one of the best things about living close was getting to come to each others' kids' birthday parties.  So we are going to my sister's tomorrow, which is good, she has pool and my parents will be there and my brother and his girlfriend so it will be nice for me too.  My coworkers are taking me out for lunch today and Martin and the kids are taking me out for dinner tonight.  My parents were at my house yesterday and they bought me an ice cream cake so we had that after dinner last night.  I kinda did a lot of my birthday traditions in March because of sales and an expiration of a gift card I had for a massage.  Martin bought me a kindle fire then which is my birthday-anniversary-Christmas-valentines day gift-mother's day gift.  My parents got me a case for it which they gave me last night.   So just lots of family time this birthday which is nice. 

I stayed up late last night finishing my book club book so I hoping to sleep in tomorrow and go to bed early.  Maybe watch a movie with my hubby when we get home from my sister's.  Low key but relaxing this year.  I usually take my birthday off from work and have some me time but I feel like I've had enough of that for now - too much thinking lately about my work and plans for setting up a business.  Time to just enjoy the summertime.

New Ambitions Part II

Well, Martin's contract was renewed!  He was finding out as I typed my blog entry on Friday.  I'm still giving him time to celebrate before making the final decision on my job plans.

Those of you who have been with my blog from the beginning know that I started out talking about career and ambition.  (I originally titled this post New Ambition, not even remembering that I had "New Ambitions" from 2005, so I renamed this one New Ambitions Part II.)  I think part of my struggle with quitting my current job (even though I want to) has been that I didn't want to be told I had no ambition.  I know there would be certain people, particularly co-workers from my current and previous jobs, who would say I was giving up a good career.  Oh, she had so much potential if she just would have stuck with it.  Especially, with so many people retiring from the government in the next 5 years.

I'm starting to see the narrow-sightedness of these statements.  First, why was I letting these people define my goals and ambitions for me.  Second, if in fact that's what they would say (considering I am putting words in their mouths) would they even be right?  I've now been around long enough to see so many folks plateau in their careers for years.  And I'm pretty sure that's even the normal scheme of things for 35-50 year-olds.  Third, even if I was promoted, I'd have to work more hours which I know I don't want to do.  Period.  Which takes me back to reason 1).   

Just because I've been on a certain career path for 12 years does not mean that I have to continue on that path.  Many highly successful jump around a lot and do completely different things on their career path.  Granted my jump is somewhat of a step back (less pay, doing something requiring less skill, fewer hours), but if I'm just going to plateau anyway, why not spend those years doing something I enjoy and that will let me be with my family more.  

About a year ago, a dear friend was bragging about me to a couple other women as we all sat in her kitchen.  She told the other women what I planned to do (which included eventually quitting my job) and then said (tongue in cheek) "I don't have over-achieving friends or anything..."  She definitely thought I was being ambitious even though I wasn't continuing up in my field.  What she said reinforced to me that the things I am thinking about doing are highly ambitious (!light bulb!) - taking classes, starting a business, advocating for a culture where part-time work is more accepted, helping those less fortunate through direct financial counseling.  Not to mention my family obligations and pursuits.  So success for me would be doing these things well and who cares if others think I am not ambitious and have a terrible work ethic (btw, when did those two things become the same in my mind....uhhh...) because they are looking at success very narrowly.

I'm sure you can tell through my writing that I'm still trying to convince myself of these things but I can tell you that I know I feeling more confident about it than I did 2 years ago.  Maybe part of that has to do with the fact that it's an easier time to quit since work isn't as busy as it was, but too I'm seeing more opportunities and getting more excited about my dreams outside of my government job.  Plus, with age, I have more feelings of "do it now or you never will and you don't want to miss your chance."

I guess the risk is getting back in if I want.  And I actually want to.  My long-term plan is to get a government job at the end my career to get the benefits (assuming Congress hasn't striped every last one of them away by then).  How long can I be gone and still get back in?  What kind of experience will I need to do in the meantime to allow me get back in as a GS-15?  I half joke that since I had experience from this most recent financial crisis, then I'll be valuable for when the next crisis comes around 15-20 years from now.  I think the important thing is just to do something.  So running a business or doing bookkeeping for a charity is something.     

I had a conversation with a younger family member not too long ago about my plans.  He asked the typical "why are you going to through your education away" type of question.  I know my answer is a good one but it still bothers me that that's a default reaction.  My answer was basically that I've used my degree for 12 years and it has paid off very well.  I keep telling people that I got my dream job pretty much right out of school.  Been there done that, now I'm moving on.  (Maybe it wasn't really my dream job since I want to leave or maybe your dream job just changes as you go.)

Thank you for reading about this topic (again) in my borderline non-coherent free typing blogging.  I'll keep you all updated. 

Just checking in....

Thought I'd just type a "how we are doing" post for those who check in with us through my blog.  The past 2+ months have been busy with the kids' activities - baseball, choir, piano for Dylan and finishing preschool for Lydia.  The kids are excited for their favorite summer activities - Pine Springs Camp and the church retreat, both coming up in August this year.  In two weeks we are going on our family vacation to PA and NY. 

For me, things have been strangely normal.  In contrast, this time last year I was starting counseling and going to the grief support group.  Our loss is not something we are really "dealing" with anymore.  Joshua is always a part of us and will be from now on but his loss is not an in-your-face kinda thing anymore. 

We still go to the cemetery about once a month - usually the 3rd or 4th weekend but not necessarily the 24th or 25th.  The kids still talk about Joshua.  Dylan asks questions and Lydia draws pictures of him.  (This says a lot about my first two children.)  Dylan asked me last week how we know that Joshua is in heaven since he never went to church or was baptized.  How he put that together I have no idea.  Having battled legalism for most of my Christian walk, I know we were careful not to tell our children that going to church or being baptized gets you into heaven.  He came to that on his own and I was quick to remind him that it is Jesus who saves us.

Dylan and Lydia are both really active and talkative these days.  Lydia is even starting to open up more and talking while other adults are around (something she wouldn't even think of doing 6 months ago).  One of Dylan's friends' mom heard Lydia yelling to Dylan the other day after a baseball game and she said "she talks!"  They are playing pretty well together too.

Our big thing now is waiting to see if Martin's company is going to win a new contract for the work that he does.  If they don't, he will need to find a new job within the company which is becoming increasingly difficult with the sequestration.  We hope to hear soon.  Assuming all goes well with Martin's job, I am looking to do something in 3 months I've been thinking about doing for the past 7 years - quit my job.  I'll still be doing something (taking classes and/or starting a business so I may not officially qualify as a stay-at-home-mom) but I'm looking forward to being able to manage our home with a more flexible schedule and hopefully get back into shape.  I also have grand allusions of doing the kids' baby books and organizing my office but I also know how quickly that "spare" time can fill up.  Some people think that I'll get bored if I don't work.  I think I'm at a point in my life that I can fill my time with meaningful and satisfying things without a job.  I'm not sure I could have done that 7 years ago.  I've gained a lot of experience and confidence in those 7 years that I didn't have before.  I'm even to the point where I'm not agonizing over telling my boss that I am quitting AS MUCH.  :)  I just started writing more about this and realized that I have a whole other blog entry worth of stuff to talk about here.  So I'll end now and continue on this last thought later. 

Death following me

On December 1st, I ended my post with a list of people who had died or were given a terminal prognosis.  Since then, a very dear friend's 21-year-old nephew died suddenly, a co-worker's 30-year-old nephew died suddenly, the mother of some friends from camp died, and my baby cousin with the terminal prognosis died.  Then my 42-year old brother-in-law died suddenly.  I had started to think that death was following me in December and by February I was almost paranoid.  I started calculating the major deaths in our family and how they occurred about every 7-8 months (my grandfather May 2008, Martin's grandmother December 2008, (skip), Martin's uncle June 2010, my grandmother March 2011, Joshua November 2011, my other grandmother July 2012,  and Martin's brother February 2013.  My friends from my bible study encouraged me not to think like that and prayed for me.  Maybe I was just noticing death more since I had been through grief (or maybe this is just a consequence of getting older except these weren't old people who were dying!).  Yet I still felt like I was around death more than others.  And I was a little wary of what's or who's next.

This Easter, the words of one song really stuck with me - "Resurrection Hymn (See What a Morning)" - where it says "death is dead."  Death is dead.  It can't come after me.  It can't follow me.  It's dead.  Christ conquered death on the cross and overcame it with His resurrection.  It is Jesus who is alive and who is following/pursuing me.  And He is good and has my best interests in mind.

Of course I will see more death in this life unless Christ returns soon.  But it's not because there is some evil, uninhibited, unyielding force of death smiting out people who know Heather Etner.  Nothing happens that is not controlled by Jesus.  I don't have to look over my shoulder or try to outrun death.  Death is dead.  Boo-yah.  Happy Easter.        

Lydia's first haircut

I started talking about cutting Lydia's hair after her 3rd birthday.  A year later we still hadn't cut it but the tangles were getting unmanageable.  Lydia said she wanted to get it cut.  I knew I wanted to donate her hair so in February I called to make an appointment at the place I had donated my hair 6 years ago right after Dylan was born.  It was a month before they had an open Saturday appointment.  Perfect, a month to prepare.  Well, I still cried at the first snip of the scissors.  Lydia donated 12 inches of hair to Locks of Love.  Here are the pictures from the big event.  

 The night before.

 The shampoo.

 Look at that length.

The first snip. 

Holding her ponytails.

 Super Cute!

 She loves the new do.

Lydia Update

Lydia turned four today.  There's not too much difference between her and Dylan developmentally now.  Lots of differences in personality.  I love being around people who don't know Lydia that well and having them tell me what she seems like to them.  That happened this fall when I visited my long time friend and mentor Lisa in Pittsburgh.  After observing Lydia play at a playground for a while (Dylan wasn't there), she said Lydia is tenacious, balanced, persistent, and determined.  I realized quickly that Lisa was totally right (as she is about most things).  Lydia doesn't give up easily and while she is willing to take risks, she thinks about the risk first.  Lydia also has a great sense of object permanence and knows where things are around the house (more than her father I must say).  She lost a stuffed animal at Sears this year and she still asks about it and whether or not the store is going to call us when they find the stuffed animal.  Lydia loves to be held, which I love.  She still sucks her thumb. We talk about trying to give it up but not taking any real action yet.  Lydia loves to be read to.  Her Sunday school teachers pointed that out to me before I noticed but she is always asking for us to read to her.  She has a few books memorized (like her Clifford book).

Highlights for the past year - taking a dance class (Jan - Mar), starting preschool two days a week (in September), giving up her naps (in August), riding a two-wheeler with training wheels (in September), and taking swimming lessons (in December).  We still haven't cut her hair.  At her doctor's appointment on Thursday we found out she gained 4 lbs (35lbs, 50th percentile) and grew 3 inches (38 inches, 10th percentile) this year.  She is very verbal at home but often gets shy around other adults.  We are working on saying good morning to her teachers when she goes to school.  A few weeks this fall she went through a really shy spell where she wouldn't even let anyone look at her, but I think she's back to just not talking now.  She's given up the "no me's" from last year but she often says "ooowhl but" when we ask her to something she doesn't want to do.    

Lydia has been a real trooper hanging out with me when I have to volunteer at Dylan's school.  We greet the kids as they come to school on Tuesday mornings and then we help in the library and with carpool on Tuesday afternoons.  Usually there is a class in the library while we are in there checking books in so she has be really quiet and she does great with that.

We don't get as much Mommy and Me time as we did earlier in the year before preschool started but we go for walks or to the library to read books while Dylan is at gymnastics.  And Lydia is still the best helper at the grocery store.  She like to help in the kitchen too.  On her birthday we did some baking and she really enjoyed that.

Lydia is really my buddy and my cuddler.  I love kissing her cheeks.  She is very sweet and says thank you without be prompted and sorry when she bumps into you.  Lydia is also very funny.  Sometimes without knowing it.  Many times during the day she will just make these random statements that are so funny.  Like "my pajamas have a button but Dylan's don't" when she not even wearing pajamas.  So that's what you think about huh Lydia.  Lots of times the things she says aren't really funny in themselves but she's got great delivery.  I really enjoy being around her and look forward to how she is going to grow in the coming year.

A week of anniversaries

As we were warned, the anticipation of Joshua's birthday and the anxiety that goes with that anticipation were much worse than the actual day.  In the days leading up to Joshua's birthday I saw the return of some of my grief "symptoms" (heart palpitations, moodiness, anger), but on the actual day we had a sweet time at the cemetery.  God answered my prayers about exactly how I wanted the time to go.  Not everyone came at once so I was able to visit with everyone who came yet there was a point where we had a critical mass so that Martin could speak a little and read Psalm 71 (a portion of which is on Joshua's gravestone) and then our pastor James prayed.  Some friends brought rose petals, one brought baby's breath, and another a wreath.  My friend Laura brought balloons which we released after we sang "Happy Birthday" to Joshua.  The kids asked if Joshua was celebrating in heaven and I said maybe but I think the real party would be the next day - the anniversary of the day he came to heaven.  The kids drew pictures for Joshua which we put in plastic bags and left by the grave.

After the cemetery we took my parents to the Peruvian chicken place by the cemetery (that was an adventure) and then later that night we went to the Walk of Lights at Meadowlark Gardens.  Here is a picture of us there.  It was so cold that day.    

I've been thinking about donating money for a tree at Meadowlark in honor of Joshua and so I may just do that and make the Walk of Lights a tradition for his birthday. 

Yesterday was the anniversary of the funeral so we watch the video.  That was the first time we did that.  It was good to be reminded of Butch's message:  You'll never fully understand why this happened on this side of heaven, God has not forsaken you, and Jesus is your greatest comfort.  It was also fun to watch Dylan playing with the rope on the pew and crawling on the floor the entire service, Lydia bonking her head and then after being comforted by my mom laying on Martin and sucking her thumb the rest of the service, and our friends' son Aidan's reaction to Butch's "you will die" comment.  I remember hearing his gasp and although you can't hear that on the video you can definitely see him abruptly look to his mom to see if that was true. 

Today is the last of the anniversaries.  The day we buried Joshua.  I went with the kids to the cemetery after taking them to a birthday party for one of Dylan's friends.  We sang Kum Ba Yah, which is translated Come by here.  This week I also learned of the death of a mother of 4 shortly after the birth of her son Joshua, my newborn cousin's diagnosis that means she will only be with us for a few weeks, and the death of my next door neighbor.  Oh Lord, Kum Ba Yah.  

Joshua Dietrich

Martin and I hadn't discussed names very much before we got Joshua's diagnosis.  We were waiting to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  But in previous name discussions during my first two pregnancies, Joshua had always come up for a boy name.  We ruled it out because it was too common and didn't want our child in a class with ten other kids with his name.  (The irony is that Dylan has probably encountered more Dylans (with various spellings) his age than Joshuas.)  After we got the diagnosis, we had a number of discussions about girl names but the boy name was easy.  He would be Joshua.  The discussion went something like this:  "I was thinking Joshua for a boy."  "I was thinking the exact same thing."  I think by the time we the discussion, we thought we were having a girl but with the uncertainty we knew we needed a boy name too.

Joshua's middle name came pretty easily too.  Martin had wanted Dylan's name to be Dylan Dietrich.  I vetoed the DD.  Plus, I didn't want to give our child two names that were unique (at least I thought Dylan was at the time) in case he want to use something not so unique later in life.  (Now Dylan actually says he wishes his name was Owen so I have no idea what I thought I was helping there.)  So Dietrich was always a middle name on our short list.  It honors Martin's German heritage and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great Christian theologian and martyr during the time of Nazis.  Again, one of us suggested it and the other agreed immediately.  Of course we ended up coming up with a great girl's name too (Kayla Hope) but that was a lot harder process.    

There was quite a bit of uncertainty as to whether our third child would be a boy or a girl.  Looking back now I see why.  Because of the Trisomy 18 and how that affected his weight and bone structure, it would have been very difficult to see that he was a boy since his body and hips were kinda folded in.  He was clearly a boy, but I don't know if any sonogram could have shown that.  One doctor (not a radiologist) said he couldn't see anything and that most Trisomy babies were girls so that's why we thought the possibility of having a girl was better than 50/50.  Dylan and Lydia protested at first when we told them this because they thought we were having a boy.  Turns out they were right.

I too thought we were having a boy before that doctor told us probably not.  I had what I would call a day-dream that I didn't seem to have total control over.  (Don't want to freak anyone out and say I had a vision.)  It was me imagining a grown man calling me mom.  I guess it was like we were meeting for the first time in heaven.  But why did I imagine a man an not a woman?  I can't tell you.  It was not a conscious decision.  That coupled with the ease of coming up with a boy name and the kids insisting it was a boy made me think/hope we were having a boy. 

Granted there would have been some good things about him being a girl - the bible verse we picked was based on the girls name we finally came up with.  Kayla means "Who is like God?" and that, along with the talk of hope and loving God from the womb, is found in Psalm 71 which we still used as Joshua's verse.  And Kayla would have keep with the trend in our kids of using Ys, Ls, and As in first names.  But I'm so glad we got to name him Joshua which means "the Lord Saves."  As demonstrated especially in Joshua's life, it is the Lord Jesus who saves us, not by any works of our own.  

 

Today we celebrate Joshua's home-going.  Because it is the Lord who saves, we have confidence that Joshua is in heaven with Jesus and thus we can celebrate.         

Joshua's Birth Story

The kids love to hear their birth stories. I told them after Joshua was born that I would have 3 stories to tell them. So now they ask for Joshua's birth story too. I feel like I've told a lot of the story through other posts or emails, and if you were at the funeral you got to read my nurse's recollection of the events. But here is the story in its entirety.

On Thanksgiving Day, we went to church in the morning. My parents and brother were visiting from Pennsylvania and so I sat in the back of the van with my mom and Dylan. When we got home, as I was climbing out of the van, I felt what I thought at the time was a false contraction. I was 37 weeks and 1 day along in the pregnancy at this point. I took it easy for a few minutes and the contraction went away so I started getting Thanksgiving dinner ready with my mom. My friend Amy arrived and we sat down to eat around 1pm. I started to feel something again while we were putting the food on the table but again, I just thought it was the type of thing that when you just sit down for a while it just goes away. We ate our meal and cleaned up, and then I sat in the kitchen talking with Amy for a while. After she left I started feeling more contractions so I said I should take it easy the rest of the day. At about 5pm, I sat down on the couch and didn't get up until my water broke at 9pm. While I was on the couch, I told my parents and Martin that I was feeling something but I was sure it wasn't labor. In my head, I remember being worried that this might lead to me going into labor sooner than expected - maybe the next day or the day after. I remember asking God, please, if we are going to do this soon, let's do it before my parents are in the middle of moving my brother (on Saturday). Well, that was another prayer He answered. I could tell my water was breaking about 3 seconds before it actually happened so I leaped from the couch to the hard wood floor (gotta protect the furniture and carpets!)  I remember almost shaking with fear but tried not to let it show.  I went upstairs to get cleaned up and finish packing my suitcase. We had procrastinated in putting the kids to bed that night so they were still up. We told them goodnight and that we were going to the hospital to have the baby. I asked Dylan to pray for us.

On the way to the hospital we called our friends from our home fellowship group, Krista, Jan, and Lisa. They made some phone calls for us and started praying. Unbeknownst to us at the time, they came to the hospital to pray there and had called our senior pastor who left his family gathering in central VA to come to the hospital too. We arrived at the hospital just before 10pm.

We signed in at the ER and were escorted upstairs.  We saw Dr. Pereira on our way into the triage room.  She joined us after I changed and the nurses (I was introduced to 2 or 3 but Cat was to be "my nurse") got me hooked up to the ultrasound.  The baby was still breech.  Next question:  when was the last time you ate?  I said 7:30pm because I had had a turkey sandwich about that time but I hadn't eaten much.  Supposedly, they want you to wait 6 hours after eating to have surgery because you could aspirate.  I still don't understand all that since I had a spinal and was never "under" but the waiting period became moot anyway.  At that point we were thinking C-section around 1:30am but all the prep needed to start soon.  So they walk me over to room 1, and I go to the bathroom before they start hooking me up to all the machines.  The anesthesiologist comes in to do her pre-op.  I'm still in the bathroom so Martin tries to answer the questions.  I come back out and Cat starts checking heartbeats, some guy comes and takes my blood, I try to call my mom to update her on what's happening, they are bringing Martin his surgery clothes, and another nurse hooks up my IV to the back of my hand which someone told me later was a weird place to put it, but it turns out it was just this nurse's way of doing it.  So a lot is going on.  I didn't realize it at the time but even at this point there was some concern with the baby's heartbeat - dipping low for a minute and then going back up.  The anesthesiologist comes back and I finish answering the questions including telling her my wisdom teeth story about speaking Spanish when I work up (the only time I've been "under" in my life).  I felt another gush and the nurse checked and I was bleeding.  So because of that and the heart rate concerns they decided to move the c-section up.  It was about 11:20pm.

They wheel me into the operating room about 15-20 minutes later but Martin wasn't allowed in yet. I'm wondering where he is because I didn't know he couldn't come in.  I'd never been in an operating room before.  The room was so white and bright with lots of cold, silver metal.  It's time for the local.  (Remember I went through a non-medicated birth with Dylan to avoid this part although I did have an epidural with Lydia.)  There are a bunch of nurses in the room that I don't know and all seem to be working pretty quickly.  One holds me while I'm holding a pillow as the anesthesiologist is doing the local.  Martin wasn't there, and I have never been more scared in all my life.  Not just for what was happening to me but for what was happening to my child.  I knew that even though this was the moment of his/her birth, this also meant the end was near for his/her life.   

After they got the needle in my back, I lay down on the table and there's another surge of blood with clots.  Later we found out that the bleeding was because I had "placental abruption" - basically the placenta broke away from the uterus.  They checked the baby's heartbeat and it was low and not going back up.  Time for the hurry-up offense.  I remember the nurse asking someone "do you want to do [x]" and the answer was "no, just [y]" but I either don't remember or didn't understand what they meant.  I think it might have been that instead of the normal antiseptic, the nurse sprayed my abdomen with something.  After that the curtain went up, Martin came in (he was the only man in the room), and we were just left to wonder what was going on.  I remember telling Martin that it felt so weird.  My lower body was moving from side to side and it felt like the doctor was pushing and pulling roughly but I didn't feel any pain.  I realized my sciatic pain that I had had for weeks was gone.

Next thing we knew someone yells 23-58.  It took me a while to process but I realized that was the time.  My baby was born at 11:58pm.  Martin and I looked over to the table where the doctors were examining our child.  We saw the scale said 2.3 lbs.  The baby doctor and Cat discuss the fact that he was a boy and that we only thought it might be a girl.  Cat tells us its a boy.  Martin says his name - it's Joshua Dietrich.

The baby doctor hands Joshua over to Martin.  The doctor tells us she agrees with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis and that Joshua's apgars were 1 and 2. She asks if we have any questions. I forget everything I wanted to ask. Martin asks how long she thought we had. She says a couple hours, maybe. Cat takes a picture. That will come to be the only picture we have of Joshua alive. It's the one I posted on this blog announcing Joshua's birth.

Martin and I have a sweet time with him in the operating room. Martin held him and I held his tiny head in my hand. Martin spoke to him about the people who loved him including his Savior and on cue after Martin finished a sentence, Joshua nodded his head while taking a breath. Martin told him about Jesus and prayed over him. We told him about his family - his big brother and his big sister, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins. We sang hymns and praise songs.

At about 12:45am as we are leaving the operating room, we realize Joshua hasn't taken a breath in a long time.

We get to the recovery room and Cat tells us about our visitors. She asks how much time we want alone. We say to give us 10 minutes. I call my family to tell them what happened. Our friend Ted and our pastor John walk in. I felt so honored that our senior pastor would be there especially on a holiday and that late at night. John prays for us. Krista, Jan, and Lisa come in. They had been there praying the entire time. Lisa offers to go to our house to stay with the kids so my family can come and see us.

The baby doctor evaluated Joshua at 1:15am and officially pronounces him gone. Cat helped me unwrap Joshua so I could see his entire body. She takes him next door for photos, footprints, and measurements.  I get moved to delivery room 13 instead of a post partum room - this is the room where Dylan was born.  My Mom and Dad and my brother Justin arrive.  Cat brings Joshua back.  John is still there and prays again.  Everyone leaves by 3:30am.  Cat gave us a memory box with the photos and other mementos.  (Cat was such a great nurse.  There are certain nurses at that hospital who volunteer for deliveries like mine.  She had seen this type of thing before and knew exactly what to do and say.  She knew we would want to have as many things as possible to keep from our time with Joshua.)

After that we try to sleep.  We lay Joshua in the bassinet by my bed.  At 6am I wake up and want to hold him.  He's cold.

At 7:30am I get a new nurse - Diana.  She was the perfect person to have that day.  She was a Christian and she was very nice and sympathetic.  She and Cat called the Now I Lay My Down To Sleep photographer who came around 10 or 11am to take pictures.

After the pictures, Martin says it's time.  I say "for what?"  He meant for Joshua's body to go to the morgue.  I was definitely not ready for that.  Diana realized that and allowed us to take our time.  When Martin convinced me it was time, Diana was great and made sure we knew what was going to happen and where his body would be.  To say that seeing him being wheeled out of that room was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life is an understatement.

Later that day, Martin went home and he brought Dylan and Lydia and my mom to visit. One of our other pastors (James) also came to see me.  At 7:30pm when I got my new nurse, she said I had to get up and walk before I went to bed.  The next day, the new nurse said I had to take a shower that day.  I thought they were both crazy.  But strangely I recovered quickly and was able to do both those things.  The third and last night I was there, Cat was back.  She requested to be my nurse again.  (Since I was not moved to the post-partum area, I had labor and delivery nurses my entire 3 day stay.)  That night I asked her to write down how she remembered the events of Joshua's birth because the timing of everything was a blur and I wanted to make sure I remembered as much as I could.  She honored my request and even added a message at the end about how strong she thought I was.

Looking back I can say it was only by the grace of God, poured out to us in a sufficient and great amount measured by the difficulty of our situation, that got us through.  It is by that grace that I will get through today and all the days to come.