Ronald McDonald Dress

I'm not promoting McDonalds here or anything (since I know some of you have strong feelings against the restaurant) - this just happened to be one of the dresses that my mom kept from my childhood and now Lydia gets to wear it.  I waited a little too long to put her in the dress (I was 2 in the picture and Lydia is 3+) but it was fun to do this little photo session.  We did go to McDonalds afterwards (although I put some pants on her under the dress since it was too short) so we had a fun little outing on one of our last mornings alone together without the D-man (before school was out for him).  I don't think Lydia looks like me in any of these pictures.  But there are other pictures where she does.  I have a picture of her in a "future Miss America" swimsuit that was mine in which I think she looks more like me.  I got her to smile more like me in those pictures.  I'll post those soon.  Here, she's just got that big eyes, cheeky smile. 

6 months

Went to the cemetery on Thursday (the 24th) thinking that the grave marker would be there since on Monday they told me it had arrived but had not been placed yet but would be in the next day or two.  It wasn't, which I would have been fine with except that they told me it would be there and I was expecting it.  Anyway, Lydia and I put in the cross you see here that my mom picked up.  You can see that the grass is growing in now.  I talked to the lady at the cemetery office and she said the marker would be in the next day (Friday) so we went again today with Dylan and Martin but it still wasn't there.  I understand they were busy with Memorial Day and I would have been fine if they said oh we probably won't get to until next week but the fact that they told me it would be there and it wasn't annoys me.  They should know this is an emotional thing and not to tell people it will be there unless they know for sure.  I doubt if we'll be back until June 24th so we'll see it then. 

Matters of the Heart

The doctor checked my heart and said my heart was strong and healthy.  She then asked me what's been going on in my life.  Well....  After I told her about Joshua, she said that the stress and anxiety of losing him is probably causing the heart palpitations.  She suggested that I talk to a licensed counselor.  I have an appointment on Friday.  She did some blood work just to make sure but that came back fine.  So it's grief-related.  I also just started a GriefShare support group at my church so hopefully these things will help keep the palpitations away.  The doctor seemed to think I could get through this without medication.  And so far so good as I haven't had any palpitations in about a week. 

I finished my accounting class and got an A (barely).  Yea!!  I decided not to take another class over the summer because they only offer 8-week classes and that would be too condensed for me since I had a hard time keeping up with my 16-week class.  I'll take another class in the fall.  I have 8 that I have to take in total before I could sit for the CPA exam so it's going to take awhile.

Dylan is taking a swim class twice a week for 8 weeks and I have been swimming while he is in class.  So I'm getting a little exercise.  And I'm hoping to continue swimming when the pool opens in 3 weeks.  

We're going to a memorial service on Saturday night for all the babies that passed away in my OB/GYN's practice.  It's something really great that they do each year. 

While my heart is strong and healthy, it's still healing. 

 

5 months

Lydia and I visited Joshua's grave yesterday.  We went to Home Depot first and got a hanging pot thing but I'm not happy about it because it hangs down too long.  I'm trying to find a small, light-weight hanging potted plant but haven't been able to.  The permanent marker wasn't there yet.  Maybe next time.  We didn't stay long, Lydia had to go potty too.  She did ask again if Joshua crawled into the ground.  But she also often repeats what we've told the kids over and over, "Joshua's soul is in heaven and his body is in the ground."

Here are some pictures of the grave.  Looks like Joshua has one or two new "neighbors" sadly.  There was a temp marker on the grave in front of Joshua's and the one behind looked like it was dug up but there was no marker or flowers.

Recently I'm been experiencing some weird heart palpitations so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out what's going on.  I'm also finishing up my accounting class that I started in January.  I take my final next Saturday.  

4 months

The four of us went to the cemetery on Saturday, four months after Joshua's birthday. We stopped and got some orange flowers first to put in the hanging pot, which was good because my make-shift hanging pot broke and the evergreen that I had in there was gone. I wasn't able to fix the hanging part of the pot so I just planted the flower that we brought and left the pot sitting there. I'll get something to hang the pot for next time. It was raining while we were there so we didn't stay long. The temporary marker was there (yea, finally). Lydia keeps asking if Joshua crawled down a hole into the ground and Dylan keeps saying that Joshua is in heaven and in the cemetery. He doesn't quite get that Joshua's essence or person is in heaven and it's only is lifeless body that's in the cemetery. Dylan said something like "is this Joshua's first rainy day?" I'm not worried about this type of thinking but it's just an interesting look into what they actually think at this point.

On Thursday I got together with a friend who lost a baby in her 7th month of pregnancy in January. It is always good to talk to her. Much of the same feelings. Definitely don't feel alone in this after talking to her. Along those same lines, someone came up to me at church on Sunday and asked me if I would be interested in attending a 12-week grief support group program. I'm hopeful that that will happen. The program was developed by the same couple that does the retreats for parents who have lost children. I think I'd still like to do the retreat but maybe we can do the support group first.

It was about this time last year that I got pregnant with Joshua. I found out on April 8th which is Easter this year. We are headed to FL from the 4th through the 9th to visit Martin's parents and brother.

We did our taxes last week. Turbo Tax even had a question on losing a child. We clicked yes and the next page that comes up says "sorry for your loss" and then tells you how to claim your child and put "died" where you would put his SS# had he lived. I had Martin finish our taxes and then undo claiming Joshua to see how much he saved us in taxes for his short little 30 minutes of life so we could then decide to do something special with that money. We are thinking about planting a tree, maybe in our yard or a public place where we could put a dedication plaque.

Grave marker design

Here is what we decide for Joshua's grave marker. The verse that is written out is Psalm 71:19-20 (NIV) in case you can't read it from the picture. The pine trees represent us (me, Martin, Dylan, and Lydia) pointing to our hope in heaven. The path represents our lives left to live and the butterfly and the cross represent the resurrected life that Joshua is living now and that we will join him in. I did some research on Christian symbols to come up with all of this. Interestingly, I also found that squirrels represent "a Christian’s busy forethought of eternity or heavenly meditation" which would have been appropriate but a little weird to put four squirrels on there.

It's going to take 4-6 weeks until the stone is placed so hopefully by our April visit it will be there. Going to the cemetary this Saturday and hopefully the temporary marker will be there.

Talking about Normal and Not-so-normal Baby Stuff

I want to talk about Joshua and from what I read on the blogs of other moms who have lost children they want to talk about their children too. So I think it may be safe to generalize a little here and say to those who are around those of us who have lost a dear one lately - don't be afraid to talk to us about them!

The frustrating thing for me (and for people who are trying to talk to me about Joshua) is that I don't know what to say or talk about. I have so many people ask me how I am doing and I say "I'm hanging in there." Since I haven't given them much, they will then usually ask how I am doing physically (which I'm starting to be annoyed by because 1) I don't think they'd be asking a mother of a 3 month old how she was doing physically even if she had a c-section and 2) the emotional pain is so much more than the physical pain that I find it so silly to talk about the physical stuff - but I know people are just trying to find some way to allow me to talk so I can't be upset) or they ask how the kids are doing. I'm longing for someone to ask me how we came up with Joshua's name or if we knew he was going to be a boy. Normal baby stuff.

I want to try to do as much as I can "for Joshua" as I did for Dylan and Lydia. So things like baby books and birth stories and pictures. They help solidify the reality that I do have a third child as just talking about Joshua does.

So I'm going to write some normal baby posts coming up to include Joshua's birth story and where his name comes from, etc. And then there will be the not-so-normal posts about his grave marker, etc. I tend to talk about those not-so-normal things in a matter-of-fact normal way too, much to the shock of some a co-worker and a friend (both men) who had these looks of fear on their faces when I brought up things like the grave marker and the hanging basket for the grave site. Maybe they were afraid they were going to have to say something to comfort me or that I would start crying (at work! oh no! there's no crying at work!). I think these few experiences have held me back a little from just going up to people and start talking about Joshua and how we came up with his name, etc. They shouldn't but it's so hard to gauge how much a person is willing to listen when he/she ask "how are you?"

Moments

I was playing dolls with Lydia this morning and just letting her totally direct the play. She got two really cute baby dolls for Christmas that she has hardly played with since she usually just does what Dylan wants to do. She handed me one baby and told me to feed her and then she fed the other baby. I of course start weeping because I had had these dreams/desires of having a real baby and Lydia imitating me caring for our baby through play with her dolls. This was one of the few dreams I had had for Joshua and our family since we knew he wasn't going to make it for most of my pregnancy and I was so focused on me and my career for the beginning part of the pregnancy.

The weird thing is that I treasure these moments, sad as they are. This goes back to what it means to work through grief and heal. I don't want to get to the point when I'm not remembering and thinking about Joshua and not crying. Healing is not forgetting. I hope I have these moments my whole life. Even though they are sad, they are precious and even joyful. Yes, I know I just said something can be sad and joyful at the same time. I believe it can because of the hope and peace I still have in sad moments because of the hope I have in God. Hope in His comfort and salvation. The sadness is only temporary because there will be no sadness in eternity.

Retreat

I had a good time on the retreat. I really enjoyed talking with the friends I drove their with and roomed with. However, it wasn't so much a time of refreshment and renewal as it was evaluating and stirring. You know when you go go go and then you slow down just enough to see that something's not quite right but you're not exactly sure what that is. I'm using my blog here to help me think through what that might be but I could have probably used another 2 days away. On Saturday night I just felt like crying (but that may have been for monthly reasons) but I couldn't really even pinpoint what I was feeling. As far as what I gleened from the retreat, I know I need to be in God's word more and I need to be a better wife to my husband. Again, these are just the vague notions that I see surfacing but much more thinking needs to be done.

Three months

I did go to the cemetary this morning. I ended up taking Lydia with me. We sang Kum Ba Yah and put some fake flowers in the ground and a hanging planter (which I had to make since I couldn't find one in the store this time of year) on a post. The temporary marker still was not there which made me sad but we'll get that taken care of and now that we have some flowers there it won't look like we are neglecting our child....I mean of course his grave but in a way it felt like we were neglecting him.

We are almost ready to order the permanent marker. Going to look at one more draft and then decide. Because we are having a Bible verse engraved on the stone (and not just the reference) the costs are more than we were expecting but as a friend pointed out to me, this is one way you can spend money on Joshua since we obviously didn't and won't have many things to buy "for him" as we do our other children.

Since I've been so busy lately I'm looking forward to the women's retreat this weekend to have some time to grieve and process. I think about Joshua every day and recount his birth and life on most days. But I don't really feel like I'm doing anything intention to heal. I don't want to get the point when I don't think about Joshua and his birth on a daily basis. So I guess what I want is to "heal" from is just the bad feelings I have associated with his existence/birth - like the fact that I can only fit into a small percentage of my pants and skirts and I don't want to be seen in maternity clothes and so I got really upset when the only pair of jeans I have that fit ripped. Losing weight would alleviate this problem but would it really fix it? It's sort of like that things that didn't have so much of an emotional component to them now are big emotional deals when you are grieving. I've also seen this with my feelings about not wasting things. It used to just annoy me when I or someone else in my house wasted something but now it's a big emotional deal. Somehow maybe I'm tying the thing to Joshua and since I don't want his existence to be wasted I don't want other things to be wasted. If Joshua's life has a purpose then so does everything else. So maybe part of healing is untying my loss of Joshua from these other things in life.

Building Museum

I always find February a hard month to find things to do with the kids so I was super excited to find out the National Building Museum downtown was having a Family Day to celebrate National Engineers Week. (And so were a lot of other parents since it was really crowded.) We were there for over an hour and only got around to about 4-5 of the really cool booths they set up. We could have been there all day. Dylan and Lydia made catapults, truss bridges, and Lego towers, and got to meet The Cat in The Hat and Curious George.

This was sort of a Valentines Day trip since Tuesday was kind of a bust. I got sick (something I ate I think) so we didn't go to Cold Stone like we were planning. Martin also didn't get to build me a fire in the fireplace since I just went to bed early so we did that tonight too.

Second Lost Tooth! and Wanting to Drive?

First Tooth Lost and Spunky Girl

Memorial "markers"

We had an appointment yesterday at the cemetary yesterday to pick out a grave marker. It was the two month anniversary of Joshua's birth. We were there on Christmas Eve too which was the one-month anniversary of his birth so I think I may have inadvertently started a trend. I'm taking off on Feb 24th because I'm leaving that day for the women's retreat so I may just go to the cemetary that day too.

The cemetary removed all the flowers (including a wreath that I wished they hadn't) and the funeral home forgot to put the temporary marker up so there was nothing marking the grave except for some straw where they were trying to grow some grass and a small pine tree branch that they put down (which was nice). We called the funeral home to get the temporary marker put up because I think it's going to be a few months before the permanent marker will be done. I resolved to get a wreath or a hanging basket for the next time we go.

The marker is going to have Joshua's name and birth and death dates and a cross and a path and a bible verse (Psalms 71:19-20). We want to other symbols too for resurrection and something to show that we are waiting for heaven. The guy at the cemetary is going to draft something for us to take a look at.

I find myself not saying "Joshua would have been 2 months old yesterday" because we knew he's wasn't going to make it that long from fairly early on. I imagine this is a good thing because I think I read somewhere it's not healthy to think about what life would be like if the person you are grieving over was still there. But sometimes I can't help thinking like that especially when I think about my job and where that's going and when I see pregnant women in the neighborhood and think, oh, Joshua would have had a friend to play with. Thoughts like this can feed bitterness so I don't want to do that but at the same time, because Joshua's life was so short and the memories so few there isn't much to think about when I think of him and I want to think about him so that's a outlet for some thoughts.

I put a picture of Joshua up on my desk at work. It's sad that I will never be able to replace that with an updated picture like I will for Dylan and Lydia. I wonder if I'll still be hanging Joshua's baby picture along side Dylan's and Lydia's high school graduation pictures for instance. It makes me sad to think about not doing that. I'm not sure if these "future" thoughts are any healthier but I think they might be because they show an element of excepting reality. Right now I have a fear of forgetting. Some people say you'll never forget but there will be somethings I will forget (details of Joshua's birth, what it was like when I was pregnant with him). Of course I'll not forget that I had him but I want more than that. Years from now the memories will see so distance. I see before me a lifetime of trying to memorialize our son's brief life. It's one of those labors that is sad but it would be even more sad if we didn't do it. Even if we just think about the anniversaries of his birth and death, it honors Joshua's life. Just like all of those who have passed on before us. For instance, today is the 18th anniversary of my grandfather's death - I've now lived more of my life without my grandfather than I did with him. This is in a sense a marker in my life. It is good to create memorials and markers.

Lydia Update

Lydia had her *3-year* check up today. She weighs 31 lbs (50th percentile) and is 35 inches tall (10th percentile). She gained 5 lbs and grew 2 inches from last year so the doctor said that's all good. He said she's developing just fine and was impressed with her comprehension and amazed at her fine motor skills. I told him she could write her name and he had her show him. She did it. The doctor asked where the art ability (i.e., good motor skills) is in the family. I guess she inherited it from Uncle Justin.

Lydia is very articulate. There are still a few little cute quirks in her speech though - she pronounces l like y and she calls Lightening McQueen "Yightening DaQueen." At some point during this year she dropped the "no me" and now says "I don't." She gets a lot of what she says, good and bad, from Dylan.

Lydia has learned her letters and knows most of the letter sounds so she and Dylan can pretty much work at the same level when we try to help the kids with pre-reading skills at home. She can write most of the letters too. Lydia can count to about 15 and she plays Uno with the rest of us. She likes to sit at the table and paint or play with playdough or draw. But otherwise her play is all about her big brother. They pretend they are animals and talk about dinosaurs and play cars together. It's sweet for about 10 minutes and then they start the "she hit me/he punched me" stuff. Someone asked me recently about having two kids and was it hard when the younger one started to want to play with the older one's toys. I guess that was an issue for us but it was much worse when the younger one was able to argue with the older one. The fights are much harder to settle at that point. "The sky is blue." "No it's not, it's pink." Okay you're both right!

Lydia is the type of gal who can enjoy herself wherever she goes. She makes a trip to the grocery store fun by picking out apples and making a kite out of the register tape. I feel like Dylan was already into the complaining stage by the time he was this age so I'm appreciating Lydia's easy-going nature at this time. I think Dylan's thing was that he wanted to be around other people, not just Mom. Lydia seems content just hanging out with her family. By the time we sent Dylan to preschool I was saying he soo needs to be in school but with Lydia I think she's going to go to preschool to get used to school and so I'll be able to do my telework hours while they are both in school. We are going to sign her up for two days a week like Dylan did the first year.

Lydia still naps like a champ - 3 hours a day. She would go longer if we let her and she often seems like she could fall asleep for a morning nap too. Since the kids are in one room now it has been harder to get her to fall asleep at night (and sometimes for naps too even when Dylan isn't there). Not sure what's going to happen to the nap when she starts preschool because after preschool we'll have to pick Dylan up from Kindergarten and there won't be time to sleep.

Lydia has been riding a tricycle since last summer. She did pretty well in the pool too. Hoping to do another swim class before the pool opens.

Lydia eats pretty well. She does well with the veggies but doesn't eat much meat. She loves eggs though so we get her her protein that way.

Lydia still gives the best hugs and is still my cuddle buddy. She often just wants me to hold her. I love it and sometimes just want to kiss her cheeks all day.

Back at Work

Turns out I did have to start work to get my class paid for but I'm okay with it. I was able to work from home for three days and then take two more days off and then there was the federal holiday and my normal work from home day yesterday. So today is my first day in the office which is what I had planned on anyway. This was also good because I'm not using up more sick days that I don't have. It will be 7 months before I'm out of the hole assuming I don't take any more sick days during that time.


My two days off last week were supposed to be vacation days and Martin and I were scheduled to go to the cemetery to pick out Joshua's grave marker. But then I got a corneal abrasion and ended up taking sick leave and cancelling the appointment. We rescheduled for next week. My eye is better now but I couldn't see for 2 days.


Coming back into the office was a little hard because the last time I was there I had Joshua with me and he was still alive. I had to change my calendar. Not just flip it but get a whole new one that doesn't have Joshua's birthday and year on it. I also forgot to ask anyone to water my plant so I came in to find brown leaves. I think I can nurse it back though. I also had to fax to HR Joshua's birth certificate which you'll remember has the word "deceased" on it so hopefully no one will ask too many questions. My co-workers were fine though. No one said anything bad and there were only a few awkward moments. Mostly when folks are trying to end the conversation on a positive note. "Well, hopefully now..." Yeah, it's hard to finish that sentence.


I've been doing okay otherwise. I think. I guess I've been feeling kinda numb lately. Not sad. Not really happy. I don't think too much about Joshua and is that because I'm moving on with life or because I'm avoiding grief? It doesn't feel like I'm avoiding anything but I still feel guilty for not sitting around and crying more.


Maybe I am crying more than I think I am. There were two deaths in our church last week. One was a baby (7 months gestation) of friends of ours. I'm thankful I was able to talk to the mom and help her out. Didn't think I'd be helping someone else so soon. But talking to her helps me too and I was able to cry with her. The other person who died was an elder in our church who wasn't much older than our parents. He and his wife were at Joshua's funeral. Martin and I went to the viewing last night and we are going to the funeral tonight. I was fine at the funeral home but got upset after I got home. I feel like that's a common thing - I go through things thinking it won't be a big deal but then it hits me. Like coming back to work.


And like going to my 6 week checkup with my OB. That was on the 6th. I went by myself but later wished I hadn't. I was fine until I pulled into the parking lot. Then the tears came. And I cried with the nurse. And the doctor who delivered Joshua. She said that I'm healing fine. Only restriction is no weight lifting for 3 more months. She also said they recommend not delivering another baby for 2 years after the c-section to allow for healing. That's longer than I was thinking. I'm still thinking about future plans but trying to just be okay with "wait and see" and not have a game plan. I really need to just trust God.


As for my other ranting from a few weeks ago - my health insurance company did pay both of the claims I was disputing so that's good. I still have one more bill that I'm hoping the hospital review and not require me to pay. We were able to submit the claim for life insurance with Martin's work but haven't gotten the payment yet.


So we are doing okay, enjoying time with Dylan and Lydia and getting used to the new normal. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Tiny Dancer

Lydia started dance class today. It's a 13-week Mommy and Me class where they learn a little ballet, pretend to be animals, dress up in costumes, and have a lot of fun. I knew we had stepped into "girly" world when we sat down in the class and the first thing the teacher did was give all 6 little girls scented body glitter to wear on their arms and neck while dancing. Lydia has been looking at her reflection in the window in our house and watching herself dance. She really liked the mirrors in dance class. Not sure if this is something we'll continue but at least she seems to really like it now.

Happy Birthday Lydia!

Lydia's birthday was on a Monday but since it was a federal holiday this year we decided to have her party on her birthday. Lydia wanted a "doggie" party so we had many dog decorations; ate hot dogs, puppy chow, and puppy treats; and played hot dog (hot potato), cat cat dog (duck duck goose), and "who let the dogs out?" Lydia will go for her three-year well child check up on the 19th so I'll post an update on Lydia after that.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Our Christmas cards are in the mail - here's what you'll see when they get there. The kids and I will be wearing these same outfits this afternoon at our family service at MPC at 4:30pm.

Trying not to play that card

You know, the my-baby-just-died one. But I've been dealing with some not very helpful people this week from insurance companies and HR. Claims were denied that should not have been, forms we need to fill out aren't there, and I can't get approved for training that I wanted to take because I'm on "extended sick leave" for the first week of a 16 week course. I'm hoping that I don't have to chose between going back to work later or having my work pay for the class.

I've been brewing over this all day. Actually, all week since I found out about the unexpected second denied claim. Here it is 2 days before Christmas and I'm making phone calls and expecting people to deal with me and I'm not in the Christmas spirit. Sure, I can blame grief and excuse myself but maybe it's just that when we're grieving or going through something difficult the things that annoy or upset us now become bigger. Maybe my feelings which haven't manifested themselves in lots of crying come out in different ways - getting frustrated over things I think should be going right, especially now. And maybe these are my idols, things I put too much importance on. Why is it that I can deal with a big thing going wrong but the little things get to me? I'm sad about Joshua dying but what really makes me angry and upset is incompetence, inflexibility, and attitudes of other people.

I know it's good to think through all these things and it shows I'm learning and growing through the experience but still, I need to snap out of this - it's Christmas!

"New" Normal

I was chatting with someone at church who asked me how I was doing and I said that my parents had left the Friday after the funeral and she said oh so now you're trying to figure out what the "new normal" is. This was a perfectly fine thing to say but it did get me thinking. Is my "new" normal that different than the old. For someone who loses someone (like a husband) who was such a presence in that person's life, the new normal is very different. But sadly Joshua never lived with us outside the womb. In a lot of ways, especially compared to a situation where we would have been bringing him home and would have had a newborn to care for, our new normal is very much like the old (except that I'm off of work for a few weeks).


Thinking about this makes me a little sad because it reminds me how little time we had with Joshua and because in some ways I wish my life was changed more by him. We have the memories of the pregnancy and the time in the hospital and some tangible things to help us remember Joshua and I can't imagine a day going by without thinking about him, but on the outside we look a lot like we did last year at this time - we're back to a family of 4 here on earth. But on the inside, the new normal is new. Grieving and loss are very new. My day to day life may be the same as before in a lot of ways but the ways I've seen God work and love that people have shown us has changed my relationships and my outlook. I also feel like I have a new identity of a mom who has lost a child.


There has been some outward "newness" too. I was thrilled at the grocery store the other day to be able to talk about my 3 kids without the cashier asking enough questions to learn that one of my children is deceased. (I said something about how all my kids were born within a day of a holiday - Halloween, New Years, and Thanksgiving.) It was great to be able to talk about my "new" situation (having 3 kids) without going into the whole story. Part of the new normal that is different will be figuring out how to answer the "how many kids do you have?" question. Being someone who likes to give precise answers and who, like most moms, doesn't want to ever gloss over the existence of my child in heaven, I don't think it will be easy to just say 2. I'm sure the answer will depend on the person, the situation, and my mood at the time.

How we are doing

If you were going to call to ask me this - please still call! But I will answer the question here too.

Physically, I'm amazed and how quickly I've recovered and how much the recovery has progressed each day. A day after delivering when the nurses told me I had to get up and go to the bathroom by myself I thought they were nuts. I did it but it was hard. The next morning, another nurse told me she was going to try to get me up to take a shower that day. She certainly was nuts. Well, no. I took a shower that day mostly by myself. I couldn't believe what a difference a few hours made. The next day I was walking around and going home. I was still taking pain meds around the clock including some of the strong stuff. On Monday the 28th, I stopped taking the strong pain medication (due to the side effect of constipation which would have put me back in the ER if it weren't for my nurse mother being there) and was just taking Advil. A week later I was down to about 2 doses a day and by the two week mark I was totally off the medication. The numbness and brusing are starting to go away above my incision but now I'm starting to feel soreness in my ab muscles. My bleeding stopped a week after delivery but came back slightly 5 days later but then went away again about a week later. I didn't have real lactation issues either. I felt "let down" (how appropriately named in my case), especially hugging lots of people at the funeral, but never pain. (Need to find something to do with that cabbage that I bought now. :) )

Emotionally, I think I'm doing okay. I could definitely tell there was something hormonal/chemical going on with me that first week but I haven't felt that since. The crying that comes doesn't seem to take me by surprise so much. It's when I'm talking to a friend or sitting quietly and thinking or praying. I still feel like I know nothing about how to grieve though. Someone sent me a link to blog of a gal who lost her 7 week old this summer. While her range of emotions seem to be wider than mine (mostly due to her different circumstances), I related to so much of what she said. So I found that helpful and it gave me a little check on my own feelings. I know I need to talk to people in person too so I'll do that.

The kids seem to be doing fine. They talk about Joshua in a mostly matter-of-fact way. They see me cry and ask if I'm sad. I tell them I just miss Joshua. Often times I cry and laugh together and they seem a little confused by that (to preschoolers, you're either happy or you're sad, you can't be both). But maybe it's good for them to see/learn that joy and sorrow can co-exist.

Martin went back to work on Monday. So we're somewhat getting back our routine except I won't be going back to work for another month or so. I'm back in "planning mode" for some things - signing the kids up for classes at the community center in January, planning Lydia's birthday, and thinking about school for next year (decisions need to be made in January). But thankfully since I'm not going into work but the kids are still going to daycare 3 days a week I still have time to reflect and think about the holidays.

Today was my due date. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since Joshua's birthday. We got his birth certificate in the mail yesterday. We've had the death certificate for 2 weeks. The birth certificate has the word "deceased" under "certificate of live birth" in accordance with VA state law "to prevent the fradulent use of birth certificates of deceased persons." I guess that makes sense but bleh.

Joshua's Burial

Today we had a small burial service for Joshua. Our pastor Butch gave us even more words of comfort from I Thessolonians 4:13-18 and from the Westminster Confession of Faith. We will see Joshua again in heaven God exhorts us in His Word to comfort each other with that fact. The Bible gives specific instructions to us on grieving - comfort each other and do it with the hope of our salvation.

We all laid white roses next to Joshua's tiny casket. It was a lot colder than I thought. I held Lydia to keep warm. Afterwards we were planning on going out to lunch. I told Lydia that it was time to go to lunch at a restaurant. She asked if we could get a high chair for Joshua.

It was hard to leave the cemetary. I felt like we were leaving Joshua. I'm sure that's normal but it shows how important it is to remember the words that Butch reminded us of. For comfort and for joy. I'm also thankful for the many emails and cards that remind us that Joshua is with His Heavenly Father and is experiencing utter bliss as I type.

Joshua's Funeral

Today was Joshua's funeral. I wore a navy blue dress and black flats that I bought the day before Joshua was born thinking that I needed new shoes to wear to the funeral. (Think/Whisper "This is not the way things are supposed to be.") Our family all gathered in the McLean Room before the service with the pastors. We tried to keep Dylan and Lydia content and somewhat quiet. We processed into the sanctuary, sitting in the same seats we would have sat in if it was his baptism instead of his funeral. ("This was not the way things were supposed to be.") His little white casket was up front with flowers all around. The casket (which Dylan called a basket) was closed but I remember thinking this was the first time that our little family was together in the same room.

Two days earlier we spent 3 hours with our pastor planning the service. We chose the songs and the Scripture verses. My only criteria was chosing something appropriate. God did so much more. So many folks came up to us after the service and told us how blessed they were by the service and how it was one of the most worshipful times they have experienced. One of the elders in our church - a tall, military man - weeped as he told us how much he learned from the service and our circumstances. Praise the Lord for already using Joshua's life to further the Kingdom of God.

Martin and I wept through most of the singing. We sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness," "Better is One Day," and "Blessed Be Your Name." If you know those songs, a lot of those lyrics are hard to get through. Dylan and Lydia were with us in the first pew. I can't say they sat because Dylan was climbing or crawling on the floor most of the time and Lydia was in our arms. She hit her head on the pew and started crying. My mom took her out for a minute but then brought her back and Martin held her while she sucked her thumb. It was her naptime. As we walked out, I carried the assortment of toys and purses and headbands that the kids had strewn across the pew. (While all death is "not the way it's supposed to be," especially in our case, there's just something about children and funerals that says "this is not the way it's supposed to be.")

Saying Goodbye

Today we had a small private viewing for Joshua. Earlier, Martin and I took a small blue blanket, a newborn sleeper that Dylan had worn, a little premie shirt with a train on it that my friend Jan picked up for us on Monday, a white premie hat that we recieved in a care package from the hospital, and a cross pin that my mom bought to the funeral home so the folks there could dress him for us. He looked so precious. The blue blanket lay underneath his head and then was wrapped around his whole body. But just enough of his clothes were showing to see the cross pin on his shirt. My in-laws bought a cross pillow with flowers on it that they laid in the tiny white casket too.


Dylan decided not to go to the viewing. He said he wanted to see pictures later. We asked him to pick out a baby toy to give to Joshua that we would leave in the casket. He chose a little stuffed turtle that we kept in the kids' diaper bags for when we needed to occupy them with something quiet. Dylan said he chose it because it was soft.


Lydia decided to give Joshua the bear we got in the care package at the hospital. She said it was Joshua's. (We actually got two bears - Lydia latched onto the one that was in Joshua's bassinet and Dylan got an identical one for him to hold too. So, although she doesn't know it, we had Lydia give Joshua the one that Dylan got and kept the one that was in Joshua's bassinet.) There was a bear that came with Joshua's casket and we told Lydia that Joshua gave her that bear as she gave him the one from the hospital. We let Lydia see Joshua's body in the casket. She said (in that way that 2-3 year olds do when they actually asking for confirmation of what they are saying) that Joshua was sleeping (as Dylan said when he saw my grandfather at his viewing in 2008). We said yes but we also told her that Joshua was in heaven with Jesus and she later repeated that statement to us.

Knowing the truth about Joshua's salvation, I thought that I wouldn't have so much of an attachment to his body but I did. Seeing him for the last time on this earth was extremely difficult as you might imagine, especially since we only had such a short time with him. I wanted to try to memorize every inch of his tiny face. Somehow he had scratch on his cheek from the first time we saw him and both at the hospital on Friday and at the viewing today I would stroke his cheek with my finger where the scratch was. Martin and I "talked" to Joshua a little and told him we loved him and how we would never forget him. I just wanted to hold him and be with him longer. As one of my pastors said on Friday when he visited, that's not strange or denying the truth. His body is where he lived for 8 months and it's something tangible (in a situation where there aren't many tangible things to hold onto). I had been thinking about the kids and their need for something tangible to help their understanding of their brother's birth and death, but I'm also seeing my need for something tangible as well.

Baby News

Joshua Dietrich Etner (yes, a boy!) was born at 11:58pm on Thursday, November 24th (Thanksgiving). He weighed 2lbs, 3 oz and was 14.5 inches long. He went to be the Lord about a half hour after he was born. Martin and I had a sweet time with him in the operating room before his passing. Martin held him most all of his life outside the womb. I held his tiny head in my hand. Martin spoke to him about the people who loved him including his Savior and on cue after Martin finished a sentence, Joshua nodded his head while taking a breath.

The Lord gave us so many blessings in the events surrounding Joshua’s birth. First, since I went into labor on Thanksgiving, my parents were there to take care of Dylan and Lydia so we could leave quickly for the hospital (which we need to do since my water broke – this happened around 9pm). Second, obviously the biggest blessing was that he was born alive and that we got to spend time with him. This may not have occurred if he had not been breech and if we had not being planning to do a c-section. Joshua’s heartbeat started to decrease while we were at the hospital and the c-section kept getting moved up to the point that at the end (after I had gotten the local anesthesia) it became an emergency c-section. It turns out the placenta had come detached (probably starting when my water broke) and I would have had to have had a c-section anyway – but, if we hadn’t started the c-section prep from the time I got to the hospital there may not have been enough to get him out. Third, because the doctor had to hurry up at the end, Joshua was born before midnight, which means his birthday was not the same day he died. This was something that had been a desire of mine which the Lord gave me out of His abundance. We were also richly blessed by our friends and pastor who came to the hospital and were praying in a room down the hall when Joshua was born and the nurses and doctors who cared and supported us in so many ways. The nurse who was my delivery nurse on Thursday night took care of me again on Saturday night and helped me write down some notes on the details of Joshua’s birth story so I wouldn’t forget. She filled in the story from her perspective and helped us see how amazing it was. Praise the Lord.

As one of my friends pointed out, I now have a November child (five years after I thought I would have one) and so my blog will again be appropriately named for when I use it to recall the "Sweet November" memories of our little boy.

Week 37 update

We'll we made it to full term with the pregnancy. In an otherwise tough week I had ten friends take me out on Sunday to celebrate and honor our baby's life. I felt really honored and blessed. I also received a note yesterday from my great aunt in CA. She's someone I haven't seen in 18 years but she took the time to write me and tell me that she is praying for me.

We heard the baby's heartbeat again at the appointment on Tuesday. I've been feeling some movement higher up and was hopeful that she may have turned. They didn't do an ultrasound on Tuesday so we didn't find out if she did. The doctor said from what he could tell from examining me that she had not but he really couldn't say for sure. He said it was unlikely that she would. So we continued to discuss c-section. All the doctors in the practice discussed my case at their Tuesday morning meeting and the doctor that I saw yesterday conveyed to us that the consensus was that since we had gotten this far in the pregnancy, it would be best to minimize the stress on the baby from labor and do a c-section. We agree so assuming she is still breech when I go into labor, I'll be having a c-section. Apparently there is about a 20-30 minute window after the c-section where I wouldn't be able to hold her but she would be in the room and the doctor seemed to think that it would be more likely that I'd have more time with her if I have c-section which would be less stress on her than if I were not to have c-section even given that time window. Obviously there are no assurances and the only information we have to base decisions on is mushy so we need to be leaning on the wisdom, peace, and love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge and understanding.

We got a little bit of certainty in that the doctor asked us to schedule a c-section for 39 weeks (December 7th) in case I have not gone into labor at that time. So that tail of the uncertainty distribution has been cut short at least (my econ and math geek friends will understand how thinking about it in those terms is somewhat of a relief for me).

Martin and I both told our bosses this week and they were supportive. The hard part was asking questions to the HR reps who we don't know for answers to our questions about our very unique circumstances. We think that we will be able to make a claim for a life insurance policy through Martin's work to cover the funeral expenses. We were not able to add any coverage through my work. It's a really difficult time of year to be dealing with this sort of thing too (holidays with people out of the office, open seasons for benefits that confuse matters and have us making other benefit decisions at the same time, etc.).

We also met with the funeral home nearest our home on Tuesday. It was actually a huge relief to talk to them. Apparently the cost of an infant funeral is about a fourth of the cost of an adult funeral. The lady we were working with there also helped us call the cemetaries (something I was dreading doing). We are going to try to get as much planned ahead of time since it looks likely that I'll be in the hospital longer because of the c-section.

Thinking about what's going to happen in the next three weeks in pretty overwhelming. I plan on being in the office next week for 2-3 days and then working from home until the baby is delivered. Going to try to decorate the house for Christmas this Friday and get some pictures taken this weekend to try to make sure our Christmas celebration doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. Shopping and wrapping is probably not going to happen this year except for the kids but I'm guessing our families won't be offended by gift cards this year. Martin, my mom, and I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for 8 - in addition to my parents, my brother and my friend Amy are coming! It's nice not to have to travel.

Even in these circumstances, we are counting our blessings at this Thanksgiving because there are many. In some cases it's because of these circumstances that we have more blessings. We are thankful for our baby's life and the peace we have from God that her life is purposeful and that He will work all things for our good and His Glory. We are thankful for the comfort God has provided through His Word, our friends and family, and our children during this time. And we are thankful for the rich abundance of relationships and provisions that God given us.

Week 36 update

The doctor’s appointment this week was good, but a little hard. The baby’s heartbeat was 155 which was really good. The sonogram showed lots of fluid which was also good. But at the time the baby was breech. (Still no confirmation on boy or girl but we’re going with girl based on the last sonogram.) She’s small and there’s lots of room and fluid for her to move around so she could turn, but we have to be prepared to make a decision about a c-section. A c-section would help the baby's chances and would maybe allow us to see her longer but it's a c-section and I might not be able enjoy my time with her as much. I want to be able to hold her while I can. Given the size of the baby and how easily Lydia came out last time, the doctor said a vaginal breech birth should not be that difficult (he said he's done hundreds of vaginal breech births) but do we take the chance (doctor said it was about 5%) that the baby's arm or something would get stuck.

We saw the lead doctor (Dr. B) at our practice today. He's so nice and I felt very cared for by him. He changed my due date back to what I thought it should be (12/14) and told us he was going to discuss our situation with the rest of the staff so everyone would be ready. So I felt like he was really listening to me and my concern that the baby is coming soon more so than the other doctors (although I like the other ones too). Dr. B was also more (gently) frank with us about the baby’s condition whereas the other doctors may have avoided going into more details. He hugged us and really encouraged us in what we were doing. We discussed doing an amnio with him and he said he was willing to do it but he thought it was moot at this point. If for some reason it’s not a trisomy case, then there’s not anything that they or we could do differently. And the chances that it’s not trisomy are so small.

We've been blessed by the prayers of so many friends and family. I’ve really seen them working. I don’t even remember this but I guess I said I was tired in an email to some friends. I haven’t been noticeably tired since then. Also, we were able to decide on a girl’s name the same week we sent out the email.

We are still praying for the decisions we have to make and that we would wait upon the Lord during this time of uncertainty. I was encouraged by one of my dear friends today that God gives us the grace when we need it and so even though at times I fear the uncertainty of what’s to come, God will provide His comfort and His grace for the moments that I need them. I return to the doctor’s on Tuesday and we are also meeting with a funeral home that day. My parents and my brother are coming to town on Wednesday to spend Thanksgiving with us since I am obviously unable to travel at this point.

Sweet November

Today is the 6th anniversary of me starting my blog. And Sunday is Martin's and my 7th anniversary. While I haven't used this blog as much as I did at one point (blame or thank Facebook among other things), I am so thankful I have this record of my thoughts on career aspirations, my pregnancies, and my children's growth. The baby books may be sitting in my spare bedroom closet empty but at least I have my blog. Thank you all for reading and being involved in my life, especially during this time.

Dylan update

Dylan turned 5 on Sunday. Hard to believe. He has now decided to start calling us "Mom" and "Dad" instead of "Mommy" and "Daddy" proving that he is really a big kid now and in the process making us feel just a little old.

Let's see, big milestones over the past year - writing his name, loving every single day of preschool, moving up to a booster seat, riding a bike without training wheels, sleeping on the top of a bunk bed, hanging out with the neighborhood boys, going to children's church, singing in the choir, going to Vacation Bible School for the first time. It's been a good year. I feel like we've come out of a really hard stage we had with Dylan and he seems to be more compliant and eats better and is more helpful. That makes life a little easier but it's not a measure I necessarily want to use on my child's character or emotional development. Sort of like those stats we get from the doctor for his physical development - speaking of which - 36 lbs 6 oz in weight (25th percentile) and 40 and 3/4 inches in height (10th percentile). The doctor asked us (his parents) our heights and if either of us were late bloomers because according to our heights he should end up at about 5'10''. I'm pretty sure Martin was a late bloomer so we're expecting the same from Dylan. There are kids his age that are a whole head taller at this point but this still hasn't affected Dylan.

Things that have become clear to me about Dylan this year - he is the most extroverted person I know. If we leave him at the table to finish his breakfast while we get ourselves and Lydia dressed he yells from downstairs, "I'm scared to be alone!!" He's not scared scared but just can't stand the thought of being alone. This summer when preschool was out of session he wanted at least one playdate every day. He loves Bible Study and choir and preschool so much because he gets to be with his friends. We have very little privacy in our house (which we don't mind usually). How two, mostly introverted people ended up with Dylan is a mystery to us.

Another thing that I've noticed is that Dylan is all about schedules as I mentioned in the blog before. "What are we going to do today? What are we going to do tomorrow?" He is also very details-oriented too. The doctor even picked up on this at his appointment. The doctor asked him the name of his preschool teacher and he said Ms. Rose and the doctor said Miss Rose and he said no, Ms. Rose. He doesn't like me to refer to his booster seat as a car seat. "It's a booster seat Mom!" He's a fairly serious kid and pretty literal too.

Dylan has a great memory and really makes connections with what he learns, especially things he learns at church and Sunday school. Things we are still working on - counting, fine motor skills, doing all things without complaining, obeying immediately.

I'm looking forward to the next year for Dylan. He will start Kindergarten next year and we are actually going to an open house next week for a private Christian school we are considering. One of his preschool friends might be going there too. Whether we go that route or the public school within walking distance of our house, I'm confident that Dylan will do well. He seems to like the structure that school provides.

While Dylan is not a cuddler, he's still young enough to kiss and hug his mommy and I'm thankful for that. I'm getting all the hugs and kisses I can while he's still willing to provide them.

More recent update(s)

I just posted another update from last month (see the post before last) with some more recent info. I have another sonogram on the 15th and will post a "real time" update after that. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

What's going on with us....

Scroll down three posts to the one that I wrote back in August for a short explanation of a sad family situation. I've tried to tell most of you who read this blog (and I'm sure my number of readers has diminished) but for those I haven't I wanted to let you know what's going on as my due date approaches. I will try to update my blog as I have things to write about but for now not much as changed since August.

30 week update

Here's a picture before my 30-week appointment last week. We had a sonogram that day. The baby has continued to grow and the heartbeat has been strong and normal despite no change in the conditions that the 20 week sonogram showed. The doctors believe that it's Trisomy 18 (I'll let you do your own google search but basically the baby has an extra 18th chromosome and that has cause the abnormalities.)


The problems with the baby haven't caused me any pregnancy problems that a normal pregnancy would have. I'm just dealing with the regular 3rd trimester uncomfortableness and some hip pain that was similar to what I had with Lydia. I'm also having some sciatic nerve issues but again that isn't abnormal for pregnancy.


The sonogram I had was done in the doctors office by one of my obstetricians. He tried to tell us the sex of the baby since the baby's legs were crossed at the 20 week sonogram. He looked between the baby's legs and said, "well, I don't see anything so I'm pretty sure it's a girl." So we're going with girl for now but I'm not 100 percent sure.


At first we were concerned that the Trisomy 18 would cause pre-term labor but as time as gone on we have found that the pregnancy is a waiting game. Thankfully I have been able to feel her move pretty regularly so I haven't been as worried about hearing the baby's heartbeat as I go into my appointments. The baby could still pass away in utero before I'm full term but we are hopeful that she will make it through labor and that we will get to meet her even if it is for a few minutes. Of course nothing is guaranteed.

Emotionally, so much of this really hasn't hit us yet in the sense that the hard part is yet to come. Since we found out the sad news and dealt with the initial shock, life has gotten mostly back to normal except that at least once a week, I tell someone new about the baby. That's where we are right now, just telling people slowly and reading Scripture and books on loss and grief. We'll be meeting with our pastor soon too. As always we appreciate your prayers.

schedule

Back in May, I told you about the calendar I made for Dylan. I finally fixed it, motivated by our new schedule with the new school year so here's the pic. The pencils are for preschool and the kids holding hands are day care days. The music note is choir practice and/or music class. I think Dylan is just now starting to get the days of the week. There are a lot of things that didn't seem to be clicking in his brain for a while that now are. He counted to 30 for the first time this week. (But he's been able to name 30 different dinosaurs for a long time now, go figure.)

Oh the sweet, compassionate sovereignty of God

On Friday we found out through the 20-week ultrasound that our baby is not going to make it. The baby has a number of severe abnormalities and the pronosis is terminal. The doctors suspect it is a chromosonal issue but that has not been confirmed yet.


I've obviously been doing a lot of thinking and praying these past few days and I decided to start typing them out so I would remember the blessings that we have experienced these last few days and to help in the grieving process. If I decide to publish these entries they will be published only after a time lag, mostly because I haven't had a chance to tell people yet.


The biggest blessings have been our doctors at Tepeyac Family Center. They are obviously encouraging us in the decision to carry the baby as long at he or she lives and providing us with perinatal hospice care. Our church family has also been a huge blessing to us, offering us help and inviting us over for meals and such. Our other two children have also been a wonderful blessing. After telling Dylan that the baby will go straight to heaven to be with Jesus, Dylan very easily put two and two together and said "so we'll see the baby when we get there." (I'm learning a lot about the emotional capacity of a 4.5 year old. He doesn't cry about the baby because he knows we'll see him or her in heaven yet he had tears streaming down his face this morning because we ran out of raisens for his cereal.) When we are sad, Dylan preaches to us and reminds us of the joy of our salvation. Lydia (in her 2.5-year old demanding voice) tells me to sing in the car when Dylan's VBS CD is playing (for example "How Great Thou Art" or "He Reigns"). It has been a good reminder for me to make sure I'm singing and talking to the baby in case he or she can hear us since this may be the only chance we get to talk to him or her alive.


Other than these blessings we have also seen the work of God supporting us in all this. From leading us to Tepeyac to giving me the wisdom not to tell work that I was thinking about leaving to giving us two other wonderful children before this loss, God has definitely lessened the blow from this devestating news. I shared this with one of my pastors over the weekend and he said "oh the sweet, compassionate sovereignty of God." Amen. Even last week, I had just read (and posted here on my blog) probably one of the most applicable Bible verses to apply to our situation. The Pharisees ask Jesus why a man was born blind, did he sin or his parents and in John 9:3 Jesus answers them with "this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in his life." I have no desire to ask why. (Maybe why us? but not in the sense of why is God making us suffer but why is God trusting us with helping to display his works.) So I also see God sustaining us with His peace in our hearts at this time.

Far, far above my thoughts

Far, far above your thought his counsel shall appear,
When fully he the work has wrought that caused your needless fear.

-Commit Now All Your Griefs,Words by Paul Gerhardt and John Wesley

The words of this hymn and the following Scripture spoke to me this week:

this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him - John 9:3

In my thinking of the decision about work, while the peace and comfort and security of my family is a reasonable objective, my ultimate goal and prayer should be that "the works of God" would be displayed in my life. And instead of trying to "solve" the problem by analyzing and agonizing over the decision day in and day out, I need to let God "wrought the work" through His counsel which is far, far above my thoughts. This is so hard for me to do.

Week 18 Update

The doctors appointment last week went well. Heartbeat was good. Sonogram is scheduled for the 29th so just 2.5 more weeks and we will hopefully find out if the kids have a little brother or a little sister.

I'm slowly slowly getting more and more energy back. I get tired (and cranky as my husband will tell you) right before meals but I'm not sure that's much different than normal.

I finally told work this week. Everyone said congratulations. I got a less than positive reaction from one co-worker but he has given me less than positive reactions for all three pregnancies so I'm trying to let that slide off my back.

Week 17 Update

I think the Vitamin D supplement helped because I'm not quite as tired. But I still feel pretty tired. Getting up to go to work is hard and commuting home is tough too. I'm wondering if that is adding to my thoughts on quitting. As I mentioned in a comment, I'm thinking about telling work I'm taking 6 months off and then making the final decision when I'm in non-pay status (the last 3 months of that). That way we'll see what it's like trying to live off of one salary. One thing that supports the quitting decision is that I found out that for Dylan to qualify for school aged childcare, I'd have to work 30 hours a week minimum. I've really been feeling that 30 hours is too much and 25 was much better. So that would complicate things.


I've been feeling the baby move and kick a little. That's exciting and helps it feel more real. I still need to tell my boss and make the facebook announcement. I'm thinking I'll do that next week. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I'll get the order for the sonogram so I can schedule. I'm really excited to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We'll have to decide if we are bringing the kids along or not. Dylan didn't come to Lydia's sonogram but he was younger.

Other recent pics of the kids

Cute outfit from FL Grandma with cute shoes from PA Grandma.

Last day of Pre-school

Easter

Week 15 Update

Well, now I'm just tired. Turns out I'm low on vitamin D so that might have something to do with it. Doctor told me to an extra vitamin each day for vitamin D. Hopefully that will help. I seemed to do fine at camp though. I did a lot of walking but felt really good. Can't I go to camp all summer? Dinnertime seems to be the worst.


We heard the baby's heartbeat at the last doctor's appointment. It was in the 150s, same as my other two. Can't wait to find out what we are having. Hopefully I can schedule a sonogram before the end of July.


I feel like this pregnancy is going to go on forever. There's so much to do with the first one so I guess that makes the time go faster. I just feel like it's taking forever and I just want to hold the baby...and quit work. Maybe I'm just impatient about wanting to quit work. But then again I not one to enjoy being pregnant but I do enjoy babies so maybe I'm just not content with being pregnant. It's going to be a long 6 months.


Speaking of the whole work thing, I've been feeling like a need a plan though to keep my skills up and facilitate a reentry at some point. If I don't go out with a plan I might never come back. So I found this website (Flexforce Professionals) that post jobs for people who want to work 15-20 hours from home which would be ideal for me. Most of the postings however seem to be in accounting so I'm thinking of taking the classes I would need to get my CPA. This is still a preliminary idea but I think I would enjoy that type of stuff. I could get hired by a local small business or something. The financial education (teaching people how to budget) route is still open and I could look into financial planning (would require certification) too.



Lydia is practicing potty training more now. We took a potty to daycare for her. She was dry two mornings in a row which was encouraging, but she has had a number of accidents too. I'm getting impatient (hmm, seeing a theme?) about moving her to a big girl bed. I don't want to have to put her down in the crib anymore.


On funny thing about Lydia - she keeps asking how the baby is going to get out of my belly. (How baby get out, mommy?) I told her that Mommy is going to go to the hospital and the doctor will help the baby get out in a very special way. That will satisfy her until the next time she asks. (She asks many of the same questions on a daily basis so it's not just this one that gets repeated.) Dylan did overhear once and followed up with a "How?" In a very special way....

Week 13 update

The first trimester have been all about me but I guess that's the way it was for the other two too. It's just such a drain on the mommy's body. I've been feeling better except for two things - smells that cause me to gag and being really tired. I'm hoping it's going to get better soon especially since I'll be at camp next week.





The sonogram I had went well although I'm not sure it was worth it. Sure it was neat seeing the baby and his/her heartbeat but really there wasn't much to see. Also, the doctor said the baby was measuring a week behind what we had calculated as my due date. She thinks I might have ovulated late but I know I didn't. She pushed my due date back to December 21st (my mom's birthday) but I still think I'll deliver the first week (or first third) of December. And you can quote me on that.





I created a little baby registry/wish list on Amazon. Not much that we need (at least for the baby) but there are some things that we just never got that I figured I'd put up there - like a spout cover for the bathtub.





We got a mini-van a few weeks ago. It's a used silver 2011 Toyota Sienna. We all love it.







I haven't told work that I'm pregnant yet and I'm not going to until I get back from vacation on the 20th. I've actually been able to make it without wearing maturity clothes to work. My shorts and jeans are a different story though. My little belly belt expander thing has come in handy so far. I need to better organize my maternity clothes.




The other things on the pre-baby to do list: book babymoon, potty train Lydia, move Lydia to a big girl bed (starting the process now by not rocking her before bedtime - I know, should have done that a long time ago - she's my baby), run all the plastic baby toys through the dishwasher, get out all the infant stuff we stored, buy bunkbeds, buy a booster seat for Dylan for the car, finish our will.