Lydia-isms

One reason for the blog is to remember fun things that the kids do.  I haven't kept up with that as well as I should and I use facebook for that too but since I'm on a break from facebook (so that I'm diligent about my studies) and we've had a couple good laughs over some things Lydia has said lately, I'm going to post them here now.

Two days ago I was taking Lydia to sign up for t-ball.  We're in the car and and out of the blue she says, "Mommy, I have a lot of dreams about being a super dog."  Where do you go with that?

Then today at dinner the kids were being kinda loud and Lydia starts yelling "Bock" really loudly.  She did that a couple times and then through the giggles she says "erupting chicken!"  Now you have to know that Lydia often likes to take jokes and substitutes different animals in the place of the ones in the jokes.  So we figured she meant interrupting chicken as in interrupting cow in the knock knock joke.  But erupting chicken was so much more appropriate.  You had to be there!

Yes there is a theme here with animals.  She loves stuff animals much more than dolls too.

There are other times when Lydia will just tell me something out of the blue that she likes, like "I like when Daddy uses his wrench" or "remember when we went to that park."

We have Lydia's last preschool parent-teacher conference on Monday.  Can't wait to hear what else her teacher tells us.  

Week 16 update

The "practice" sonogram (I got to be a model for the first time in my life! - and probably last) went really well.  Everything looks good and our little guy was moving around a lot.  It was fun to just watch while the nurses were practicing on me.  Baby is still measuring right on and maybe a little ahead of schedule (at least according to head size but my children have big heads).  Heartbeat at the sonogram was 160.  My appointment today went well too.  Heartbeat was 153 and my blood work was good.  Full sonogram is scheduled for February 26th.

I'm finally just now feeling better.  That cold that I had put me in bed for over 2 days and I had a lingering cough for about a week and then a headache from all the coughing for a couple days.  So I'm just starting to feel the second trimester energy.

I haven't had an real cravings this pregnancy, unless you count carbs and junk food.  If I had to pick something, I'd say tomato sauce and pizza.  Every time I see a commercial on tv, I've wanted to order pizza.

Not much to "get ready" for this time around, other than the lack of sleep.  The biggest thing is picking a name.  We have a few names that we both agree on so there's progress.  Working on thinking of some middle names now.  We have most everything we need but I did start an amazon wish list.  The biggest thing there is a car seat.  Going to try to stick with the cloth diapers to keep costs down and for environmental reasons so we'll see how that goes.  That's about all for this week.

Week 14 update

Big praise since last update - we received the results of the free cell genetic blood test - no chromosome problems and we're having a boy!  We found out at my appointment on the 3rd.  Dylan is very excited and after a few initial tears, Lydia is excited too.  I was in an emotional stupor for a few days after getting the results because I was getting nervous about the results.  We had the blood drawn on December 19th and even with the holidays I would have thought we would have heard something by then so I assumed that there was bad news and they wanted to tell us in person.  Turns out the doctor hadn't gotten the test results in the mail so they called the company and had them faxed over while I got my exam.  The doctor read the results to us in the hallway so I knew then it was good.  But yeah, the normal oh my goodness something is wrong feeling that a lot of women get right before an appointment was super magnified for me at that appointment.  After a day or so of emotional release I was able to thank God and start telling more people about the pregnancy.  Since then we've told most people at our church and the kids' school.  We'll probably put something in the church bulletin soon but we'll wait until after the ultrasound to do the facebook announcement.  Next week I have a "practice" sonogram at Metro Women's Health - a pregnancy center that is just getting its ultrasound services up and running so I volunteered to be a guinea pig for the sonographer training.  Then I have another appointment on the 29th.

My morning sickness has pretty much subsided as of this week but then I got really tired and then I got a cold.  So just trying to rest (well, "trying" depends on what there is to do - laundry, then I rest well; out with friends, I don't do so well at trying, although I did skip a babysitting co-op meeting and bible study this week so mostly I'm resting well in the evenings - probably because I did a bad job of resting during the day).  The time to rest has been good to get a head start on my classes that started this week.  I know I won't be able to keep up for long.  I'm going to have to spend most every second that the kids are both in school with my head in the book to keep up.  So I probably won't be on FB much.  Martin is still doing the cooking since I'm so sick and tired.  Waiting for the second trimester energy boost to kick in.

While announcing that we are pregnant to folks at church I found out that there are 7 more women who are pregnant and due (I think) in June or July.  Then there are another 3 I know at church who are due before that.  Looks like another baby boom.  I'm exciting to be pregnant with these women and to have children in the same class.  Oh and one of our neighbors is pregnant and due in June with a girl.

Someone mentioned to me oh, it will be good to have a baby in the summer so you can get out of the house and take the baby for a stroll.  I wonder what that will look like with Dylan and Lydia.  Let me see....Dylan running up ahead around the corner so I can't see him and Lydia trying to climb on the stroller to get a ride.  Time to think of ground rules....  maybe we'll stick to the parks and playgrounds instead of walking in the neighborhood unless Daddy is around.  Our double stroller converts into a sit and stand so that may be the solution for Lydia but how do you solve a problem like the D-man?  Regardless, getting exciting for the new adventure...just gotta get through all this school work!      

Catching up....

To catch up with what's been going on in our family, go back the sixth of november (literally) and read forward....

I can't believe she's 5!

Lydia is 5 today!  She can't be this old!  For some reason 5 didn't hit me as much as with Dylan as it is with Lydia.  Maybe because she is the younger one and it's hard to believe she's growing up too.

Milestones this year:  her first haircut in March, singing in the choir for the first time (and, as shown in the picture, wearing a skirt for the first time in 3 years) starting to read (three letter words), hiking without having to be carried in a backpack, writing her name with a capital and the rest lower case letters, counting to 100, and moving into a booster seat in the car.

Lydia is in the Boa class in preschool and goes on MWFs.  She also takes dance lessons for an hour a week - half ballet, half tap.  She loves dancing in front of the mirrors.  Lydia is also doing great at her swimming lessons and is able to put her face in and is hoping to swim underwater before summer.  I've signed her up for t-ball for the spring so we'll see how that goes.

Highlights of this last year were keeping up with Dylan, spending time with Mommy at home starting in the fall (when I quit work), going to the pumpkin patch, having many playdates at the preschool playground, going to Pine Springs Camp with Mommy, Dylan, and Pennsylvania Grandma, and going to Great Wolf Lodge on vacation.

Lydia still loves to be held and read to and still sucks her thumb.  We tried giving her an incentive to quit (if you don't suck your thumb for 10 days, we'll buy you the stuffed animal you wanted) but that didn't work.  This year we may be taking a harder line approach.  She doesn't do it at school so I'm not too concerned but I guess it's more of a dental thing at this point.  Lydia is still a great helper, especially in the kitchen, at Dylan's school, and at the grocery store.

I can only think of one word she cutely incorrectly pronounces (vitium for vitamin) but there may be more.  Lydia's favorite foods are mac and cheese, cheese quesadillas, grilled cheese, pizza, and yogurt (do you notice a theme here?).  Her favorite toys are stuffed animals and recently she has become infatuated with penguins.  She also knows most of the names of the Skylanders that Dylan plays with.

Lydia is doing better on her shyness.  It's just with adults who she doesn't know very well.  She talks to all kids she knows.  If some overly outgoing kid comes up to her at the playground and says "Hi, I'm so and so, wanna play?" she would probably run the other way but once she knows the kid she plays talks and plays a lot.

Lydia is content with so many things.  Even just little things.  She is happy just sitting on my lap or just going for a walk.  We've had some really special times, particularly on Tuesday mornings this fall when we don't have to go anywhere, and she is just a joy to be around.  She's up for most anything and is always happy to be with her family.

Week 12 update

The big news this week is that we told our families and the kids.  Needless to say everyone is super excited.  The kids keep talking about the baby and asking all kinds of questions - how is the baby eating? how does the baby go to the bathroom? etc.  I'm actually getting hugs from Dylan again because he wants to hug the baby.  Dylan hopes that it's a boy and Lydia is hoping that it's a girl.  We should find out by the end of the week!  Dylan is now counting the number of siblings that he is older than and Lydia is interested in all the things we'll need for the baby.  When we were praying last night I said we should pray for the baby and Dylan says, yeah, we gotta pray that the baby won't die.

I've been feeling better but that might have to do with the fact that we were traveling all week and that's kept my mind off of being sick.

Week 10 update

Still feeling sick in the afternoon and evening mostly.  Martin's been cooking the last few nights since I haven't been able to make myself go into the kitchen.  I think it's getting better though.  I can eat as long as I don't have to cook.  I've been eating out a lot.

The weird thing is I've been freezing for weeks.  Granted its cold outside and our thermostat was set at Jaromir Jagr which means it was Mario Lemieux (#pittsburghdad) downstairs but still, the cold doesn't usually bother me this much.  I just can't regulate my body temp or something.  I'm constantly cold.  I never complained about being hot when I was pregnant in the summer so maybe I have the reverse problem.  I guess I was only every at most 7 months pregnant during the summer but still.  I guess we'll see in June when it's hot if I'm complaining then too.

I've been sleeping in a lot too so I'm tired but getting my sleep.  I think I've given up on working out until at least after new years.  We'll see how I feel then.  I just count it a victory that I'm able to get thing ready for Christmas, keep up with the day to day stuff, and finish my class.

Can't wait to tell the family next week and then find out the results of the test (which we'll have done tomorrow) and find out if we're having a boy or a girl.  I think we figured out how we are going to tell the kids.  It will be fun!

Dylan update part b

Dylan had his 7 year old checkup today and we had our first parent teacher conference of the year.

Dylan gained 5 lbs and 2.5 inches this year, remaining in the 10th percentile at 43 lbs and 45.5 inches.  Dr. Karp asked him a lot of questions and told him a lot of stories.  He seemed to spend a lot of time with us.  He said Dylan looked great.

We also got a good report from his teacher.  Dylan is right on track with reading and writing and 'rithmatic.  She said he is a delight and is creative and a hard worker.  He just needs to work on sitting still when it's time for that.  Dylan was "secure" in most of his academic work and all the rest were "developing" on track.

Week 8 Update

Today, December 4th, we had the first ultrasound.  Everything looked good!  The baby is measuring right on schedule (maybe even a little ahead of schedule) which is a huge praise since Joshua was over a week behind even at this point.

Saw Dr. Fisk and he said they can't do the genetic blood test until 10 weeks so I'll  have it done before Christmas but probably won't get the results until after Christmas.  So we'll tell the folks and the kids at Christmas and tell them we will know the results in a week.

Since the last update, the morning sickness has hit hard.  The Saturday after Thanksgiving was the worst.  I get it bad after lunch and after dinner.  And I'm really tired.  I fall asleep just sitting on the couch. My family didn't suspect anything when they were here though.  Ugh, four or five more weeks of this!  Could be worse.

Another week of anniversaries

Today ends a week of Joshua anniversaries.  His birthday, his heaven day, Thanksgiving (on which he was born), the day after (on which he died), the day of his funeral (yesterday), and the day of his burial (today).

Some friends sent us these beautiful flowers last Saturday.  We got a couple cards.  But not many people remember after the 1 year anniversary.  I don't blame them.  I don't remember the anniversaries of my friends' loved one's deaths.  It's just extra special when someone does remember.  On Joshua's birthday we went out to lunch with a few friends at the same place we went last year and then went to the cemetery with them for a short time.  We sprinkled rose petals (from my anniversary roses that were dying) on Joshua's grave.  Lydia did actually and she did it like she was flower girl in a wedding.  It was COLD as usual at the cemetery so we didn't stay long.  The next day we went to see the lights at Meadowlark Gardens like we did last year.

My struggle this year was keeping up the traditions.  Last year, I wanted to a few things for Joshua's birthday that we could do every year as a tradition because traditions are an important tool for remembering, especially for the kids and it helps not having to think of something to do on each anniversary.  Because if you don't do something to remember the person you've lost, you feel guilty.  Human nature.  The Meadowlark Garden things is kinda expensive and doesn't change from year to year and it was cold so I really didn't want to go.  I compromised and went on Monday the 25th (when it was cheaper) instead of on Joshua's birthday.  But I'm not sure if we'll continue to do it because it feels like we're doing it only because we said we would.  But maybe that's still a good reason for some traditions.  Going to that Peruvian chicken place will be out next year though.  I just chose that place because I didn't want to have to plan where to go.  Plus there's apparently a much better Peruvian chicken place right down the street.  We'll still go to the cemetery of course and take something special.  Maybe balloons next year.  You want to do something but everything you can think of doing seems trivial.  So I guess you just keep on doing it.   

Week 6 update

Today, November 20th, I had my first doctor's appointment.  I met with the PA and really liked her.  She knew my chart and I didn't have to repeat sad details that she should have known because she was on top of it.

I'm not having too much anxiety about the pregnancy which is good.  I'm a lot healthier than I was going in last time for what that's worth.  But at first I was going to snub all the "rules" (within reason) like no alcohol, no hot tub, no soft cheese, but then that cause some anxious feelings so I'm going to stick to the rules... : )

I still won't have a amnio or a CVS test but there are some blood screens that I could have and it would be nice to get some good results from those before we start telling more people.  I found out more about a new non-evasive genetic blood screen (but it's pretty close to a test) at the appointment today.  They take the mom's blood and can separate out the baby's genetic material to determine if there are any genetic disorders.  With my risk factors (age and previous genetic issue) the insurance should pay for it.  It can be done as early as 9 weeks and it takes 1 week to get the results so it looks like we'll be able to know right before Christmas.  Assuming good results, we'll tell our families and the kids on Christmas.  

I'll go back to the doctor in 2 weeks for an ultrasound.  At this ultrasound, Joshua was measuring really small already (10 or so days behind) so for us, if this baby is measuring on time, we will take that as a very good sign,

I think I started to having a little bit of morning sickness on Saturday.  It started just before and after lunch.  I think I waited too long to eat and then had maybe too much at once.  I remember that happening before.  I felt sick if I didn't eat but then I also felt sick if I did eat.  Need to remember small and frequent meals.  I'm also starting feeling tired earlier than usually (6,7,8 pm instead of 9 or 10 pm).

I've been keeping up with my exercising that I've been doing since I quit work.  Aerobics with some weights twice a week and then swimming once a week.  Hoping to keep that up as long as possible.

On being (mostly) out of the workforce

When most people ask me how my voluntary unemployment is going I say that I like it and I'm still busy.  All true.  But here's the longer answer.

I still base how well my life is going on how many things I'm getting done.  So I keep having to remind myself of all the things I'm doing that aren't on any list to cross off or are less concrete.  I'm exercising again and losing weight (slowly) but more importantly that's keeping me healthy.  I can even put that on a list - a goal list.  Our life is less hectic, particularly during dinnertime (goal, check).  This is the first year that Dylan has had homework and with that and piano lessons/practice, getting home at 6:30pm three days a week and trying to do dinner and getting the kids in bed by 8pm would have been crazy.  Now we have time for family worship after dinner and some wrestling time with daddy.  And Martin is less stressed and doesn't have to cook dinner as much.

I've gotten to do some things that I was never able to do before - take Lydia on playdates with her friends from school, go on the annual trip to Cox farms with Dylan's school, take Lydia to the Frying Pan Park, have time for the kids to just be home and play, be around for Dylan to have playdates with the neighbors, and have time for last minute shopping trips when I forget to get a gift for someone.  Things are a lot less stressful as far as our schedule.  I spend a lot of time at the playground.  My kids are enjoying the outdoors (a priority for our family) and I'm being available to connect with people there.

And as I recently read in Simplicity Parenting, it's this downtime where real connection with your children are made.  These intangibles (being more healthy, more quality time, etc.) are hard things for this to do list person.

I got a bunch of little projects done and even some work on a big project in that first month after I quit.  But life fills up quick and even things that I agree to that I don't think will take much of my time end up do taking time.  Plus, I'm not very disciplined.  If I have 20 minutes before going to pick up the kids, I'm not going to read or clean a bathroom or file papers, I'm going to check facebook.  Some of the best advice I ever got was to chop up every job until 15 minute chunks.  That's the way to get things done.  Then, even when you have a few minutes, you make progress.  

I've decided to inject a little more structure into my 12 hours per week that the kids are in school so that I can see more fruit.  I'm going to take 3 classes in the spring.  So hopefully I will feel more of an urgency to be diligent about my school work.  I think I can handle the load because I've had the prof already and she is easy and the other classes don't have any prereqs and are usually taken as 8 week classes and I'm going to take them as 16 week classes.

But mostly I just need to enjoy this time that I'm in.  And I need to celebrate progress and not focus on what's not done.

I realized that there were a lot of things that I was doing at work and know I have to do them at home so I didn't gain quite as much time as I thought I might.  And I do miss work and the issues and the people.  I went to a meeting for something at Dylan's school and I was so into it and feeling like I was back in the game again.  So it's hard when you like both (or many) things, determining how to spend your time.  If I could do work for 15 hours per week, when I wanted to do that work (no set hours), I'd be working now.  The 30 hours per week scheduled work hours was too much but I'd love to find another arrangement to get back in the game.  All in good time.  Just going to enjoy this season for now.  It's a good one.  

Baby #4 due to arrive in July

I found out today (November 6th, our anniversary) that I'm pregnant with our fourth child.  Yea!!!  So excited.  Happy anniversary to us!  Sweet November!

You won't be reading this until January because we decided not to tell the kids until Christmas.  Well, we decide not to tell our families until Christmas and you can't tell a 7 year old and 4 year old a secret.

This is the first time I've really felt the profoundness of the decision we made to have a child.  Dylan wasn't planned and the decisions to have Lydia and Joshua were just sort of what came next.  This time we had to think hard about whether we wanted another child.  God is sovereign but I still I felt the weight of the decision in the sense that we would be changing the course of our lives forever.  That's exciting and weighty to me.

So the due date is July 16th and since all the rest of our kids were born within a day of a holiday and were early I'm expecting this little on on July 5th.  God's timing is great.  The big kids will be out of school and done with most of their activities for the summer and I won't have too much on my plate with school stuff.  I'm taking classes in the spring semester but they will be done in early May.  Still hoping to go to Moms and Tots at Pine Springs Camp in early/mid June but that might be pushing it.  And of course I couldn't go through a pregnancy with how it affects my work schedule so I'm hoping that the contract work I was hoping to do with the FDIC is still doable.  It is nice to not be working and not have that stress of going to work with morning sickness or telling the boss.  Also, having done this before a few times, it's nice to be able to just focus on praying for my child and dreaming about having a newborn rather than the other concerns that I thought about the other times (like what can/can't I do/eat/etc, planning, shopping, and work issues).  

I'm exciting about bringing a baby home to this house.  THEN it will be our house.

Another thing I'm excited about is that I think having another child after losing one is going to give me more opportunities to talk about Joshua which I love.  People tend to ask pregnant women more questions about their families (what number is this?  how were your other pregnancies? etc.) so I'll get opportunities to honor my third child as well and be excited for the new baby.  And at church the announcement will say "expecting their fourth child."  

I'm excited that Lydia will be home with me on Fridays next school year (K is only 4 days a week at their school) so I can get those special times of me taking care the baby and she helping or mimicking me by caring for her dolls.

And I get to finish the LHOTP series!  I read the first 3 books to Dylan and the second 3 books to Lydia so I need to finish the last 3.  And I'm excited to have a baby close in age to some friends who have had babies recently.

I'm also excited for the challenge of caring for a newborn and having two school-aged kids with all their running around and activities.  Given the high priority I place on breastfeeding and sleep (for the child) this is certainly a challenge.

Going to try to keep up with the blogging every week or every other week throughout the pregnancy.

Meet the newest members of the Etner Clan

Dylan Jr. and Delta.

We got out of the pet store without too much damage.  We contemplated a guinea pig but it would have been a lot of expense and work and so we were fortunate that Dylan was glad to get some fish.

Seven Years Old!

Happy Birthday to our first-born! Dylan has had many accomplishments this year.  The highlight was playing on a baseball team for the first time.  Dylan continues to practice baseball in the back yard even now in the off season. Dylan also performed in his first piano recital with gusto!  He played one of the hardest pieces that he learned all year and played it with authority.  He has a really good ear and picks up most pieces by ear fairly quickly.  But don't ask him if he likes piano.

Another major accomplishment was learning how to read.  Dylan is pretty proficient but still prefers me to read to him at night.  Over the summer he participated in the county library's reading program and had added incentive from Daddy - read 100 books and you can go to an amusement park!  Dylan went above and beyond that incentive.  His favorites were Hi Fly Guy and Don't let the Pigeon Drive the Bus.  Dylan had a really smooth transition to 1st grade and the 5 day school week.  First grade brought home work for the first time as well as spelling tests.  In a class of 80 percent boys, he enjoys going to school each day and says that school is easy.  We have yet to find an end to his energy and recently Martin explained to someone that Dylan is just so much of an extrovert that he gets more energized by going to school and being around people so school doesn't tire him out.

I know Dylan has grow a bunch this year since he is eating more and his pants don't fit (lengthwise, of course) but we won't get the official measurement until December when he goes for his check up (I called a month in advance and still had to take an appointment 6 weeks after his birthday.)

Dylan has now lost a total of 8 teeth so four more since his birthday last year.  He was without his front teeth for most of the holiday season last year.  He still has two holes on top waiting for the other two top teeth to come in.  

Dylan is still very much into Wii and the Skylanders game that he got last birthday.  He and his friends often pretend play Skylanders.  Dylan has also taken to building things with wood in the back yard and still enjoys climbing trees.  He's all boy.

Last year Dylan asked for a pet.  I told him we could get one when he's seven.  Well, he hasn't forgotten so tonight after dinner at Chipotle (his pick) we will head over to Petco in search of a family pet.  I'm hoping we find something that's not too much work.  Thinking like a fish or water frog or maybe a gerbil or a lizard.  Stay tuned.

License to Consult

I'm officially a business.  I obtained my business license from the town this week.  (Don't get me started on the ridiculousness of the bureaucracy, but I have to mention that I had to get an occupancy permit to sit at my personal computer in my personal house and earn money.)  The license says "consulting."  So feel free to consult me on anything you'd like...:)  I guess I put too many things on the application...wedding coordinating, government contracting, bookkeeping.  I may not be doing as much bookkeeping as soon as I hoped.  I found out recently that I need the equivalent of one year full time experience working in accounting before I can get my CPA license.  And working for yourself does not count.  I need to get that experience in a maximum time period of three years.  In other words, I can't work 10 hours per week for 4 years.  But I may be able to do 10 hours per week for 2 years and then 20 hours per week for 1 year.  So if I'm going to need to do that I'm not sure I can also run a bookkeeping business on the side.  But I'm still feeling like there are lots of opportunities out there.  I may just take a client or two to get my feet wet and then go work for someone else for a while.  But now I have the license to do that.

Of course I may go to work for my former employer for a while too.  My former boss called me about a week ago.  He asked me how I was liking staying home.  After I told him I was enjoying myself, he said, I was afraid of that.  But as long as I have a task that I can do from home I may start contracting back to them next year.  Or I might start getting my experience for the CPA.  Still lots of opportunities.
I'm not bored at home though.  That's for sure.  I've been exercising consistently for about 2 week which is great.  Then I have my class work and volunteering and between those and just the normal day to day stuff, which includes lots of playground time with the kids these days, I barely have time for the projects I've been hoping to get done.  But I do have a little time each week, I just need to be diligent about it.

Experiencing redemption

In my walk with grief, I've found that hearing tearful but joyful stories of God's redemption are really good for my soul.  This has led me to become more involved in a ministry to the unborn at Assist Crisis Pregnancy Center.  On Thursday October 3rd, Assist will have their annual banquet and the speaker will be my OB/GYN Dr. John Bruchalski.  Dr. B founded the Tepeyac Family Center, an OB/GYN practice that assists women in crisis pregnancies or those with financial difficulties, a lack of health insurance, or other special circumstances, providing them with access to the same excellent medical services that are available to their other patients.  In addition, Tepeyac provides hospice care for unborn children with terminal prognoses like Joshua.  After losing Joshua, I have a renewed heart for the women facing crisis pregnancies of all kinds and their babies.  In a small way, I've been there.  Hearing the stories of lives saved and women restored is so encouraging to me now and if you are in the area, I would like to invite you come with me to the banquet.  There is no cost to attend the banquet but an offering will be taken.  Click here to register or contact me directly.  You can also check out Assist's website here.

What a great week!

My first week of unemployment has been great!  Even that first Saturday was good because I didn't feel like I need to get everything done that day before the week started again.  On Monday I took Lydia to the teddy bear festival on the town green and we met up with some preschool friends there and had lunch at Whole Foods.  It was great talking to the mom and just feeling like I could be present without worrying about getting back to get my work hours in.  Lydia came home and at one point we were dancing and twirling in the kitchen and just having fun.  There were so many of those little moments this week.  Like seeing Dylan right when he comes home from school and just coming home after school and not running to do other things.  I read a book to the kids when Dylan came home and we practiced piano before dinner, which I made.  I also did a lot of little chores that I never seemed to have time for.  AND that was just the first day.  Later in the week I was able to call a friend who just had a baby just to check on how she was doing and I was available for another friend who wanted to bounce an idea off of me and felt like she was more free to call me now that she knows I wasn't working.  Our dinner time is not as rushed and we actually had some family worship time while the kids were finishing eating.  Even Martin said, "I feel like I should be doing something" one day when he came home but there was nothing else that he needed to do except play with the kids.  We just have some much more time now.  I'm sure it will fill up but for now I'm just going to enjoy this new pace.

I only had a tinge of "what is my purpose/value?" thinking. And maybe a tiny worry when I realized that every single car expense we have other than gas hits in the month of October, my first month without a paycheck.  Oh, and I realized that the mommy guilt really doesn't go away because now I just feel guilty for letting my kids watch TV or for checking facebook when they are awake.

So, on balance, just a great week and feeling so blessed that I am able to do this.  

Last Day

Today's my last day at the FDIC.  Lots of mixed emotions.  I'm definitely happy and excited and a number of people have told me how happy I look.  I'm also nervous and a little sad.  Sad to be saying goodbye to my co-workers and my projects.  Nervous about future decisions and being able to get a job again.  I'm been trying to firm up some connections and opportunities before I go so that has me thinking about the future and that brings the anxiety.  So I have new opportunities to trust God with the future. 

It's also hard to leave the stuff I've worked on for so many years.  Some of my research never amounted to much policy-wise and tossing so many papers acknowledges that.  But I did pass on a lot of my files to my co-worker, in case the issues ever come up again.  I have some of those "did it really matter?" feelings. 

One of my co-workers said I looked like I just graduated high school.  A clear plate and nothing but the future to gaze upon.  But of course life still goes on and in the mist of this monumental day I'm also dealing with car repairs and schedules and phone calls for this and that.  So that makes it a little less anti-climatic. 

But next week when I don't have to into work or put in my hours on my computer at home I'll be thankful for the freedom and the time to spend with the kids and Martin.  Right now it's still sinking in and I'm not enjoying the benefits yet, like the whole new slower rhythm of life.  Can't wait!

"You're making a big mistake!"

Yep, that's what my boss wrote in my going away card.  He also said, "but you'll be welcomed back."  I really need to take stuff like this as a compliment but if people knew how much I question myself, especially on big decisions, they would know this is not a good thing to say to me.  When I left Treasury, I had a co-worker who said that I was making a mistake and he also made it personal, saying I was basically betraying my then boss.  Thankfully, no one has done that yet here.  Oh, and this week my boss also has made more than one reference to indentured servant-hood, bemoaning why it is no longer in existence.  Do you see what I'm dealing with here?  Every day someone tells me "it's not too late to change your mind." 

To be fair and balanced, I also have a number of folks, the ones I truly admire, that have said, good for you, good decision, you'll never regret it, you're really smart for doing this, etc.  And some great friends at work who understand and are celebrating with me.  The gal who is going to bear the brunt of my absence picked out some wonderful going away gifts for me - a DC hikes book, a gift certificate to Sports Authority, family friendly trail mix, tea, a mug that says "you rock," and some spa stuff (soap, nail polish, etc).  She said the hiking gifts were for spending time with my family and the spa gifts were for the "me" time that I will hopefully now have.  So sweet. 

We had a going away lunch today at Old Ebbitt and then cupcakes back at the office when they gave me the gifts and the card.  Yesterday was the 12 year anniversary of the start of my government career.  I feel a completeness at leaving at this time.  One of the major crisis programs that I worked on has no come to an end and I don't feel like I'm leaving mid-project on anything really. 

Only three days left in the office.  I will definitely miss the projects and coming into the city and the friends I have here.  But I'm sure I will be so busy with the kids and using my gifts in other areas of my life that I won't have much time for longing for the old days.  I suppose it is nice to know, however, that if I do decide to change my mind, I'll be welcomed back.